Welcome, Baby S!

I got a text message on my cell phone today, with the above photo attached. My brother's widow, Bonnie, delivered her baby this morning. Note the date: it's 08/08/08. And guess what? The delivery was at 8:08am. I don't know any other details - weight or length or name or anything. I'm still waiting to hear back from the proud papa.

I'm going to indulge my self-pity for a moment (or more). When I got the text, I burst into tears. I knew Bonnie was due today and I've been anticipating the news any day now. But I oh-so-badly wish the circumstances were just a tiny bit different. Is that wrong of me?

Please don't read that and think I don't like Bonnie's husband, John. That's not the case! From what I can tell by meeting him at their wedding and corresponding by email, he loves her and is a good man. But I can still wish that it were my brother calling with the news that Bonnie has given birth. I can even hear his voice on the phone, telling me, "Hey, Pooz! We did it! It's a boy!"

My tears were for Jackson, and for all that he didn't get to experience before he died. And my tears are, selfishly, for me too... and all I lost when he died. All the could've-beens and what-ifs that I usually refrain from thinking about are flooding into my brain today. I try to live my life without regret, but every now and then I indulge my "if only" thoughts. If only the cancer had waited just one more year before the onset. If only Bonnie and Jackson had had a baby before the cancer came. If only there were a cure.

I had these same types of thoughts when I went to Bonnie's wedding last September. I was so very excited for her, excited that she had finally found someone after 11 years of living with a hole in her heart from missing my brother. And I was excited that she found John. This is a man who emailed me to tell me how excited he was to meet Jackson's sister. He said he owed a debt to my brother, for making Bonnie the woman she is today. Can you believe it? Some men would rather just ignore Bonnie's baggage, but John embraced it and, what's more, appreciated its value in his new wife's life. Wow. That's when I knew that Bonnie had made a good choice. BUT (and that's a big BUT) that didn't stop me, my sister and one of my brother's high school friends from sobbing through their entire wedding. Seriously. I had the sup-sups big time. I was an emotional wreck for the entire evening, thinking about the could've-beens. Ugh.

So, again, today is a joyous, wonderful, blessed occasion. But like so many things in my life these days, it is tinged with a little bit of sadness. I'll forever think of the people I've lost in contrast to the ones that I've gained. Can't have a rainbow without the rain, right?

This leaves one simple little question: what do I call Bonnie and John's new son? I guess technically he could be my nephew, but technically he isn't. I'm sure one day when he's older, he'll wonder who the heck I am and how I even know him. I'll tell him that I'm just some crazy woman who wishes the best for his life, and that I know he holds the promise of a new future for his mommy and daddy.

Welcome, little man. I can't wait to hear more about you, and see you grow!

Naptime

I'm undecided: should I continue Jackson's morning nap, or is it time to give it up cold turkey? Right now he's up in his room, alternately cooing and fussing. So today it seems he's made the decision for me. But yesterday he took an hour and a half morning nap, followed by a two hour afternoon nap. I thought for sure he wouldn't sleep well last night, but he slept straight through (something he's been doing since he got back from Grandma's this past weekend).

About two weeks ago, I decided to stop the morning nap because he wasn't sleeping through the night. I thought he needed less daytime sleep and more nighttime sleep. It didn't help that week, so the following week (last week), I followed the morning nap routine. Same thing this week, and he's been doing okay so far.

And as I'm writing this, it seems the blessed child has quieted down and *might* be settling into a nap. Too bad I have to wake him in 40 minutes to head out for a firehouse tour!

I guess I'll just stick with the routine for now. As the saying goes, if it ain't broke don't fix it. And, besides, I really like having some extra alone time in the morning so I can shower after my walk and make lunches for the day. Oh, and blog. Tee hee.

Zerberts

I caught Jackson on video doing one of the funniest things. If you lay on your back on the floor, Jackson will run over, pull your shirt up, and give you a zerbert on your belly. And he gives GOOD, juicy zerberts. It's so funny, and makes me laugh every time. Which makes him laugh too!

