3,000 Miles in 48 Hours

I have about 10 minutes before the bus arrives, and I wanted to post a quick "nutshell" of my life from the last 12 days. Give me time, y'all. I'll elaborate later - hopefully with separate posts on each of the major events I just survived.

We went to Jamaica on May 4. My grandmother died on May 9. Yes, we were still in Jamaica and it was awful news to receive. It was also damn hard to get any information about a return flight. Long story short... thanks to God's amazing timing, we arrived at Grandmother's funeral on Tuesday morning in Virginia with only THREE minutes to spare.

I'll give you the details later. For now, here's a jumble of words that represent the conflicting thoughts in my head at any given moment these days:
Paradise. God's masterpiece. Sand. Grief. Sunburn. Candlelight dinners. Piano sing-alongs. All-night road trip. Reuniting with family. Tired. Yummy food. Dirty Bananas. Sunshine. Roses on graves. Bagpipes. Costume jewelry. 2 hours of sleep. 650+ photos. Hammocks. Joy. Sorrow. Faith in God's promises. Resurrection. VMI. Kate Prado. Laundry. Sunsets. To Do List. Gratitude. Peace.

I could go on and on, but I can't miss the bus! Details to come, y'all. I promise. LOTS of details. Just sit tight and give me time.

Like Father, Like Daughter

I have the BEST news to share with y'all. It has lifted my spirits all week, but I haven't had a chance to tell you about it until now because I was getting permission to share it with you.

Last Monday night, I got a comment on my blog. My jaw dropped when I realized it was written by the daughter of Martin Buxbaum.

Huh?! Who's that, you ask? If you've read this blog, then you should already know, people!

Martin Buxbaum is the poet who wrote "Six Golden Coins." Uh, yeah... that's the poem I named my blog after. Need more explanation as to why? Then go read the "About My Blog" blurb on the right-hand side of my blog page. Scroll down a bit, you'll see it. Or you can go here for the post too, and you'll also see the original comment that Kate Buxbaum-Prado left me (Martin's daughter).

I got the comment and my heart just about burst open with surprise and joy and, of course, sadness. Why? Well... you have no idea how MUCH I'd love to call my dad and tell him that the daughter of one of his favorite poets got in contact with me. I can just hear him saying, "Wow! Did she really?" He'd be so proud and excited about it.

I emailed Kate back and told her how honored I am to keep her father's words alive. And even more honored that she would contact me. I also visited her website and read some of the poems she has written, and realized she has her father's gift.

And isn't that the biggest honor of all? That our father's gifts and lives will be carried on through us? My dad was a poet too, although he was never published. But his love for words and dramatic readings lives on in me. Kate's father was a tender poet, and the tenderness he bestowed on his children is evident in her poems and also in her character, as she reached out to me.

The truth is I'd love to call Dad and share all this with him, but I know he already knows. He's beaming down at me, full of joy and wonder at what a small world we live in. I am thrilled that my little old blog has resurrected both Kate's father and mine for at least a short while. We, their daughters, are blessed to carry their legacies within us.

Fasten Your Seat Belt...

...there's a lot on my mind! So I'm just going to start motor-mouthing.

I'm back from Virginia, obviously. It was a very long and emotional week, but such a good one too. I was expecting Grandmother to die almost any day, but she is such a fighter and is STILL going strong. The woman is amazing, y'all. She's 94 and up until this episode, she was only on a multivitamin and steroid for Addison's Disease. That's IT. She doesn't need glasses and her hearing is perfect. In fact, she kept telling me, "Stop shouting, I'm not deaf." And when I read poetry to her (which was often), she had to keep repeating, "Slow down. You read too fast." (Apparently the Midwest has rubbed off on me and now I talk TOO fast for my Southern relatives.)

It was such an honor for me to be there to care for Grandmother, even if she was more interested in the men who took care of her like my uncles, cousin and brother-in-law. My aunt and I slaved over her, yet she kept telling us how strong and wonderfuly my cousin is. It can tick you off, until you realize it is so in-character for her. She's never enjoyed women much, and really LOVES men.

