Welcome, Baby S!

I got a text message on my cell phone today, with the above photo attached. My brother's widow, Bonnie, delivered her baby this morning. Note the date: it's 08/08/08. And guess what? The delivery was at 8:08am. I don't know any other details - weight or length or name or anything. I'm still waiting to hear back from the proud papa.

I'm going to indulge my self-pity for a moment (or more). When I got the text, I burst into tears. I knew Bonnie was due today and I've been anticipating the news any day now. But I oh-so-badly wish the circumstances were just a tiny bit different. Is that wrong of me?

Please don't read that and think I don't like Bonnie's husband, John. That's not the case! From what I can tell by meeting him at their wedding and corresponding by email, he loves her and is a good man. But I can still wish that it were my brother calling with the news that Bonnie has given birth. I can even hear his voice on the phone, telling me, "Hey, Pooz! We did it! It's a boy!"

My tears were for Jackson, and for all that he didn't get to experience before he died. And my tears are, selfishly, for me too... and all I lost when he died. All the could've-beens and what-ifs that I usually refrain from thinking about are flooding into my brain today. I try to live my life without regret, but every now and then I indulge my "if only" thoughts. If only the cancer had waited just one more year before the onset. If only Bonnie and Jackson had had a baby before the cancer came. If only there were a cure.

I had these same types of thoughts when I went to Bonnie's wedding last September. I was so very excited for her, excited that she had finally found someone after 11 years of living with a hole in her heart from missing my brother. And I was excited that she found John. This is a man who emailed me to tell me how excited he was to meet Jackson's sister. He said he owed a debt to my brother, for making Bonnie the woman she is today. Can you believe it? Some men would rather just ignore Bonnie's baggage, but John embraced it and, what's more, appreciated its value in his new wife's life. Wow. That's when I knew that Bonnie had made a good choice. BUT (and that's a big BUT) that didn't stop me, my sister and one of my brother's high school friends from sobbing through their entire wedding. Seriously. I had the sup-sups big time. I was an emotional wreck for the entire evening, thinking about the could've-beens. Ugh.

So, again, today is a joyous, wonderful, blessed occasion. But like so many things in my life these days, it is tinged with a little bit of sadness. I'll forever think of the people I've lost in contrast to the ones that I've gained. Can't have a rainbow without the rain, right?

This leaves one simple little question: what do I call Bonnie and John's new son? I guess technically he could be my nephew, but technically he isn't. I'm sure one day when he's older, he'll wonder who the heck I am and how I even know him. I'll tell him that I'm just some crazy woman who wishes the best for his life, and that I know he holds the promise of a new future for his mommy and daddy.

Welcome, little man. I can't wait to hear more about you, and see you grow!