I Stayed on Green

I forgot to write yesterday to follow up on Katie's yellow day last Thursday. She came home on Friday and ran off the bus and into my arms yelling, "I stayed on green!" Then when we got home and she had coloring time, this is the letter she wrote me:

It says, "I love you! Mommy I stad on gren." Then she drew a happy face and a sad face, and then crossed out the sad face to show that she's happy instead.

Yesterday was a green day also. I'm hoping we're on a roll now!

P.S. Go check out the blog train!

Summer Fun Photo Contest

I saw that my friend Danielle entered a photo in a contest, and I want to enter one of mine too! The prize is $500. Woo hoo!

This is a photo of Katie from this past weekend when we were at the Lake of the Ozarks. I caught her in mid-air as she was sliding down into the lake. I think it was her favorite part of the whole weekend!

Go check out the other entries at 5 Minutes for Mom. Let me know if you enter the contest too. I'd love to see your photos!

Weekend Getaway

We had a great weekend away. We went to the Lake of the Ozarks with our friends Beth and Sean, and their two boys and Beth's parents (who own the lake house). Jackson stayed with Grandma and Poppy, since I really didn't feel up to chasing a 1 year old through a nice house and keeping him away from the water and the boat and all that. And, to be honest, I wanted to relax without Jackson around, since he consumes so much of my energy. I have a bit of guilt over the decision to leave him at home while we take a "family" vacation, but I also know that I need to fill up my own gas tank before I can take care of anyone else.

Anyway, it was a nice weekend. I loved just being able to ride in the car with Dan and Katie, and have a full conversation without any interruptions (Katie was watching a movie in the back). Or to not have a conversation too! We listened to music and just chilled on the ride there and the ride back. And I also worked on a new shirt for Katie.

Saturday morning, I got to sleep in just a little and woke to Dan and Sean cooking everyone omelets. Yum! Then Beth and I went shopping for about two hours at the outlet mall, and came home for lunch and swimming in the lake. Katie had a blast sliding into the lake and jumping off the dock. The adults sat on noodles and drank some beverages and enjoyed the sun. That night, Beth's parents used the boat to drive us out to dinner at a restaurant called Dog Days. Riding the boat reminded me of all the summers I spent at my parents' lakehouse when I was growing up. I used to love laying on the boat and getting a tan while Dad drove us everywhere. There's nothing like relaxing and getting a tan (without the heat, since the boat was always going so fast) and letting the "rrrrrrr" of the boat motor lull you to sleep. I knew even way back then that it was a memory in the making. I used to close my eyes and breathe in the air and tell myself to remember this. Even then, I knew it was special. So on the way to dinner Saturday night, I closed my eyes and breathed in and told myself, "Remember this. You are so blessed."

On the way home from dinner, I sat up at the front of the boat with Katie and the boys. We rode those waves, pretty hard. The Lake of the Ozarks is a very popular lake with lots of boats and wave runners and activity, so the water is choppy. After a while, Katie and Ryan stopped enjoying the boat ride and said they wanted to go home and get off. Poor kids! We got them home and let them watch TV while we assembled a new bunk bed for the lakehouse. Then the kids were off to bed while the adults stayed up to watch the worst movie ever: Shoot 'em Up. Ugh. It was soooo bad, I can't even describe it.

On Sunday, we had breakfast out and then shopped a little bit more and took the kids for go-kart rides. We finished with one last dip in the lake. Then Dan and Katie and I had to leave so we could get home to pick up Jackson. All in all, it was a nice weekend break from the regular world, and a nice chance for us to spend time with Katie. It also brought back lots of good memories of my own lake adventures. I'm glad that we can start making memories like that for Katie too!

It's the Bed!

Yay! It's not me! Remember how I posted about my achy joints and stiffness? We spent the weekend out of town and I slept on a regular mattress. I woke both mornings feeling 100% better! I could actually pop out of bed without having to creep-creep-creep and shuffle my feet until my joints got lubed up. I'm so glad! Of course, I still had a little bit of creakiness, which I think is just middle-age setting in. (Ugh!) It's the same creakiness I had back in May before we got the foamy bed. I'll gladly take that creakiness over all this pain and stiffness!

