Let me get some random thoughts out of my head:
First, we got a new bed. We returned the foamy tempurpedic-type one to Costco (thankfully, they have a great return policy) and bought a new one. Last night was our first night in the new bed. I didn't feel 100% better when I woke up, but I did feel greatly improved. So that's a blessing!
Secondly, we had to buy a new (used) beer fridge after our old one was unsalvageable. Dan found a good deal at a scratch-and-dent store, and we had some money leftover from the bed return to cover most of it. Dan is currently out in the garage moving it into place and re-stocking it. I'll be glad to have an extra fridge on hand. And, yes, I do realize how blessed we are to have an abundance of refrigerators in our house. Some people in the world don't have running water, much less ONE fridge. We have two. We are privileged by the standards in many parts of the world.
Okay, now that those little "housekeeping" details are out of the way, I have come to the title of this post: perfection. It's a lie. Truly. I was talking with two friends of mine yesterday, and one of them said she and another friend were talking about me and how I appear to have it all together. And even when it seems things are starting to implode, I look CALM. I about snorted in her face. I mean, it's nice to get a compliment like that, but it's such a reminder that looks can be deceiving. That made me realize there are so many of us moms who are trying to put off this air that we have it all under control, when we're actually living a lie. And, to me, living the lie is one of the worst things you could do - to yourself, and to others who are watching you.
I remember the first few months after Katie was born. I was so (soooooo!) disillusioned and thought something was wrong with me. How could a new mommy feel anything but bliss? Isn't that the story I'd been told to expect over and over by reading all those parenting magazines and watching my friends? (The few of them I knew who actually had kids at that point.) Oh. My. Gosh. If someone, anyone, had just given me a little glimpse into motherhood, and let me see some of the cracks that exist in the mirror of "perfection." If someone had just told me that motherhood isn't all fluffy teddy bears and cooing. Do you have any idea how much angst that could have spared me, not to mention my poor husband?! (Thank you again, Dan!) To be honest, maybe someone did say it wasn't all fluffy, and I chose to ignore them. I mean, really. I knew what I was getting myself into, didn't I? (Ha!) Of course I know what it's like to get no sleep. I've been to college and pulled all-nighters. (Can't you just see the young, naive version of me patting myself on the back? Puh-lease.)
So let me be one of the first to tell those of you out there: motherhood is NOT perfection. Some days it's just survival. You will spend the rest of your life wracked by guilt over the silliest and most serious of things: did I cause the diaper rash by not changing the diaper early enough, or was it something I ate before I nursed the baby? What if the one beer I had 18 hours ago taints my milk? Should I pump and dump for another 6 hours, just in case? Should I choose this daycare/babysitter/preschool/private school/Kindergarten instead of that one? What if the Teflon coating on my cookware is causing cancer? Should I use only organic milk? What about the safety of plastics and hot dogs and soy? Should I let him cry it out? What if... should I? But... AAGH!
Another crack in the mirror of perfection: some days you will wish you could have your pre-baby life back. Some days you will be selfish, and put your needs above everyone else in the family. (And then sometimes you'll feel guilt over THAT too!) Sometimes, the baby's cries will send you over the edge, and you'll have to go out on the front stoop and cry - no matter that all the neighbors are watching you teeter on the edge of sanity. Remember, you're just trying to survive. Screw perfection!
Why oh why do some of us feel the need to put on a mask and pretend we're perfect? I truly don't think I've pretended to be perfect. I thought I let my warts and hairy backside show all the time. But as my friend revealed yesterday, apparently I haven't let all of the "sucks to be me" show.
So, I think it's time to change that. Let's be real, people. I'm going to vow to let it all hang out, imperfections and guilt and cluelessness. Wanna join me? Leave me a comment and tell me the ways you aren't perfect. Let's commiserate so we can come out stronger, realizing we are all flawed and imperfect but full of beauty nonetheless.
