Finally

About two years ago,  I started getting this little longing in my heart. I squashed it for a bit, sure that it was totally unattainable and never going to happen. But it didn’t go away. I decided to let it settle in and burrow into my heart. Eventually, I let it become a dream.

I prayed over that little dream, and those prayers became the water and sunlight my dream needed to take root. The longing-turned-dream quickly became a plan I worked out in my heart. I became a little more courageous, and shared the dream with Dan and a close friend. When they didn’t scoff at my dream, I got a little more confidence and realized the dream might one day become a reality.

So I started telling God exactly how I wanted that dream to take shape. In short, I stopped praying and started demanding. All of a sudden my dream was a great idea, and I had the timing all worked out so God could make my dream come true. Then I felt Him pulling the reins a bit, tugging me back and settling me down. “Woah, horsey!” I realized He wasn’t killing my dream; He was simply tempering my passion until it aligned with His purpose.

And finally, today, that purpose and passion are being united. I am starting a new job, working at my church. It’s a longing that has become reality. I feel so humbled – and overwhelmed at the same time – to see how God has taken that little longing and used it to change my life.

I could write a never-ending paragraph full of one-word sentences describing the mix of emotions I feel: excited. Scared. Amazed. Self conscious. Unsure. Awed. But none of those solitary words come close to crystallizing what I am feeling. The only one that slightly does it justice is this:

LOVED.

The fact that God loves me enough to listen to my longings (which I know He placed in my heart to begin with!), soothe my fears, redeem my unworthiness, and make me someone who can be useful in His kingdom… WOW. How do I respond to something like that?

You, my Father, are a prize worthy of every struggle and loss I’ve ever endured. Your love is soothing and tender and covers my insecurities. I think back on all those years I spent not knowing about this kind of love, and wish I hadn’t been such a fool to waste Your precious light. Yet, I know those years were not without purpose. You used them to bring me back home to You. Thank You for pursuing me, for never giving up on me, and for wanting to dance with me. Stay beside me, walk close to me, lead me! …as I start this new chapter of my life. Show me how to worship You in new ways. It’s all for You, Jesus. You  make me worthy and lovable and usable. Thank You for making FINALLY happen.

“It’s amazing in the blink of an eye, you finally see the light.” (Aerosmith, “Amazing”)

On My Mind

I sat down at least three times in the last few days, intending to write and simply catch my blog up on life in our house. For some reason, I don’t know where to start so I just don’t start at all. That’s silly, because it means I might miss the life that takes place every day. So, I’m just gonna start writing and see where it takes me. Here are the things on my mind.

First, my computer is making blogging hard for me lately. I think my memory is getting full, and the computer is slow to respond. I think it’s time for a routine checkup. Ugh.

I decided not to have a new year resolution this year. Instead, I have a goal of taking twelve photos (one a month) that will push me to try new techniques. One of the first tasks on my Photography Bucket List is to take a photo of a snowflake. I was inspired by this post on Candelions that I read last year. When it snowed here a week ago, I had my first attempt at a snowflake photo. I learned a few things and want to try again for a better photo, but so far this isn’t too bad:

These are snowflakes that fell on my car’s bumper. Next time, I have a better plan in mind.

In December each year, my cousin sends a potted amaryllis to me and my sister. It’s something our mom used to do for us, and our cousin has assumed the responsibility of doing it now. My amaryllis has bloomed twice already. I got out my new macro lens filter (isn’t it pretty?)…

…and tried some close up photos of the amaryllis. The white flower looked lovely in the afternoon light.

I also got close to a droplet I spied after watering the plant. It looked like a glass marble to me.

When I bought my first digital SLR camera, I had no idea how much photography would speak to my soul. It still makes me laugh that I can take 37 photos of the same exact water droplet, and get such joy in it.

This next photo gives me lots of joy too. I found this scrap of paper in Katie’s backpack, and it makes me laugh to read it again. It says:

The Secret Snow Day Ceremony:
1. Put your pj's on backward.
2. Put white socks on your hands.
3. Wave your socky hands up high and chant: "Snow, snow do not stop. Pretty please with whip cream on top."
4. Throw your pillow and try to catch it with your head 3 times.
5. Go to sleep upside down.

I love watching Katie’s imagination and pure innocence take shape. When I asked her about the scrap of paper, she said she read about the ceremony in a book. I haven’t caught her doing a “socky hand chant” yet, but you better believe I’m going to try and videotape it if I do!