I called Costco and we can return the bed, so that's great news too. Now we just have to figure out how to stuff the thing back into one of our cars and get it back to the store. AND we'll have to figure out how to get a new bed at the same time.

It's almost like getting a second lease on life. Here I was, convinced I'd have to go see my rheumatologist again and start taking medication for the rest of my life. I felt like that proverbial trigger had been pulled, and I couldn't dodge the bullet anymore. So to feel better again is such a relief, and makes me realize how very lucky I am to have a healthy, pain-free, functioning body.

Thanks to those of you who left me comments with all your concerns and suggestions on things to try. I appreciate all the love!

Giveaway Winner

Gretchen! I loved her feedback throughout my blog, and I look forward to making her a photo bracelet to wear on her many travels.

Thanks to all of you who participated in my giveaway. I know this sounds cheesy, but your comments really lifted my spirits and I think I'll be making lasting friendships with some of you. I think I'm the one who won the contest! Don't be surprised if you see me visiting your blog or contacting you by email. I want to return the love and say thank you personally! It might take me a little while to get around to visiting all of you, though. This Bloggy Giveaway really threw me a curveball. I can't believe all the craziness! The last time I checked, there were ELEVEN HUNDRED giveaways. Yeeow!

If you want to order a custom photo bracelet, please contact me by leaving a comment on this post. I not only give them away in the contest, but I sell them too!

Thanks again to everyone! Please come back and visit me often!

Slipping Through My Fingers and Yellow Days

I saw the movie Mamma Mia! on Tuesday night for Moms' Night Out with my mom's club. It was a silly, but good, movie. A great chick flick. I like ABBA, but didn't know all of the songs in the movie. One of them is Slipping Through My Fingers, and it was sung while the mom helped the daughter get dressed for her wedding.

Oh. My. Gosh. Seriously? You know I've been emotional about Katie starting school, and missing her so much every day. This song - and the scene of the mom helping the bride - made me cry. And it could have turned into that kind of cry that my aunt calls the "sup-sups" because that's the sound of someone trying to catch a breath while sobbing. (I think others also call it the Ugly Cry.) But I held it together as best as possible and didn't sup-sup, although I felt it coming on at one point. Just the first line of the song got me: "School bag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning." Oh, for the love! My girl is growing up, slipping through my fingers every minute. The song has kept playing in my head these last few days, reminding me to hold on tight to her and love her deeply. It won't keep her from slipping through my fingers, but it'll keep me from having regrets!

On a side note, yesterday was a sad day for Katie. She had a "yellow" day at school. All the kids follow a discipline system of green, yellow and red. The teacher moves them to yellow or red if they have not been listening or acting out or whatnot. When Katie came home yesterday, she said, "I might have had a little yellow today." I said, "Oh, no! Katie, what happened?" and she immediately burst into tears. I held her while she cried, then asked her what happened again. She wouldn't tell me, and made me read the note from her teacher on her daily report. It said Katie was disruptive and was banging her pencil box along with others. Katie told me a boy at her table was banging his box, then another boy joined in, then a girl and then Katie. We talked about why that was a bad choice, and discussed punishment of not having a special surprise that I had planned for her yesterday (I bought her two new books). We talked about the choices she could have made instead, and then she asked if I was mad at her. I said I wasn't mad, just very disappointed. And then she asked if I still love her. (Oh!) I said I will always love her, no matter if she's green or yellow or red. Then we cuddled with a few tears in both our eyes. It was so sweet to see how upset she was (does that sound weird?) because I know that she knows that she shouldn't have done it. And, truly, it doesn't matter as much how I feel about bad choices. What matters is that she knows right from wrong, and that her heart reflects that and leads her down the correct paths. Isn't that our job as parents?

