Forgiveness

So.... so. This is a hard post for me to write. I feel compelled to do so after two little nudges in the past week. I need to forgive someone who wronged me many years ago, and decided the best way to do it is on my blog. I had other ideas, but settled on this.

I got fired from a job seven years ago. My boss there, J, was someone I truly felt was a close friend. He was like a big brother to me, which meant a lot at the time because it was just a few years after my own brother died. So it was nice to have that figure in my life. Yep, I know. That was my first mistake - I should never have made such a tight friendship with my boss.

Anyway, I was his assistant and covered his butt on many occasions. I was overwhelmed with the work load I kept getting (some of the stuff was his job, but he kept passing the buck to me). After a while, I got frustrated doing that and kind of turned into a witch some days. I figured out that I needed to look for a new job, but had barely started the process when I got fired. I know part of it was my fault: I had a pretty bad attitude at that point, and was frustrated at my boss because he was my "friend" but wasn't going to bat for me. He turned on me and during the meeting where I was fired, I was told I mistook "friendliness for friendship." Ouch. That was a hard blow to me. I was covering for him lots of times out of friendship, and was willing to put up with a lot if he would just help me.

So, I was fired. It was pretty rough because I had let my job consume my life; all my friends were from the office, and my weekend free time was spent with them. So getting fired not only took away my means of living, but also my social network. It was isolating. The hardest part of it all was my "friend" had fired me and didn't show even a flicker of remorse.

Of course I recovered and lived to tell the tale. The day after I was fired, my dad called first thing in the morning. He said, "Go look out the window." I did and said, "Yeah?" His answer? "Did you notice? The sun came up. All is not lost. It's a new day."

Looking back on the firing, it was probably one of the best things that could happen to me at the time. My pride was wounded and my trust was a bit broken, but I changed careers, got to spend a month off at the pool, and also learned an invaluable lesson about making my job my life.

So... on to the forgiveness part. I've held an inner grudge against J for a long time. Every time the pastor at church preaches about forgiveness, J's name pops into my head and I kind of just roll my eyes. In more recent years, I've actually become a little more receptive to the idea of forgiving him... I just haven't done it or made any "official" moves toward it.

Last week I read something in a book about forgiveness, and J's name popped into my head again. I finally thought to myself, "I really should just let it go and move on." And that very same day, Dan was reading the local paper and there was a Letter to the Editor, written by J himself. If that ain't a nudge, I don't know what is!

I told Dan that I should write J a letter, and Dan thinks I'm crazy. So, I'll settle for writing a blog entry. Get it out in the open, let it go, and move on. Here's what I would say if I wrote that letter or spoke to J:

"Hey! Remember me? The girl you threw to the wolves? Yeah, not so nice, huh? You and I both know it was a mistake, and we both carry the blame. But it would have been nice for you to give me some warning or the dignity to walk out on my own. I read your Letter to the Editor last week, and it sounds like you have changed a bit since I last saw you. The new church you're going to seems to have made an impact on you. I hope so. Is it too much for me to wish that you've seen the error of your ways? Yes, I guess so - that sounds pretty boastful of me. Oh, well. It's all water under the bridge now. I hope you're doing well. I hear your family has grown. I'm sure you're a fun and goofy dad. I wish you the best, and want you to know I forgive you. Take care."

And, now folks, it's done. Here I am, moving on. Thanks for letting me clear the air!