It's been a rough weekend and last few days. Jackson's had an on-again, off-again fever. He was up six times last night, and Katie was up four times. Needy children. Frustrated parents. What more can I say?
Earlier today, I jotted down a few words to describe my inner turmoil: Cranky. Trapped. Conditional love. Frustrated. Spent. Consumed. Angry. Afraid. Ashamed. Guilty. Hormonal. Panicky. Smothered. Crusty. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Selfish. Alone. Weary. Sour. Overwhelmed. Fractured. Empty. Unraveling. Irritable. Ugh.
It was just one of those days when I woke already tired, knowing my gas tank is running empty. I think Dan woke the same today too. After all, he spent 3 hours in Katie's bed - and now his back is paying for it. We aren't much help to each other.
I tried to make the day turn out better than it started, even making our weekly Sunday Waffles. It didn't help; I was still grumpy. In the shower, I sang Elton John's "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues" to myself. Especially the first lines, "Don't wish it away. Don't look at it like it's forever. Between you and me, I can honestly say that things can only get better." Still didn't help too much. I knew I needed to get to church, and hoped that I'd find a balm for my soul.
I can't say that church turned my day completely around, but I was able to grab a few life preservers to help me sail these stormy seas. One of them was the pastor's call to step out of the boat of life, and walk on the water with Jesus. Have faith. That's when the thoughts of fear came to my mind. What am I afraid of? Not sure. But the word fear popped right into my head and wiggled around a bit. Fear of failing? Fear of loneliness? Fear of being so unlovable that I push everyone in my life away from me? I think those are all true for me.
The other life preserver was when the praise band sang one of my favorite Casting Crowns song, called "The Voice of Truth." How I needed to hear that song! I actually had a hard time not crying openly while we sang the song. (I told you I was hormonal!) The verses say:
"Oh, what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in onto the crashing waves.
To step out of my comfort zone into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is, and He's holding out His hand.
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me,
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed.
The waves they keep on telling me time and time again,
'Boy, you'll never win, you'll never win.'
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story.
The Voice of Truth says, 'Do not be afraid!'
And the Voice of Truth says, 'This is for My glory.'
Out of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth."
I am glad the day is almost over, and I get a chance to start again tomorrow. To put distance between the grumpies of this weekend. To try and get a little closer to "right." To step out of the boat and have faith.
The silver lining? Katie just ran down the stairs naked, streaking through the house screaming, "Naked girl!" And then a squeaky-clean Bubbers was handed off to me, snuggled in his jammies. His face broke into a smile when he saw me. Now he's banging a pot lid, and so proud of the sounds he's making.
Yes, Scarlett, tomorrow is another day.