I kind of had a yellow day yesterday too. After a trip to the mall, I was leaving and found my tire was FLAT. Ugh. Luckily my friend Beth was with me, so she entertained Jackson and her two boys in her air conditioned car while I tried to change the tire. I had to ask for help from strangers (I couldn't loosen the lug nuts myself), then Dan had to miss a work meeting to come help me finish the job. But, thankfully, the tire got patched and all is well. I was just telling my neighbor Sheryl the other day about how my parents insisted I change a tire on the car by myself before they would let me get my license. Thanks, Mom & Dad!

We're heading out this evening for a trip to the lake with our friends. I am looking forward to it, and can't wait to just hang out and take it easy. Have a good weekend, y'all!

Angels & Demons

Yes, that's the title to a Dan Brown novel (also my favorite of his, even more than The DaVinci Code). I digress. That's also the title to my evening with the kids.

Jackson is crabby. Katie is exerting her big sister authority. How quickly things go from this:

...to one throwing blocks at the other, and one kicking in retaliation. My, oh my. And to make the punting of her little brother worse, Katie then lied to Daddy about it. Since I saw the entire thing unfold from my post in the living room, she got in serious trouble for both offenses. Instead of the privilege of watching a show then reading two books before bedtime, the show and one book were taken away. What a swell day.

While we were treated to a full night's sleep last night, it didn't help much. Jackson hasn't been sleeping well for the last week or two. (Maybe because we started skipping the morning nap? I think I'll re-institute it tomorrow and see if that helps.) And I've had a headache all day, and feel like I can't make a dent in my To Do list. And it's been raining LOTS today. The list goes on...

To make it worse (and since I'm already complaining anyway), I haven't been feeling my best for the last six or eight weeks. I've been having joint pain and stiffness. Yes, I've been trying to ignore it because, really, I don't have time for an autoimmune disorder right now. And I keep blaming it on the new foamy bed we got in May. I keep telling myself that my body is still adjusting. (Ha! The lies we tell ourselves!) So, I just keep hoping that I'll wake up tomorrow and feel better. And that's what I'm going to hope again tonight when I go to bed.

Okay, enough of my crabbiness. Now that I've vented and gotten that off my chest, I feel better and I'm ready to go veg on the couch and finish watching the marathon 13 episodes of Mad Men that Dan has gotten me hooked on. It's starting to invade my brain the way Lost did when we watched the first two seasons on DVD, back to back within about a month's span. My friends started begging me to STOP quoting Lost characters and referring to them like old friends. I'm not that bad with Mad Men yet, but did you notice my sly use of the '60s slang "swell" above? Tee hee.

My Sister

I've written a lot lately about my brother, mother and father. Last night when I was writing the post about gratitude, I thought of my sister and decided she deserves her own post, just about her. (Heh-heh, Mary! I know you're rolling your eyes right now!)

Mary is eight years older than me, the oldest of three. Mom used to tell me how delighted Mary was when I was born. Mary insisted that my crib be installed in her room so she could take care of me at night. I'm sure my sleep-deprived, breastfeeding, postpartum-depressed mom didn't argue that one with her. Apparently Mary was like a second mother to me - except for the two (or was it three?) times she dropped me DOWN THE STAIRS. Yep. (Of course, the words that always follow that story are, "Now we know what's wrong with you!" Hardy har.)

But like all well-fed children, I grew. And like all younger siblings, I became a pest. I vividly remember Mary having friends over one day and playing Barbies in her room. I'm not sure how old I was, although I couldn't have been much older than 3 because then Mary would have been 11 and isn't that too old for Barbies? ("Now we know what's wrong with you!") Anyhoo, Mary threw a fit because I kept bugging her and her friends. She didn't like me much for a few years.

When I was in late elementary school, some firefighters came to talk to our class about safety and the importance of having a home evacuation plan. Around that same time, I had snuck out of bed and watched a made for TV movie about this Army guy who killed his wife and two kids and blamed it on hippies who broke into his house. The possibility of a fire and the thought of my dad killing me sent my imagination into overdrive. I refused to sleep in my room alone, so Mary started letting me sleep in hers. It turned into a habit. I think I must have slept in her room for a good six months - long enough for my parents to just install a cot in her room for me.

