Being Real

Being Real. Sounds like The Velveteen Rabbit, doesn't it? Well, in a way, it kind of is. Let me ask you this: how deeply are you living your life? How widely? You've heard the saying, "an inch deep and a mile wide." Is that how your life is going? Or is it one inch by one inch?

I'd like to think my life is pretty deep and pretty wide. I wasn't always on this deep and wide course, but some major life changes put me on track pretty quickly. It started when I was 22 and my brother died. I was filled with regret and "what ifs." I learned that life isn't a guarantee, and that it's more important to focus on what you have than what you don't have. I learned that a "good" experience can easily turn into "bad" and vice versa, so it's the experience that matters and not the way I choose to label it. Mostly, I was confronted with mortality and the idea that I will leave this world one day. That got me thinking about what exactly I want to leave behind. And as a result, I probably think about death (especially my own) a lot more than most people I know. I don't mean I think about how or when, but I think about the after part a lot: what will happen to my loved ones after, and what will happen to me? And I think about the after part for those I love too; what will happen if they die before me?

That tangent does have a purpose, I promise. The purpose is this: I often think about how I want to live a Real life, and I think about how to become more Real. How do I deepen and widen , or narrow and focus, to continue becoming more Real?

"What is Real," you ask? I'm sure we all have different definitions. Let me tell you mine. To me, being Real is being alive versus simply living and doing your time. It means at least giving it a try. Real is living passionately, and being a lifelong learner. But most of all, Real is being the person God created you to be. That means finding your strengths (even outside of your comfort zone), your niche, your calling, and putting down roots there and making it a home. Have I always been Real? No, silly. And even right now I might not be, nor do I know if I will continue my days as a Real person. But there is one thing: I'm at least trying. I am actively living, seeking out others who are passionate about learning and growing and asking questions and agreeing to disagree. I am not stagnant (although that would be lovely some days). I'm on the move, feeding my soul with the things God places in my life. And, oh! The nutrition He's giving me these days is outstanding. The grub is rich, y'all.

Now don't go thinking I'm all high and mighty here. Not for one second! Because I have been known to be more righteous than right, and pretty often too. I admit it. But I will say this: I am deep and I am wide. ("Deep and wide, there's a fountain flowing deep and wide!" Those VBS days stuck with me!) Can you say the same? Are you living deeply and widely? If not, why not?

And do you want to come along with me and try it together?

I can't promise you anything but imperfection because there are times I just can't seem to get it right. I yell at my kids. I don't always wipe up spills immediately off the kitchen floor. I avoid ironing. I hate to cook and vacuum. I'd rather read or listen to music or make something crafty. I have gray hair and stretch marks and scars. But the things that are "right" about me? I love. Read that again: I love. That means I hurt too, but it means that I. Am. Real. I love and I also sing and I laugh and cry and smile. I take photos of all of the above, including the unpretty scars. Because it's all part of being Real.

The thing is? Lately I've been caught up in trying to justify myself, or justify the new changes that are taking hold in my life. Did God ever want that for me? No. No. No. Why am I so caught up in justification? Honestly! Who do I need to justify myself to? NoBODY. As long as I am deepening my relationship with God and actively pursuing the growth of the person He calls me to be, then there should be no other judgment. AND that means that I don't need to judge anyone else either.

Aaaahhh... deep breath now. Let me tell you what's really on my mind, what got me started on this "Reality." There's something I've been mulling over for a while. Something I would really, truly enjoy doing. Something my soul thirsts for, and it makes my cheeks flush just to think about it. Something others have done and I envy them for having the courage to do it. (And no, it isn't skydiving. Ugh, no!) But I'm afraid. Of what? Well... of having to justify my decision to others. Of appearing weak. Of admitting my shortcomings. Of not being Real. Or what if I take the plunge and it makes me more Real than I ever imagined? And what if I can't handle that much Real?

Oh, wow. Whew. Glad THAT'S out in the open! Sorry to be talking in code about all of this, but I'm just not ready to reveal these deep fears. At least not yet. I think I might be getting close to it, and I'll be more than willing to share it then.

For now, I'm going to make a pledge to myself to keep stepping out of my comfort zone. I know that if I just take one tiny step, God will lead me to the next one. I don't need to know the end result just yet, just the next step. And I pledge to (as my pastor said last Sunday) keep my eyes open and my heart soft. Pray for me, y'all. And as I said earlier, let me know if you want to come along with me and try being Real together!

"Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,/And the fear that I'll fail You in the end./In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces./I can't put this together but You can." from "Here I Am" by Downhere