There are a few other things rolling around in my head, but they’re going to have to wait until I can dedicate an entire blog post to them. Big changes are on the way… and they deserve a devoted post! Let’s hope I can find time to do it right. But for now, it’s late and I have a DANuary commitment to uphold. Good night!

Doubting Myself

Fantastic news (that I can’t yet share publicly) has brought incredible joy AND FEAR to the last 24 hours. I am so very afraid, and full of doubts about myself and my abilities to perform and be valuable. I could hardly fall asleep last night, trying to work through the logistics in my head. Today, I have spent literally every other minute questioning and wondering and doubting some more.

I am in a constant fight to STOP listening to the voice in my head. Notice I said “stop listening,” not silence. There’s a reason why: I know that voice isn’t going to shut up anytime soon. Call it insecurity or Satan (aren’t they one in the same anyway?), but it’s on continual replay. My job – and my prayer – is to stop listening to it and turn my attention on the One who makes me who I am.

Jesus. I am calling on Him today, saying his name out loud and asking for His protection. And I know for a fact He hears me.

At the breakfast table, I picked up the Our Daily Bread devotional booklet and the day’s reading is about what kind of skill set we bring to the jobs in our lives. This quote was written specifically for me, specifically for TODAY: “If God has something He wants to accomplish and that you feel He is calling you to do, He will provide what you need to complete the task.” (Cindy Hess Kasper)

Trust that, Elizabeth. Know that He is providing for you even when you think you’re at a dead end. You are more than enough, child, because you don’t accomplish anything on your own. When you fall short, He makes the payment for you. Always, ALWAYS. Rejoice in that, rejoice in new beginnings, and trust His will for your life.

Laura’s Wedding

My friend from church, Laura, got married on New Year’s Eve. She asked me to photograph the wedding and I agreed. Sometimes I question my own judgment, especially when I take on something as momentous as a wedding. I stressed a lot leading up to it, bought a new piece of gear to try and assure success, then prayed before it started and left it in God’s hands.

God was good to me and I was blessed to have Dan as my second shooter. Yippee! Here are some of my favorite photos from the night. Yes, I know there are a lot of diamond ring photos, but I couldn’t get over how gorgeous her ring is!

The bride and groom met on a church mission trip to Russian. This nesting doll with the ring on her head is a nod to that.

I loved Laura’s deep red roses.

They were a beautiful contrast to her white dress and the bridesmaids’ black dresses.

Laura and her husband also have a passion for motorcycles. Like the mini wheel I used under the rings?

This mustache is a sort of inside joke from the team we work on together at our church. I HAD to bring it for Laura to use at her wedding!

The church has beautiful windows and architecture. Laura’s silhouette was perfectly framed.

The sanctuary was stunning with the stained glass windows and Christmas decorations.

My wonderful second shooter captured this from the balcony.

The bride and groom were glowing.

I love a bride and groom who will put on their motorcycle gear for a photo!

Yummy cookies after the wedding! A sweet ending…

DANuary

The month of Danuary has returned to our house! And, no, that isn’t a typo. It’s really Danuary with a “D” because it’s a month I like to devote to my husband Dan.

As best as I can recollect, this was an idea I started for our anniversary in December 2008. I have always tried to be creative with the anniversary gifts I select for Dan, but it’s hard for two reasons: 1) He’s a guy and guys don’t get typical gifts like diamond anniversary bands, and 2) Our anniversary is two days before Christmas, for Pete’s sake!

In the past, Dan has given me a one-size-fits-all anniversary gift idea. He said I should just buy some lingerie and, well… you know. (This IS a family blog, y’all!) So in 2008, my brilliant idea was to give him thirty days of, well… you know. (I’ve never discussed this on the blog, and probably never will again. But it DOES serve a purpose right now, besides embarrassing my sweet husband.)

We quickly dubbed the thirty days “Danuary,” since it would encompass the month following our anniversary. It stuck, and has become a repeat present four years in a row.

HALT! Before you go getting all “ewww” and all “THIRTY days for FOUR years in a row?!!!”, let me explain. The original Danuary was wonderful and all (that’s the only detail I will ever publish), but we learned a lesson from it the following year: sometimes spontaneous is better. Our goal for 2009 was two weeks, but it didn’t go as well as the first year.