And finally, in just one week, I think I came to a place of understanding and mutual respect for Grandmother. Growing up, I kind of feared her because she isn't the fluffy, soft grandmotherly type. I was taught to have a large amount of respect for her and mostly just stay out of her way. Now the older I get, the more I respect her out of love, not just deference. Last week was the best time I've ever spent with her. We talked about her parents, her brothers, her husbands (all FOUR of them), and how much she misses my dad and brother. We watched TV, I combed her hair and scratched her back and rubbed lotion all over her. I fed her ice chips and ran straight to the store when she requested a beer. When she needed a tissue, I jumped to get it for her. She yelled at me a bit and told me to "lay off the brownies." Oh, and, "Never eat bread. It makes you fat." I got to read poetry to her and learned that "Ode to a Nightingale" by Keats is her favorite poem. Her mind is sharp and doesn't miss much. She was still reciting entire poems and quotes that she learned decades ago. After sitting beside her for an entire week, I felt truly integrated into her life. Putting someone else's needs above yours is exhausting, but so gratifying too. Being the caregiver for someone does something to your soul. It makes you feel like an extension of God's love. I hope Grandmother felt His love and mine throughout the week. I honestly feel like she did, because our goodbye was one of the most emotional I've ever experienced with anyone. After having three of my four family members die, I've learned to say "it" regardless of how inappropriate it might feel. So when I said goodbye to her, knowing it was the last time I'd see her, I made sure that she knows without a doubt how much I love her. I looked straight into her eyes, told her I respect her and care for her so very much, and thanked her for being the woman she has been. I thanked her for being an example for me, and for the son she raised who in turn raised me. She and I were both aching as I turned to leave, but I walked out of that room with no regrets. I am so thankful that I was given such a gift last week.

So this week has been a little overwhelming in other ways. It started with my return flight back to Missouri, which was a nightmare. I won't go into detail (I already wrote a four page complaint letter to American Airlines), but suffice it to say I was exhausted when I returned. Dan was too, after being the only line of defense for an entire week. We've both been scrambling to make up for the previous week: work at his office, laundry at home, To Do Lists, groceries, emails, and I haven't even blogged about anything in depth! And to make it all worse? We're leaving for another trip and are trying to get things in place for that. To be honest, I've not really let myself think much about this trip because I keep expecting to get a call that Grandmother has died and we will have to cancel our trip. But so far, Grandmother has been a champ and today I finally feel hopeful enough to start packing and planning. Nothing like waiting 'til the last minute!

Lastly, I had to share some photos I took today of my Katie girl. I saw this crinoline tutu at the mall, and had to buy it for her. I gave it to her when she got home from school, and she immediately put it on and danced around in it. I asked if we could have a little photo shoot while Jackson napped, and she obliged. Here are the photos I took. Isn't she marvelous?

Giveaway Winners, or Why Doesn't Anyone Love Me?

Congratulations to the TWO winners of my blog birthday giveaway! Yes, you read correctly: I had TWO winners. Is that because I am so generous? Uh, no. (Although let's say I am anyway!) It's because nobody else even entered the giveaway.

Ouch.

Y'all make me feel so sad. So unloved. Is it the prizes? Did you not like them? Or is it that I have only two readers? Oh, boo hoo. Let the pity party commence.

So... congratulations to my two readers, Scrappy Sue and AbFab Geek. Thanks for being loyal friends, y'all! One of you is my friend in Real Life (AbFab) and one is my friend in cyberworld (Scrappy Sue - but I'm hoping one day we'll meet in person). I'll be working on your prizes soon!

Happy First Birthday & Giveaway

I promised you that I would have a little birthday celebration for Six Golden Coins, and here it is! (Albeit 15 days late!)

Here's the bad news: if you were waiting for some spectacular post with great reminisces from me, you'll have to check back later. I don't have much to give you these days, after dealing with Dan's back injury, two wily kids, and my grandmother's failing health.

Now don't go feeling like I'm neglecting you, poor Six Golden Coins. Just because I don't have a lot of inspiring things to write doesn't mean I don't love you! On the contrary! You have been one of the most motivating, inspiring, meaningful things in my life this past year. You've been my outlet when I'm melancholy for my family, homesick for days gone by, aching from my disease, or overwhelmed by the daily grind of being a mother and wife and friend. And you've also been the first place I want to turn when I am overjoyed by new milestones, bursting with awe at our God, or prideful at the growth of my children.

Simply put, I have found myself in you, dear blog. You have helped me grow in ways I never imagined, and helped crystallize my inner fortitude. You have strengthened me and caused me to become more introspective and intentional in how I live my life. And the best part? You've become a part of my family - a living, growing part of my family - because YOU are the chronicle of our lives. You will be the place we turn one day to remember the has-beens and used-to-bes. You are our family's growth chart, diary and scrapbook, all rolled into one.

Thank you for being so many things to us. And thank you for the connections you've brought me to the amazing bloggy world out there. Connections of faith, craftiness, friendship, kindness, constructive criticism, and support.

So to honor you, Six Golden Coins, I'm hosting a happy little giveaway. It's what we do in the bloggy world, right? First, I'll reveal the prize since I know that's what everyone wants to know first.

I'll be giving away three things: a copy of my favorite CD (you'll just have to wait and see!), a customized photo bracelet, and a custom onesie or t-shirt from Katie Kay Tees (winner's choice). Yes, there is only one winner and he/she will get all three. And chances are I'll be throwing in a sampling of some of my other favorite things, just because I want to shower y'all with love. I'm not telling what those things are, at least not yet. But I promise you it'll be fun!