One Christmas, Mary offered to read Dickens' A Christmas Carol to me. I was floored and so excited to have her offer to do that. I think she was a teenager by then, and I knew the gesture was monumental - which made it even more special to me. She read a few chapters to me every night, and I think that finally cemented our bond. We formed a united front against our stinky brother Jackson, and have (mostly) stayed united since then.

That doesn't mean there weren't a few times when Jackson and I ganged up on her. I remember one LONG car ride to Canada, when Jackson and I tormented her (and everyone in the car) by singing one of Run DMC's songs that had the line, "Mary, Mary, why ya buggin'?" in it. We repeated it over and over, to our own delight, cracking up every time. Mary was fit to be tied. Later on, she used me as bait so she could go flirt with boys. Not much of a payback, since I didn't mind being the icebreaker.

Growing up, Mary was always the sentimental one. For every Mother's Day, Father's Day and birthday, she bought those sappy Susan Polis Schutz greeting cards. The ones that always make you cry and say, "Awww!" She adored those things. When my dad toasted me at my wedding, he even made a crack at Mary's expense about how Mary used to cry if you stepped on a cockroach.

But somewhere in the past decade or two (Good gravy! Have I been alive THAT long?!), Mary and I switched in that respect. I think I'm now the sentimental one, and she is usually more flippant with her emotions. That may have something to do with being a military wife. I think she's learned to just turn off the tears and buckle down and get through each day. That must be the only way to survive a deployment sometimes. Maybe all the drama in our family also turned her off to emotional outbursts. Okay, wait. Let me take all that back, lest you think my sister is some brick wall who is unfeeling and stable. I think she's still emotional and can go off the deep end (it's in the Steele DNA), but I think she's also better at turning it off too.

When I was scheduled to deliver my son by c-section, I asked Mary to fly in and be with me. Because of her teaching schedule, she said she couldn't make it but that she would come a few weeks later for spring break. I convinced myself that was okay, that she didn't need to be with me for the birth. But the night before, she surprised me and flew in for the delivery. I burst into tears when I saw her, and only then admitted to myself how badly I needed her there with me. She was in the operating room when Jackson was born, and I think that's one the coolest bonds I have with her.

Now, after 34 years of being sisters (and some incredibly tulmultous years), I think Mary and I have a deeper bond than even some marriages do. Sometimes we even act like an old married couple, nagging and griping at each other. She's still a bossy older sister, even when she's calling me for advice. But, man, I do love her so.

She was my matron of honor. She's the one who walked the journey with me in laying our parents to rest. She's the keeper of my memories now, since she and I are the last surviving members of our family of five. She's the voice I need when my confidence is failing, and the one who always keeps me in line when I start venting too much about how unfair life might be. She's made an amazing life for herself, and stuck through the hard and gritty parts to do what is best for her husband and her two daughters. I got some of my first parenting cues by watching her. She's the person I call when I need to hear someone say they're proud of me; she's the stand-in for Mom and Dad. She's the one I clung to when they played Taps for my brother. She drives me NUTS because she knows which buttons to push. She keeps me grounded and tethered by reminding me of my roots. And she convinced me to sneak into our old house one night so we could be alone to see its rebirth.

Sometimes I hope that I will die before Mary does, when we're old and gray. I don't think I can be the sole survivor. We're all each other has left of the "old days." The last ones who remember what it was like riding in the car and stealing Oreos from under Mom's seat. The last ones who will laugh out loud remembering how Dad tried to scare the hiccups out of me at West Point. The last ones who remember riding the Pink Pig with Mom at Rich's in Atlanta. She's the last of my family of five who saw my brother alive. And the only other person who would laugh at my stupid "Why did the tree fall?" joke.

Thanks for being my sister, Mary. I'm grateful to you and for you. I love you!

Speak of Your Gratitude

I've been going through some of the Bloggy Giveaway entries, and there are some cool giveaways with fun requirements. Unexpected Bliss has a beautiful print she's giving away. In order to win, you have to post a comment listing what you're grateful for. So, here's what I wrote:

Do I have to mention just one thing? I can't. So maybe that's what I'm most grateful for: having an abundance of blessings!