In 2010, I changed it up a bit. I had gotten a laptop and was becoming more attached to it than I was to Dan in the evenings. I would (and often still do) stay up after he went to bed, surfing the Internets and wasting time while the man I loved went to bed alone. For a girl who once looked forward to marriage simply so I could have someone to sleep beside, this routine needed to change. So for our anniversary in December 2010, I promised to spend Danuary 2011 unplugged. That was defined as: 1) Not using the computer when Dan was home (evenings and weekends), and 2) Go to bed when Dan did. It was a hard – but wonderful! – month; hard to get my computer work done when he wasn’t home, but a wonderful way to spend Danuary and to honor our marriage with a sweet anniversary gift.

With all that explanation out of the way, I know you’re wondering what the anniversary gift was this past December. And now I’ll tell you!

Dan and I went to dinner at our new favorite restaurant (The Tavern Kitchen and Bar – if you live in St. Louis, you should GO!), and I gave him three gifts.

The first was a three ring binder, with all the ticket stubs we’ve collected over the years organized into chronological order. I love having a visual reminder of so many fun times we’ve shared. It’s also cool to see the ticket stubs where we started doing things with our kids.

The first ticket in the binder is from the second concert I ever attended: Aerosmith in 1988. Yes, I know this ticket wasn’t from an event I attended WITH Dan. But it’s still part of the fabric of our lives, so every ticket stub I found was included in the binder. (And, yes, those are the ticket stubs from when I saw Rain Man, The Land Before Time, and Dream Team. Ha!)

The second gift I gave him was a book. It’s called Night Light, and it’s a devotional for couples to read together (written by a couple too). I started reading it out loud to Dan at bedtime this week, and it’s been nice to make time for each other. Of course, this means I have to go to bed when he does, so that’s the second part of Danuary.

The last gift I gave him was one I wanted to write about in this post about voice recordings, but couldn’t spoil the surprise for Dan. Now that he’s received it, I can spill the beans! I recorded the entire month of January from Jesus Calling for him on a cassette. I recited each day’s devotion into my cheapo cassette recorder, and personalized it by adding Dan’s name to whatever Jesus is saying to him that day. This gift is a way for Dan to commune with Jesus, as well as hear my voice to encourage him each morning while he commutes to work.

You know our family is 100% invested in the Advent Conspiracy movement, but it’s so much more than a Christmas thing for me. Changing how we do Christmas (especially the gift-giving) has changed how I look at gifts the rest of the year. I want to give gifts of presenCE, even for my anniversary. I hope this inspires you to do something similar. And I hope each of you have a wonderful and blessed DANuary too!

P.S. Feel free to change it up a bit. A friend of mine, whose husband is named Larry, gave the gift of FebruLARRY one year. I’ve also heard of MARKch from another friend. Let me know if you come up with your own!

Looking Back

It’s impossible for me to start a new year without taking a moment to pause and look back at the path that got me here. In planning for the coming year at Six Golden Coins, I have taken a look back at the changes that I’ve chronicled through this blog. I want to show you a visual representation of those changes.

First, we started the blog with this header in 2008:

This was the header I used through part of 2009 and 2010:

You will recognize this header because it’s the one I used up until today:

And, ta-da! Here’s the new header for 2012: 

Since 2005, I’ve started the new year by selecting a verse from scripture. I use that verse to mediate on and guide me throughout the year. Here are the verses from the past years. I underlined the parts that I worked to inscribe on my heart that year.

• 2005: “God does all these things to a man—twice, even three times— to turn back his soul from the pit, that the light of life may shine on him. Pay attention, Job, and listen to me; be silent, and I will speak. If you have anything to say, answer me; speak up, for I want you to be cleared. But if not, then listen to me; be silent, and I will teach you wisdom.” (Job 33:29-33)
• 2006: “Look at the fig tree and all the trees. When they sprout leaves, you can see for yourselves and know that summer is near. Even so, when you see these things happening, you know that the kingdom of God is near. I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.”
• 2007: “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!” (Job 19:25-27)
• 2008: “The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need. He lets me rest in fields of green grass and leads me to quiet pools of fresh water. He gives me new strength. He guides me in the right paths, as he has promised. Even if I go through the deepest darkness, I will not be afraid, Lord, for you are with me. Your shepherd’s rod and staff protect me. You prepare a banquet for me, where all my enemies can see me; you welcome me as an honored guest and fill my cup to the brim. I know that your goodness and love will be with me all my life; and your house will be my home as long as I live.” (Psalm 23:1, GNT)
• 2009: “The Lord’s unfailing love and mercy still continue. Fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise.” (Lamentations 3:22-23)
• 2010: “On your feet now - applaud God! Bring a gift of laughter, sing yourselves into his presence. Know this: God is God, and God, God. He made us; we didn't make him. We're his people, his well-tended sheep. Enter with the password: ‘Thank you!’ Make yourselves at home, talking praise. Thank him. Worship him. For God is sheer beauty, all-generous in love, loyal always and ever.” (Psalm 100:1-5, MSG)
• 2011: “He existed before everything and holds everything together.” (Colossians 1:17)