So how can you win? You get one entry by leaving me a comment in this post. Your comment MUST include your email address and also your favorite post that you've read on Six Golden Coins. (Yes, I am ashamed to admit I am needy and starving for praise, y'all!) You can also get an additional entry by posting about Six Golden Coins at your blog and then coming back here and leaving me another comment with a permalink to your post.

See? It's that simple. "You add ice and it make ice tea!" (inside joke with Dan)

I will keep the contest open until noon (CST) on April 27. I will pick a winner and will contact the winner to coordinate the customized prizes.

In closing, I'm posting some gratuitous shots of my kids just so there are photos in my post.

Now you can see those wily kids for yourself.

Happy birthday, Six Golden Coins!

Heading Out

I will be out of contact for a few days. My grandmother is slipping away, so I am heading to Virginia on Sunday morning to be with her and my family.

There are an awful lot of people who are helping me out so I can go be with Grandmother. Thank you for being so kind!

Please keep Grandmother, my family, Dan and the kids in your prayers.

"And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:3

Prayers Needed!

Oh, it's been a long week already.

It started on Saturday when Dan injured his back. He's been pretty much out of the loop since then, even taking a sick day on Monday because he was in such excruciating pain. He was stooped over most of the Easter weekend and his spine was visibly crooked. It just hurt to look at him! I've been doing the kids' baths and bedtime for Jackson every night, since Dan can't really pick Jackson up at this point. The good news is Dan says today he feels like a six on the scale of 1 to 10. (Monday was a nine.) He's getting better through chiropractic care and even put Jackson to bed tonight. But he still has some healing to do, and we'd appreciate your prayers.

The second - and even more major - concern is that my grandmother's health is failing. The photo shows us together in 2007. She is my dad's mom, and is 94 years old. She is one of the strongest people I know, so her health issues are hard to deal with. I kind of assumed she'd live forever, you know? But she is in renal failure and it looks like she won't recover from it. I'm not sure how much time she has left: days or weeks? But I know that we are trying to be as loosely scheduled as possible so I can go to Virginia to be with her as soon as it looks like the end is near. Please keep Grandmother in your prayers! Pray if her death is close, that it will be gentle and painless. And pray that she feels all the love of those who are with her here and those who are waiting for her in Heaven.

Thank you!

He is Risen!

I wanted to share this photo with you today.

The photo was taken when Dad and I went to Israel in 1993. It shows the door of the Garden Tomb, which many (including me) believe is the tomb where Jesus was buried. When Dad and I toured the tiny tomb, our guide explained that there is lots of controversy surrounding the location of Jesus' tomb. Then he summed it up by saying it doesn't truly matter anyway - the bottom line is that the tomb is empty and Jesus didn't stay in it.

Hallelujah!

I hope you all have a blessed Easter!

Good Friday: No More Waiting

I’ve been waiting, biding my time and hoping I won’t have to go alone. And I’ve been waiting until I am less flawed and more presentable. I mean, who would really want to give a wreck of themselves to the King of Kings? Imagine going to a Presidential Inauguration, dirty and dressed in rags. Who would even consider doing that?

I feel like that’s me – torn and tattered, with my act barely together. I thought I was on the right path, and have found that although I was moving forward, I wasn’t truly taking the right steps.

I am broken. I am a machine that doesn’t operate properly and needs rebooting. On. A. Daily. Basis. I yell at my kids. I lose my temper. I am greedy and selfish. I covet what others have. I am selfish, selfish, selfish. I put too much weight in others’ opinions of me. I let the past hound me and scratch at my heart over and over again. I am pompous. I am addicted to food, and let’s not even go into a discussion of my body image. I am stubborn and independent to a fault, and then desperately needy in the very next breath. I am timid and ferocious. Sometimes I am downright mean and, oh! So judgmental. I am inconsistent and contradictory. I am incomplete and look to others to complete me. I am dramatic and afraid.

Oh, yes. So very afraid. Afraid of being laughed at. Afraid of failing. Afraid of pledging something I know I cannot uphold. I am afraid to expose myself and leave my heart unprotected, which is what I would be doing by diving in and stepping out in faith. But mostly? I’m afraid of being alone. A-L-O-N-E.

I hear a voice whisper, “I was alone too. I hung there for you, praying for you. Begging our Father for YOU. He turned from me and the sins I took on, and left me alone. I know how it feels. I know how you feel, Elizabeth. You’ll never go anywhere that I haven’t already been. I promise you that! Believe me.”

And I realize that out of great sorrow comes great joy. The greatest sorrows in my life have reframed themselves by becoming the greatest joys too. How can that be? How can sorrow be joyful? Because it can be redeemed. “Jesus didn’t stay in the tomb and the linen which had once been a sign of tragedy is now a sign of triumph. God is still working in your life.” Oh, yes, He is. I am seeing it every single day now. In my life and in Dan’s. And in others’ lives too. It’s undeniable now. Un-believingly-un-deniable. I won’t invade their privacy by going into detail, but I will say it’s encouraging and uplifting. Lord, you have seen my deepest desires and you are bringing them to life.