* Negative test results. * Baby belly laughs. * Health. * God giving me the blessing of holding my children each day, when others' arms are empty. * Freedom. * Babies who sleep through the night. * Buying breakfast for the car behind me at McDonald's. * The joy on my daughter's face when she steps off the bus and runs to my arms. * Knowing my husband's love is an extension of God's love for me, and that God put him in my life to show me what unconditional is all about. * Air conditioning. * Laughter. * Being able to remember certain things in my past without crying anymore. * Passion. * Faith. * Loyalty. * Amazing friends who come and go in my life and teach me more about myself. * Sacrifices my parents made that helped me become who I am today. * The ability to pay back the debt I owe my parents - but to pay it forward instead. And knowing that they're proud of me and watching over me.

Good night, y'all! Sweet dreams...

Lunch at School

The highlight of my day (so far) was having lunch with Katie at school. The kids get only 20 minutes to eat, so it went by in a flash. But it was so cool meeting her friends and getting to talk to them. And she was thrilled to see me. You would have thought I was a superhero or something! Her friends were excited to see me too. One little girl named Ryleigh talked my ear off. Seriously. She was elated to have a captive audience. Here's a photo that Ryleigh took of me and Katie.

I picked up McDonald's for Katie, and that made her delirously happy too. Oh, what a wonderful little bright spot in my day. To make it even better, the morning rain stopped and the sun is shining now. And I got a chance to putter around at home while Jackson was at Parents Day Out. And even better? He didn't scream and shriek when I dropped him off! It's the little things in life, isn't it?

P.S. I'm really enjoying this Bloggy Giveaway thing. It's fun to see comments from everyone, and "meet" new people! It's like having a little smiley face in my in box!

Bloggy Giveaway - Photo Bracelet!

Thanks to my friend Danielle, I am doing my very first Six Golden Coins Bloggy Giveaway. I'm nervous, but excited to see how it all goes!

I am giving away a custom photo bracelet. I'll contact the winner of my giveaway and you can email me the six photos you'd like in your bracelet. I'll shrink the photos and do any editing necessary, seal them in plastic and insert them in the bracelet before I mail it to you. Here's a photo of the finished bracelet I wear:

Here's what I would like from you! Please read through my blog (don't miss the Toys in Iraq post from June!), then comment on this post. Tell me two things: 1) what you like best about my blog, and 2) what I could do to improve it.

I'll keep the contest open until noon CST on Friday, August 1.

Please also stop by my other blog, Katie Kay Tees. I'm doing another giveaway there for a customized shirt or onesie.

Thanks for playing!

He's a Genius!

Could it be true? Is my son truly a genius?! Yeah, I think so!

At lunch today, I swear he said his first sentence as he was pointing at the blueberries on the table: "Mommy, I want that." Of course it sounded more like, "Mama, ah-unt dat." But I am counting it as his first sentence.

He's also developing an engineer's mind, like his daddy. (And Grandfather Steeley and Uncle Jackson and all the other engineering relatives he has!) He's figured out how to carry a stool around the house and get into things. Here he is trying to reach the sink. He did this all by himself. (I don't know if I should be proud or terrified!)

Last but not least, our little monkey has figured out how to climb onto the couch. It's like Ninja Warrior - he scales between the ottoman on one side and the couch on the other, and uses the leverage to conquer Couch Mountain. He's so proud of himself when he does it. He really likes to hang over the back of the couch and point to the plugs behind it and say, "Uh-oh." (That's what he's doing in the first photo.) So now I've moved the couch smack dab up against the bay window, to avoid him falling off the back of the couch and to keep him from crawling around behind it (another new trick). It blocks one of our air conditioning vents, so the house will just have to be a little warmer this summer. Oh, well!
What a brilliant, amazing little 15-month-old! Excuse me while I go contact Mensa to find out how to get him accepted. Atta boy!

Katie Kay Tees

Guess what? I decided to follow my own advice and STOP waiting.

For a while now, I've had an item on my To Do List. Various things have kept me from crossing it off: the busy-ness of raising two kids and keeping a house, plus the thought that no one would be interested in "it" anyway. But I decided to just take the plunge and move forward.