In selecting my verse for 2012, I wasn’t sure where to start. In years past, it’s been a crap shoot on how I select a verse. In 2005, I challenged God to speak directly to me and flipped through the Bible with my eyes closed. Whatever verse my finger landed on was the verse I knew He wanted me to hold dear that year. I had just completed 2004, the year my mother died, and knew that 2005 might bring my father’s death as well. When my finger fell on Job 33, I knew God was telling me that it wouldn’t be long until Dad died. But I also knew God was telling me He would stay beside me, and His light would shine even when the darkness of grief descended on me. He was faithful, and 2005 was a dark year – full of Light.

This year, I didn’t do the crap shoot of sticking my finger randomly in the Bible. Instead, I went through a list of verses I’ve been texting daily to a group of people, and found 2 Corinthians 5:7. It says, “For we live by faith, not by sight.” After seeing the miracles of baptism that happened in my family’s lives this past year, I felt like this verse was a good guide for 2012. I included it on my blog header, and I am praying God will whisper it to me throughout the year.

When the highs and lows and dark days happen in 2012, I pray He will remind me to live by what my heart believes and not by what my eyes see.

I would *love* for you to take a moment and leave a comment for me. Please tell me what Scripture speaks directly to you and why. Is it a verse that might guide you this year, or one that has guided you in years past? Thanks for sharing it with me.

Dessert Gala

I participated in something really fun this Christmas season. Last year I was the guest at one of these, and this year I got to be a hostess. It’s a Dessert Gala, and the idea is for hostesses to decorate a table with their Christmas-themed tablescapes. The hostess provides a dessert for the evening, and the church provides a program with entertainment.

When I first heard about the Dessert Gala at a nearby church where I was taking a Bible study class, I asked my friend Michelle if she would host a table with me. She agreed, and we started discussing our theme and dessert ideas. I told Michelle I wanted to have a table that was kind of counter-cultural to the glitz and glamour of the holiday season, and that I’d like to focus it on the Advent Conspiracy movement. Here’s our table turned out.

• We kept the design of the table simplified and minimalistic, to remind us how our Savior arrived: not in the flash of glitter, crystal and china, but in the quiet, unobtrusive moments. It’s the same way He seeks us today. He reminds us to glow with His love instead of focusing on the glam and glitter of the world around us.
• The single candle in the center of the table represents His one true light, and the solitary way we are invited to spend eternity with our Maker: by letting His light shine in our souls.
• A small nativity set in the middle of the table represented His humble arrival in our world.
• We chose plates made from palm leaves to remind us how Christmas and Easter are intertwined.

There were seven seats at our table. Two of the seats were for me and Michelle. Two more were reserved for women who were assigned to our table by the event planners. The remaining three seats were for guests Michelle and I could invite. We asked three women from our Bible study class. Each place setting had the guest’s name printed on a white paper bag that sat on top of the palm leaf plates. The lady’s name was imbedded in a line from scripture. Inside the gift bag was a mix of party favors for each woman. Here’s what we included:

• A sampling of Advent Conspiracy gift ideas to encourage the ladies to “give presence, not presents this Christmas.”
• A blank blank gift certificate that can be filled out for a loved one and given as a gift of  time and presence.
• A CD of piano music by a friend who is pianist. Music is one of the best ways I know to worship God and praise His holiness.
• A vial of water to represent clean water, something we take for granted. So many people in our world do not have clean water, but we can easily give it to them through supporting charities like Living Water International.
• A Living Water bracelet that can be worn as the ladies finish Christmas shopping. Let it remind you to spend just a little less this year so you can give more to those who have nothing.
• A booklet listing 25 different names of Jesus. “When the holiday season gets stressful and crazy, open this booklet and find one of Jesus’ names that speaks to you. Meditate on it.”
• Yahweh Hebrew name cards: God is a personal god, and even goes as far as to invite us into a first-name basis relationship. In the book of Isaiah, God tells us His name is Yahweh. The name Yahweh is both holy and intimate – so holy that we aren’t even sure exactly how to pronounce it. It is as commonplace and revered as the sound it mimics: our very breaths. Scripture tells us that God breathed us into life, so we use that very breath to say His name. Cover your ears and listen to the sound your lungs make as you inhale and then exhale. That’s the closest we can come to knowing the true pronunciation of Yahweh.
• The stone coasters under the coffee cups were hand-stamped with clocks. They were gifts to the ladies, and reminders to give gifts of time and self this Christmas.