Oh, but back to me. (I did mention I was selfish, didn’t I?) I know with eyes open and heart full that just because I step off into the unknown today doesn’t mean I won’t have to do it again. In fact, I’m going to have to do it over and over. Repetitively. Obsessively. Because that’s the only way that my machine will function and that’s the only way that my malfunctions will be fixed.

You hold the key, Lord. I’ll allow you entry into the places of my heart where no one goes. Please don’t be shocked by the upheaval and mess that you’ll see. I know, I know. I need to clean it up a bit, open the windows and air it out. And, yes, I fully realize that none of this is a shock to you. But it’s the first time I’m exposing it by choice.

No more waiting. The flaws I have are the best I can give. It is an unworthy, unpresentable gift. It’s shabby and tattered. I am shabby and tattered. But, dear Lord, will you have me anyway? Will you help fix me and make me usable? Will you keep me from talking myself out of it? Will you come into my heart and set up shop, and when the tears come (as I know they will), will you promise not to leave me? I am so afraid, but I can see your hand being held out to me. Yes, I will take it. I will hold on to you. I will follow you. You’ve called my name and I am yours. “Can I come home?”

I think about you all the time, Elizabeth, & will never stop doing good to you. Psalm 139, Jeremiah 32

Happy Belated Birthday, Six Golden Coins!

Mistakenly, I had it in my mind that April 20 was my blog's birthday. Turns out I'm wrong. Ugh! It's like I forgot my best friend's birthday. Shame on me!

Six Golden Coins turned one last Sunday, April 5. Happy birthday, my friend!

Had I been thinking correctly, I would have planned a big bash for you, including some sort of spectacular writing by Yours Truly and maybe even a fun giveaway. But now it all seems anticlimactic to plan a big bash. Am I wrong?

Heck, no, dude! I think I'll just move forward with my thinking that the birthday is April 20. We'll just plan something for that day, even though it is 15 days late. How 'bout that?

Now I better work on some sort of plan, since I have only 10 days to put it together. Stay posted, y'all.

And please leave me a comment so my blog feels at least some sort of birthday love. Poor thing.

Gratitude

Thank you, God, for:

• Naptimes
• Chinese food
• The written word
• Easter dresses & egg hunts

• A husband who will cook dinner (I quit last week.)
• Lullabies
• Juicy Fruit gum
• Monday movie nights

• Cuddling

• Great music
• Bathtime

• Great books
• Phone calls from my sister
• Gymnastics

Being Real

Being Real. Sounds like The Velveteen Rabbit, doesn't it? Well, in a way, it kind of is. Let me ask you this: how deeply are you living your life? How widely? You've heard the saying, "an inch deep and a mile wide." Is that how your life is going? Or is it one inch by one inch?

I'd like to think my life is pretty deep and pretty wide. I wasn't always on this deep and wide course, but some major life changes put me on track pretty quickly. It started when I was 22 and my brother died. I was filled with regret and "what ifs." I learned that life isn't a guarantee, and that it's more important to focus on what you have than what you don't have. I learned that a "good" experience can easily turn into "bad" and vice versa, so it's the experience that matters and not the way I choose to label it. Mostly, I was confronted with mortality and the idea that I will leave this world one day. That got me thinking about what exactly I want to leave behind. And as a result, I probably think about death (especially my own) a lot more than most people I know. I don't mean I think about how or when, but I think about the after part a lot: what will happen to my loved ones after, and what will happen to me? And I think about the after part for those I love too; what will happen if they die before me?

That tangent does have a purpose, I promise. The purpose is this: I often think about how I want to live a Real life, and I think about how to become more Real. How do I deepen and widen , or narrow and focus, to continue becoming more Real?

"What is Real," you ask? I'm sure we all have different definitions. Let me tell you mine. To me, being Real is being alive versus simply living and doing your time. It means at least giving it a try. Real is living passionately, and being a lifelong learner. But most of all, Real is being the person God created you to be. That means finding your strengths (even outside of your comfort zone), your niche, your calling, and putting down roots there and making it a home. Have I always been Real? No, silly. And even right now I might not be, nor do I know if I will continue my days as a Real person. But there is one thing: I'm at least trying. I am actively living, seeking out others who are passionate about learning and growing and asking questions and agreeing to disagree. I am not stagnant (although that would be lovely some days). I'm on the move, feeding my soul with the things God places in my life. And, oh! The nutrition He's giving me these days is outstanding. The grub is rich, y'all.