I am going to start selling my custom-made shirts and onesies. Some of you might have already received one of them as a birthday present to your child. In the past, people have casually asked me if I would sell one to them but I opted to give them as birthday gifts. In recent weeks, three friends have asked me to start selling them, so I think that's the little nudge I've been needing.

I decided to get off my butt and start a new blog to showcase my designs. I was going to open a store on a certain handmade website, but wasn't quite sure how to list so many different designs without paying a fee to show each of them. So, for now, a blog will have to suffice.

Please go to my new blog, Katie Kay Tees, and let me know what you think. (There's also a link on the right side of this blog in the Blogroll section.) Leave me a comment telling me what your favorite design is. That will help me get an idea of what's most popular, and I can start figuring out how to proceed. My hope is that I can also show some other crafts for sale on that blog, like my photo bracelets or customized board books or baby texture blankets.

I will continue to post my random thoughts and chronicles of our family on this Six Golden Coins blog. So don't leave me! But now you know I have another "sister" blog (or should it be called a "daughter" blog?) that you can visit too. Let me know what you think! I need your feedback, please!

Exercise

I did well on my "TCE Plan" (Taking Care of Elizabeth) this past week. I took at least a 30 minute walk every morning with Jackson after Katie gets on the bus. (Even in the rain!) I'm trying to eat a little better, including more fruits and vegetables. I got on the scale this morning and finally passed under a certain mark. My first thought was, "I'll never hit that mark again in my lifetime." At least that's my hope! I know never is a loaded word.

A woman in my mom's group gave me a baby bike seat, and Dan installed it on my bike last night. I was a little nervous about using it because I haven't ridden a bike since we lived in Kansas City almost nine years ago. But the saying is true: "It's like riding a bike." You just jump back on and your body remembers how to do it. (My body may remember how to, but I have a few new aches from it - especially in my butt from the seat. I forgot how uncomfortable that is!)

This afternoon we took the kids down to the Katy Trail for a bike ride. Katie rode her bike, and she always amazes me at how well she can ride. We rode for only 30 minutes because Jackson didn't like it too much. Actually, I think he disliked the helmet, not the bike ride. You can see him crying in the photo below. The one thing he did enjoy on our ride was pulling up my shirt, patting me and pulling on my underwear. Nevertheless, I enjoyed our bike ride and liked doing something new with my family - and getting exercise too!

S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G Days are Coming to an End

It happens in everyone's life, and now it's happened for us. After Katie got off the bus (which is quickly becoming the BEST part of my day), I was talking to my neighbor Sheryl about her daughter coming over to watch a m-o-v-i-e with Katie. After a one second lull, Katie squeals, "Yay! A movie!"

The good news is she is actually starting to read and spell. That's my girl! The bad news is I don't know how to communicate to someone else without her "reading" what I'm saying. I guess I'll have to start using Pig Latin or I'll have to learn Spanish. Too bad my four years of high school Latin aren't useful anymore!

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

I have a friend who is waiting to find out if her husband is included in the company layoffs.
Another friend is waiting on test results to tell her why her right eye and right arm are weakened, droopy, and lagging behind.
A woman I know is waiting for the oncologist to tell her how long her mother has to live.
I’m waiting for test results too, this time my own (already got the results of Jackson’s).

All this got me thinking: why are we waiting?

Since my brother’s death in 1996, I feel like I’ve spent a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop in my life. And if you know anything about me, you know I’ve had a lot of “shoes” drop in the last 12 years.

My mom was diagnosed with Lupus in 1993. Coincidentally, my dad was diagnosed with Mixed Connective Tissue Disease later that year. (MCTD is extremely similar to Lupus.) Then Dad was diagnosed with Squamous Cell Carcinoma in 1996. My brother died of Rhabdomysarcoma in 1996 when he was 26 years old, just 14 months after diagnosis.