The desserts we served were chosen to reflect delicacies from ancient times: a traditional honey cake made from a Jewish recipe, fig and goat cheese crostini to represent the Mediterranean diet, and chocolate covered strawberries to satisfy our modern sweet tooth.

I’m sure you’re curious to see how some of the other tables were decorated, so here are some more photos to enjoy!     

Here with Us

It's still a mystery to me

That the hands of God could be so small,

How tiny fingers reaching in the night

Were the very hands that measured the sky

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Heaven's love reaching down to save the world

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Son of God, Servant King,

You're here with us

You're here with us

It's still a mystery to me, oh,

How His infant eyes have seen the dawn of time

How His ears have heard an angel's symphony,

But still Mary had to rock her Savior to sleep

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Heaven's love reaching down to save the world

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Son of God, Servant King

Here with us

You're here with us

Jesus the Christ, born in Bethlehem

A baby born to save, to save the souls of man

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Heaven's love reaching down to save the world

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Son of God, Servant King

You're here with us

You're here with us

(“Here with Us” by Joy Williams)

Sweet Sixteen

Marriage has certain qualities of contract, in which two people take on the housekeeping tasks of living, together, to enhance life's joy.  However, marriage is more than a contract.  Marriage is commitment to take that joy deep, deeper than happiness, deep into the discovery of who you most truly are.  It is a commitment to a spiritual journey, to a life of becoming—in which joy can comprehend despair, running through rivers of pain into joy again. And thus marriage is even deeper than commitment.  It is a covenant—a covenant that says: I love you. I trust you. I will be there for you when you are hurting. And when I am hurting, I will not leave. It is a covenant, not to provide haven from pain or from anger and sorrow.  Life offers no such haven.  Instead, marriage is intended to provide a sanctuary safe enough to risk loving, to risk living and sharing from the center of oneself.  This is worth everything. (Margaret A. Keip)

It is certainly true that every man ought to love and cherish his wife, and every woman should love and cherish her husband: for he is her beginning. (A merchant of Paris “On Love and Marriage” c. 1393)

Marriage is somewhat like undertaking a Lego project without instructions. (Ammunni Bala Subramanian)

Marriage is like a 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle--all sky. (Cathy Ladman)

One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you maybe fall in love again. (Judith Viorst)

Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them. (Sydney Smith)

A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. (Dave Meurer)

Happy 16th anniversary to my soul mate. I love you, Dan! You make me a better person and I still can’t believe that I get to be your wife.

Giving PresenCE – Personalized Devotional Book

Our family participates in the [Advent Conspiracy]. The four tenants of [AC] are Worship Fully, Spend Less, Give More, and Love All. For the past few years, we’ve been trying to find creative ways to give Christmas gifts that are gifts of presence, not just a present. In the days leading up to Christmas, I’ll be sharing some of these ideas with you.

Each morning, my alarm goes off and the sound of the city’s Christian radio station fills my room. I turn on my bedside lamp then I grab my phone. I read a scripture text that my neighbor sends me every morning, then I turn to my Jesus Calling app and read the day’s devotion from Jesus. The Jesus Calling book and phone app have changed my morning quiet times with God. I feel like He is with me, more tangibly that I’ve ever felt.

When I find something that works so well for me, I can’t help but pass it along to someone else. Recently, I bought a copy of Jesus Calling for a friend of mine. I flipped through the pages, found some of my favorite devotions, and wrote a note to my friend on that day’s page. I also looked up other important days in her life (like her birthday), and wrote a note about my love for her on those days as well. I’ve been doing the same thing for years as a Christmas gift for my sister. I buy her the coming year’s Daily Guideposts, and I write a letter inside the front cover and sometimes add notes on different days throughout the year.

Back to this Christmas… Some mornings, Katie crawls in to bed with me and lays beside me while I read my devotion. Once, she told me she wanted her own Jesus Calling. So for Christmas, guess what’s she getting?

I bought Katie a copy of Jesus Calling for Kids, and did the same thing for her that I did for my friend. I opened the book and wrote notes to my girl, in hopes of encouraging her on her own walk with God.

This gift is a gift of presenCE because it lets Katie know she is thought of and cared for every single day – by me and the God who adores her.