Now don't go thinking I'm all high and mighty here. Not for one second! Because I have been known to be more righteous than right, and pretty often too. I admit it. But I will say this: I am deep and I am wide. ("Deep and wide, there's a fountain flowing deep and wide!" Those VBS days stuck with me!) Can you say the same? Are you living deeply and widely? If not, why not?

And do you want to come along with me and try it together?

I can't promise you anything but imperfection because there are times I just can't seem to get it right. I yell at my kids. I don't always wipe up spills immediately off the kitchen floor. I avoid ironing. I hate to cook and vacuum. I'd rather read or listen to music or make something crafty. I have gray hair and stretch marks and scars. But the things that are "right" about me? I love. Read that again: I love. That means I hurt too, but it means that I. Am. Real. I love and I also sing and I laugh and cry and smile. I take photos of all of the above, including the unpretty scars. Because it's all part of being Real.

The thing is? Lately I've been caught up in trying to justify myself, or justify the new changes that are taking hold in my life. Did God ever want that for me? No. No. No. Why am I so caught up in justification? Honestly! Who do I need to justify myself to? NoBODY. As long as I am deepening my relationship with God and actively pursuing the growth of the person He calls me to be, then there should be no other judgment. AND that means that I don't need to judge anyone else either.

Aaaahhh... deep breath now. Let me tell you what's really on my mind, what got me started on this "Reality." There's something I've been mulling over for a while. Something I would really, truly enjoy doing. Something my soul thirsts for, and it makes my cheeks flush just to think about it. Something others have done and I envy them for having the courage to do it. (And no, it isn't skydiving. Ugh, no!) But I'm afraid. Of what? Well... of having to justify my decision to others. Of appearing weak. Of admitting my shortcomings. Of not being Real. Or what if I take the plunge and it makes me more Real than I ever imagined? And what if I can't handle that much Real?

Oh, wow. Whew. Glad THAT'S out in the open! Sorry to be talking in code about all of this, but I'm just not ready to reveal these deep fears. At least not yet. I think I might be getting close to it, and I'll be more than willing to share it then.

For now, I'm going to make a pledge to myself to keep stepping out of my comfort zone. I know that if I just take one tiny step, God will lead me to the next one. I don't need to know the end result just yet, just the next step. And I pledge to (as my pastor said last Sunday) keep my eyes open and my heart soft. Pray for me, y'all. And as I said earlier, let me know if you want to come along with me and try being Real together!

"Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,/And the fear that I'll fail You in the end./In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces./I can't put this together but You can." from "Here I Am" by Downhere

Jackson's Big Day

We started the morning with a ride on his present from Daddy, Mommy, & Katie: a Plasmacar.

Then a special treat for breakfast: chocolate chip waffles!

He opened a present that Katie wrapped especially for him. It was her old flashlight. And it broke two minutes after this photo when he threw it.

Then the annual measurement for the growth chart.

I had friends and family write notes to him on a dry erase board and took photos of it for our scrapbook. Here is Katie's note:

And every year at my children's parties, I ask (okay, force) people to sign a fabric square that will one day be used to make a quilt.

Grandma made a train cake with homemade icing.

Yay, he blew out the candles!

Caught in the act!

Happy birthday, big boy!

Dear Jackson,

You are a magical, wonderful little two year old. You stun me daily with all the ways you are growing and changing.

I can already tell that you possess a strong mind and memory. You don't forget things easily - and even remember people's names after hearing it only once. Yesterday in the car, you saw busses. You said, "I see a bus." And then you followed it with, "I see 3 busses!" You counted them and you were right. See what I mean by stunned?!

I am enjoying you so much lately. Your personality is so strong and spunky. You are determined and independent. You love to read tbooks and play with baseballs and footballs and soccer balls and basketballs. Oh, how you love them! You can kick like a five-year-old and throw like one too. You love balls so much that you sleep with a tennis ball right now. Funny, isn't it?

You are such a little stinker sometimes too. You love to play games like withholding kisses from me. Then when I act sad, you run up and jump in my arms. You also love daredevil acts and defying my "no!" shrieks when I see you couch diving. You glance at me with a grin as you soar into the air. I'm sure we're on borrowed time until our first ER visit for a broken bone!

You are a loved little boy. You have some great friends and neighbors who love watching you and playing with you. Your sister is also in love with you, and enjoys getting you riled up with a tickle fest or chasing you around the house. The other day you stood with her at the front door, watching me go to the mailbox. I saw you two and my heart finally knew our family is complete and whole. It's been a long road to get to this point, because there were some days in the last two years that I wasn't sure we'd make it. But this two-year birthday marks a milestone for me. I've never been home full-time with a baby, because I worked until Katie turned two. So these last few years have been new territory for me. I'm happy to say we made it - and we didn't just survive it. We thrived and bonded and grew and changed.

