2008 in Hindsight

I know some people who don't think much of the calendar change. The days are the "same," even if the year has changed. But, for me, I think pretty deeply about the old year passing into the new. I make resolutions every year, even if I don't stick with them. There's something that appeals to me about the promise of regrouping, refocusing, and starting new. Life is full of second chances. That's what a new year signals for me.

But I can't welcome the new year without pondering the old. This past year was less traumatic than others for me (1996, 2004 and 2005, to be exact), but it was still hugely impactful (is that even proper English?). I grew more into myself, and I can feel the weight of it now. Here's what I'll remember about this year - and please note that this list is different than the "Top 10" list I usually send with our Christmas card/email. Because this is the real deal, with scars and bruises and joy and change.

1. 2008 started off with the best 30 days of the entire year (Danuary), which made this year probably the best year of all 13 married years of my life. Yes, there were downs but there were also some great ups too. I learned to trust my husband even more than I already did, and we strengthened our bonds and tightened our love. He is and will always be the love of my life. He is also the one who exasperates me the most, as I do him. But I know, without a doubt, that God made us for each other and that we will continue trying to not screw it up. It's hard work, but with amazing payoffs.

2. 2008 was the year I started blogging. I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating: I can't begin to express what blogging has done for me. Not only have I made new friends, but I've discovered (or re-discovered) my passion for writing and learning. My blog has opened my eyes to a whole new world, and helped me feel less alone and more loved and understood. It's a lifeline that I've created to the future me and the future Katie and Jackson, because it's an heirloom that I'm creating for them. It's their legacy, but it's a gift to myself as well. I have found immeasurable joy in such a simple thing.

3. 2008 was a year of learning my limits. I mean this in so many ways. Of course, there's the obvious limit of my lupus diagnosis. I'm pretty proud of myself for stepping off the roller coaster of life after my diagnosis, and paring down the unessentials in my life. I learned that I don't have a boundless store of energy. That was a pretty shocking concept for me, because I've always just gone hog wild and never put much emphasis on limits. (That explains why exhaustion and overextension kept tracking me down.) I'll always have the tendency to do more, because it's in my genetics. But in 2008, I learned there's a cost to "more." Besides the health limits, I learned earlier in the year about my mental limits. I hit a brick wall in May, and realized I had reached my limit with the kids. I was unhappy and at the end of my rope. I admitted it to Dan, and we came up with two solutions: the necessity of me leaving the house at least one night each week, and an additional day of Parents' Day Out for Jackson. Those two solutions haven't made everything peachy and rosy, but they sure have helped me get a grip.

4. 2008 was a year of changes. Of course. If there weren't any changes, then I guess I'd be dead. Right? One change was a small victory: the loss of 16 pounds. (I probably gained 10 back over Christmas, though!) I still have more to lose, but I want to acknowledge the 16 so far. And there were other changes too: I gained new friends and strengthened relationships with old friends, and also saw some friends slip away. I've read that sometimes you have friends only for certain seasons of your life. Life ebbs and flows, and that's okay. There were other changes, like our church. And that brings me to...

5. 2008 was a year of deepening. God's love rooted itself more firmly in me. He did it in small, subtle ways that led to one BIG change. First we started attending the contemporary service at our old church in order to work around Jackson's naptime. I didn't like it at first, but then grew comfortable very quickly. That led to opening some new channels in my heart. Then I started immersing myself in other areas (worship through music, learning my limits & listening to my heart's true desires). On a whim and through a friend's invitation, we visited a new church. We weren't really planning to leave our old church (despite lots of issues), but I got hit upside the head with a desire and calling to attend this new place, Windsor Crossing. It is speaking to me in ways I never thought I needed, and in ways I'd already heard but hadn't truly listened. Does that even make sense? I am compelled and feel such a blatant NEED to be at this church. I'm almost embarrassed to admit how much I need it. Y'all are going to start thinking I'm a Bible thumper, aren't you? I wouldn't quite put it that way, but I will say that I'm not ashamed to admit my need for God's presence in my life. I'm humbled, and so drawn to His nourishment and hydration. This year, He has drawn me close. I can honestly say I have felt His presence multiple times this year, and been moved to tears by it. I can literally feel my soul deepening and widening from the things I've experienced this year.

So there it is, all the cards laid out on the table. The real deal. I started writing this post about three hours ago, when 2008 was still bright and sunny. Now dusk is rolling in, and the sky is fading on the last day of the year. The sun will rise tomorrow on a new day, and a new year. I'm finished looking back and ready to look forward. And I can't wait to see where the path leads from here.

"It's not who you knew and it's not what you did. It's how you live." (Point of Grace)