Mom’s health declined for years and she was hospitalized in July 2004 for two strokes, a diseased gallbladder, C-Diff (an incredibly unlovely bacterial infection), and a number of other complications. She died after spending six weeks in the hospital, with my sister and I by her bedside for almost the entire time. (Katie was only one at the time, and Mary’s girls were six and ten.) Mom’s body was in such bad shape after being ravaged by Lupus. It didn’t help that for 11 years after her diagnosis, she didn’t follow doctors’ orders very well in treating the Lupus. When mom was moved to hospice, her doctor told us he was so sure that she also had either breast cancer or ovarian cancer. He asked us to add it to our family health histories and begin getting ourselves screened for the cancers. Mom died on September 7, 2004. It was Dan’s birthday.

Dad’s cancer had been weakening him slowly for years. Honestly, we thought he would die before Mom did. (Side note: my parents separated in 1993 and were divorced in 1995.) He died about six months later, on February 24, 2005.

I’m giving you all these details to explain why I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. My family health history is poor, to say the least. I’ve lost three family members to cancer, and two of them had the added complication of major autoimmune disorders. In addition, my youngest niece has Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, another autoimmune disorder. Knowing my DNA is so flawed makes me feel like I have a shotgun aimed at me. The question is when the trigger will be pulled.

Most days, I don’t think about it too much. I guess it’s kind of a flippant response. I figure something’s going to kill me one day. Just like everyone else. And then other days, I’m stopped in my tracks by the thought that something’s going to kill me one day.

I was stopped in my tracks earlier this year, when I got blood test results saying I have all the positive markers for MCTD. My Rheumatologist said there’s nothing I can do to reverse the possibility. The good news is I may never develop symptoms, or it may be years before I do.

Then I was stopped in my tracks again yesterday. I had my yearly Ob/Gyn checkup. We discussed all kinds of diagnostic tests that will hopefully screen for cancer. I already had a baseline mammogram four years ago, and I now I will start getting them yearly. For ovarian cancer screenings, I have a CA-125 blood test done every year and a pelvic ultrasound to check the growth of my ovaries.

Discussing these issues with my Ob/Gyn made me stop and think how much it sucks to have that shotgun aimed at me. Most days I can ignore the shotgun in the woods, but yesterday I felt like a deer standing in the middle of a forest clearing – with nothing between me and the shotgun.

I expect the blood tests I had done yesterday will turn out fine. But it was another reminder there’s still a shoe hanging up there, waiting to drop. It didn’t help that as I was leaving the hospital, I saw a woman driving a minivan just like mine with a chemo turban on her head. My heart stopped beating for a moment when I thought about what I would do if that were me. Dear God.

As I’ve been thinking about this, the question that comes to me is: what are you waiting for?

Why wait? Do it now. You’ve heard it all before, haven’t you? The advice to use your china and crystal for every day meals, instead of waiting for the big events. Or the advice to wear that pretty lingerie today, instead of waiting for a special night.

Here’s one I’ll add, that I’m telling to myself: stop waiting for "some day." Stop waiting for the kids to get older or go to school or go to Grandma’s. Stop waiting for more money. Do it now. Now is all you have. The phone could ring, the car could crash, a crazy dude could shoot you as you try to help him put out his fire. Nothing is guaranteed. Haven’t you learned this by now, Elizabeth?

Go hug them, and hold on tight. Tell them the words you want them to remember. Invest the time and the energy. Live your life in such a manner that when the other shoe falls, you'll have no regrets. Stop waiting. Go out and live!

Results are Negative

Just a quick update. I talked to the pediatrician just now and Jackson's test results came back fine. Nothing is elevated, there is no inflammation, etc. Whew! She said to keep an eye on his swollen lymph node and if it grows or it seems like he's in pain, then she wants to see him again. But for now, our boy is healthy and fine.

Last night, Dan expressed his worries to me about the test results. In an attempt to reassure him and calm my own fears, I told him, "We've been through bad and we made it through together. It's not our turn again. I'm sure we'll go through bad again, but not now." We tried to keep our minds from wandering into the "what if" possibilities. I think sometimes the "what ifs" can be even worse than the actual reality.

Anyway... thank you for your thoughts and prayers!