You, my son, have changed us, as much as you have changed yourself. You have changed our family with your dynamic little being. You have made us laugh and cry, love and dream. Your sweetness and softness (especially when you tell me you're my Sugar Boy) takes my breath away. And then you turn into your scrappy little self and show me who's boss. I am in love with you, little man. I am thrilled and honored to be celebrating your second birthday with you today. Thank you for making me so full and for sharing your joy with us!

I love you always and forever,

Mommy

Like a Chicken with Its Head Cut Off

Aack! Where has this week gone?

School is back in session as of yesterday. I had a day without both kids, but full of doctor's appointments and meeting with Katie's principal to resolve some bus ride issues. (NOT fun.) But don't you worry; it wasn't her fault and it's all been handled now. Very well, I might add. I'm pleased with the way the school took a proactive stance. Rather than go into the personal details, suffice it to say that I learned how quickly a child's innocence can be harmed.

So now I'm busy preparing for Jackson's big birthday this Saturday (and watching Dan FREAK OUT as he watches the Mizzou Tigers during March Madness - but I don't blame him!). Back to the birthday boy... I'm going to try to make these yummy little treats for him (thanks for the idea, Jodie!), but I'm a bit nervous how they'll turn out. And, no, they won't be pink!

I realized today that I have way too many projects on the back burner, and need to commit one day to wading through them. I need to catch up on my digital scrapbooking (I got waylaid and stalled in mid-July 2008), paint some frames for displaying the kids' artwork, plus write for my friend Danielle's wonderful website. (Yes, I write a little "column" for her. Betcha can't find my articles!) Oh, I also need to get an oil change and tire rotation. And get comfortable with my new camera. And finish a homemade book for my nephew. And Ryan's Star Wars figurine book. Ugh! Have you noticed how scatterbrained I am as a result?!

Lest this become a blog that exists solely to regurgitate my To Do List, I'll leave you with some photos of my Bubbers today at the park.
This was his first time on a "big kid" swing. I think he liked it!

Happy Mama

Meet Penny, the newest member of our family.

I can't wait to get to know her better. And, yes, I know I have a LOT to learn. Until then, here are two shots I took today. The first shows the busy bees in our tree blossoms, right outside the window as I type.

And this is my own little busy bee. Isn't she adorable?

All Over the Place

I haven't had much to say this week, have I? It's not for lack of things to say, just for lack of time in which to say it. So, here's a recap of our week.

The trees are blossoming and the weather has been awesome. Katie and I sat in the window and looked at the tree outside, and watched at least a hundred bees swarm the tree for nectar. The tree was literally humming with noise.

On Tuesday, we went to the park for an outdoor St. Patrick's Day party. Katie made a Froot Loop rainbow.

Jackson was a madman, running wild around the park. He didn't stop for at least an hour. There was an empty baseball diamond too, and he thoroughly enjoyed digging in the dirt with sticks.

Dan and I got an unexpected night out on Tuesday when our neighbor gave us tickets to see Cirque Dreams at the Fox Theater. It was pretty cool. There were contortionists, dancers, jump ropers, balancers, acrobatics, trapezists, and even a hairialist. Yep, you read that right. (She was suspended above the stage. By. Her. Hair.) I loved being at the Fox again. It is one of the most beautiful, ornate buildings. The photos I took don't do it justice. There's only one other Fox Theater, which is in my hometown of Atlanta. So being at the St. Louis Fox makes me feel like I'm back at home.

Wednesday, Grandma took Katie to the Science Center while Jackson was at Parents' Day Out. I had the day to myself! I got a haircut and had an inspiring meeting at church, discussing how I can use my creative passions and writing.

Today, I took the kids to a nearby gymnastics center with my mom's group. All three of us (me included!) enjoyed it immensely. They jumped and ran and bounced and hung from bars, and Jackson screamed his head off when it was time to leave. This is a photo of him laying in the foam pit where I couldn't reach him. He refused to come to me, so I had to climb in to get him. And then when I took away his "baskeh-gone" and "pooball" (basketball and football), his screams turned into hysteria.

So, we've been busy. And happy. And blissfully enjoying the early spring weather. Let's hope it continues, because I am so tired of being cold and losing circulation in my extremeties this past winter. I am looking forward to sweating and being hot this summer! (I never thought I'd hear myself saying that!)

Fear

Ever have a period in your life when the same theme keeps repeating itself? I keep bumping into the same idea lately. It comes to mind during conversations I have, in books I'm reading, in songs I hear, in my prayer time, and even in those random thoughts that assault me as I am quieting my mind before sleep. It just came up again, about an hour ago in a conversation I was having with someone after church. I think God's telling me to pony up and dig in deep and explore it.

First, let me start with this:

It is a quote by Nelson Mandela. I first read it in July 2001, when I went for a job interview. This exact painting was in the stairwell of the company where I was interviewing. I was nervous about the interview, and took the stairs up to the receptionist's desk. There, on the stair landing, this painting stopped me dead in my tracks. I read it and a sense of calm spread over me. I knew I was where I needed to be at that time in my life. It was a tumultous point in my life, as I had just been fired (from a ministry, no less! Ouch!) and I was lacking confidence in myself. Truly, how would you feel after being rejected by an entire corporation full of Christians? I was in pain.

"It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." Those words by Nelson Mandela have been so inspiring for me. I have revisited them in my mind over and over. And, recently, they have been churning in my head yet again. Here's why.

I am afraid. Of being disliked. Of being unlovable. Of being alone. Mostly, I am afraid of putting myself out there (especially in this blog) and being rejected. I want to write. I feel called to write, but so afraid to put myself out there. There are things in my head and in my heart that I rarely share with others. I'm sure this is true for almost everyone. For me, I am afraid of stepping into the unknown and fully becoming the person I feel God is calling me to be. How did Paul (Jesus' disciple) do it? Or Jesus himself, for that matter? How does one decide to stand alone when the world is against him? Where do you find the strength? And I don't even face a tiny bit of the persecution that Paul or Jesus faced. What I'm talking about something is so small. My fears are mainly that my friends might not like me. Or what if I offend my family? What if they think I've become a *gasp!* Bible thumper? Yikes! I say that in jest, but also with a little bit of trepidation because I truly don't want to make enemies or alienate anyone.

And yet.

Who am I to be "brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" And, to paraphrase, who am I to think I am not loved by God, not put in a certain position for a purpose? In my prayers lately, God is calling me to step up and own it. Step fully into the person He created me to be: faulty and loving, giving and selfish, joyful and enthusiastic, raw and full of pain. Because "as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

The burdens I have carried in my life may seem light to some. To others, they may seem overwhelming. I have lost a brother, mother and father at early ages. What some may call "the worst thing that can ever happen" (death) has already happened to me. Three times. But I've walked through that fear and I've found that I'm still me, still whole, still loved and loving on the other side. My responsibility now is to own that so I can help others walk through their fears. And not just the fears that grief brings with it, but the fears I faced in other times in my life: postpartum depression, anxiety attacks, diagnosis of a chronic disease, job loss, etc. I have taken Galatians 6:2 to heart: "Bear one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." I might not be the best at bearing other's burdens, but I at least try to help others know they are not alone.

So, this is where the rubber meets the road. Am I ready to walk through the fear and to unapologetically become God's child? Jesus' friend? Am I ready to live it? Even though it means I'll probably mess up a few times? Or that I might look hypocritical? Or that I might need to ask forgiveness? The one thing I know for sure is that I am not alone. Just like I try to show others they are not alone, I need to turn this truth back onto myself. I am not alone.

• "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)
• "'Come, follow me,' Jesus said." (Matthew 4:19)
• "Over time you've healed so much in me/And I am living proof/That although my darkest hour had come/Your light could still shine through/And though at times it's just enough to cast/A shadow on the wall./Well, I am grateful that you shine your light on me at all." (Who Am I by Watermark)

I am Yours. Let Your light shine through me, Lord.

EDIT: My friend Mary found out a little bit of news that is mildly alarming to me. It turns out the words that I quoted above were not written by Nelson Mandela. Humph! They have been often incorrectly attributed to him, but were actually written by Marianne Williamson. Here's a link to the explanation. I apologize for the misinformation and for not crediting the correct person. But no matter who spoke them, the words are still beautiful and God-inspired. Thanks for the info, Mary!

All aboard!

I had a mini photo shoot at home today, in an effort to get some photos of Jackson before his 2nd birthday. And since he's into trains lately (Thomas especially), I dressed him up like a little train engineer. Here are some photos of him and Katie. I am thrilled with how they turned out. Give me your feedback, please!

Status Update on the Kids

This is my post where I take moment to pause and capture life as we know it right now.

Jackson will turn two in sixteen days. He is a lot more fun lately. I think one major factor in that is his growing ability to communicate. Yes, he still has screaming fits when he doesn't get what he wants or when he can't express it to me, but he's learning to communicate so well. He talks in full sentences. After dinner he told Dan, "I wan go Costco." We told him we were going to Target instead. He said, "I wan Mommy go too" and stalked me until I got my shoes on. And just now, he looked out the window and said, "It dark outside." He is lots more fun too because he likes to be silly. He does this little dance of shaking his body side to side. Maybe one day I'll be able to catch it on video. Jackson also LOVES shoes right now. He often walks over to the shoe rack by the back door and steals someone's shoes to wear through the house. He especially loves wearing Katie's shoes. I caught him in her boots the other day.

It also helps that Jackson is sleeping much better these days. He still has night time wakings a few times each week, but they are usually short-lived. He's taking gloriously long naps from about 1:00 until 3:30 or 4:00 each day. Hallelujah! The only worry I have is that we plan to get rid of the pacifier in a few weeks. I'm afraid it's going to throw our little piece of heaven into a tizzy. Anyone have good pacifier removal tips? Jackson also loves to help around the house. He loves to help me take the dirty clothes to the laundry room and put them in the washer. He loves it so much that we usually have a tantrum when I try to get him to leave the laundry room. Jackson also likes to Dustbuster the floor, and he helped me with the trash the other night - even dragging it to the garage!

Jackson is definitely on the move lately. I picked him up at Parents Day Out one day and was getting ready to carry him to the car. One of his teachers asked me why I don't just let him walk, and I explained that I can't keep him close to me because he moves too fast. She commented that he does really well with them when they go from outdoor play or playing in the church sanctuary. He is usually the line leader and leads the kids from their room to the play area. And he doesn't bolt. Wow! Unfortunately, I can't get him to do that for me. And inside the house, he is a wild man too. His new favorite thing to do this week is throw the couch pillows on the floor and jump from the couch onto the pillows. He has no fear. But, thankfully, he has gained depth perception. He no longer looks clueless when he's up high and ready to step off. The difference is that now he knows how high it is but wants to jump off it for the thrill. We went to a playground last week and he wasn't as bad as I expected, and pretty good about jumping off things and landing on both feet. He continually amazes me in his ability to survive these daredevil feats unscathed.

Now, on to our Katie. Oh, she's a firecracker. I am dreading the day when the two kids realize they can join forces and conquer me. Because I know it will happen. They are both so strong-willed and almost kill me separately. But add them together? Be. Very. Afraid.

The good news is that Katie is usually pretty concerned about pleasing us. The times she gets into trouble are for things she doesn't think through first. (Of course, that's typical for a five-year-old.) On Tuesday we went for a walk together and there was an elderly woman slowly creeping down her driveway to her mailbox. When we were about ten feet away, Katie said (in an old lady voice), "Oh, look at me. I can't walk." "WHAT did you say?!" I hissed back at her. She was fearful and immediately tried to say she was talking about herself because she knew it was wrong. But I told her I knew what she was doing, and we don't make fun of other people. She was immediately remorseful and said, "I wish I hadn't said that." I told her it was too late, and she lost all 12 marbles from her marble jar (she was only 8 away from a big treat). It was a rough lesson for her.

Usually, Katie is eager to please and loves to cuddle and read books together. She and Dan have lots of special time together. She acts like anything he does is a total blast, even mopping. She is a one-woman art show, and can spend hours writing in her notebooks and cutting and pasting creations at the kitchen table. The sheer volume of her artwork is mesmerizing. She is reading on her own now, and writing very well. Of course she still can't spell everything correctly, but she writes exactly like the words sound and it's easy to figure out what she's trying to communicate. This afternoon she practiced drawing flowers and wrote, "All cinds uv flowrs" beside it. [Translation: all kinds of flowers.] She got a great third quarter report from her teacher, whose only complaint was that Katie is afraid to try something new if she has any possibility of failure. (My dad is in heaven, chuckling at the payback.) When we're in the car, Katie loves to get her dry erase board out and color. She also loves it when we are at a stoplight and I write some simple addition problems for her. Sometimes she spouts out math quizzes for me from the back seat, yelling things like, "How much is 20 plus 20?" I so enjoy watching her little mind make sense of the world.

Katie has a giving heart and loves to make presents for people. She wraps things up in paper and straps it closed with Scotch tape. We go through rolls of that stuff because she uses enough to shellac the thing closed. Right now there's a package sitting on the counter for Jackson. I have no idea what's inside. I think we'll find out on his birthday. Katie is really into board games (we played about 8 rounds of Guess Who this afternoon) and also LOVES the I Spy books. (But I already blogged about that here.) She is so independent these days: dressing herself, setting the table, showering, brushing and flossing her teeth on her own, and entertaining herself when needed. It's such a weird feeling to have been needed and consumed by her so deeply the last few years, and all of a sudden realize the need has shifted to someone else (Jackson) and she's off on her own, beginning to spread her wings.
When the going has gotten tough in the past, Dan and I have often mumbled to each other, "Be the wall." We believe that sometimes kids just need something to push up against to learn their boundaries, and the parents need to be the strong wall that kids keep throwing themselves against. I'm now realizing that Katie isn't pushing as much (yes, she's still pushing but not as much), but have I stopped being rigid? I don't think so... and I think it's time to lighten up. Not stop altogether, but just dial it down a few degrees.

The big picture in our family is this: we are happy, blessed, and love each other without a doubt. We're imperfect and learning the ropes together. But, thankfully, we forgive each other and keep trying day in and day out. And we talk about that forgiveness too, which I think is important. We have some great times together, and really do enjoy each other.