Twenty Years

Their courtship was a little tumultuous. There were tears and breakups, then infatuation all over again. I watched her try to mend her heart over and over, and couldn’t understand why she kept going back to him if he kept breaking her heart. I was a teenager and didn’t quite get the concept of love, and how agony can coexist with ecstasy.

The day they got married, I was convinced he was going to break her heart again sometime down the road. I even went up to him and told him (in my most threatening 18-year-old girl’s voice) that I’d kill him if he broke her heart. Then we smiled and walked down the aisle, and I witnessed them make their marriage vows.

In the last twenty years, I’ve watched them grow and learn how to be a husband and wife and then a mother and father. Their marriage has actually become a model for my own in some ways. I have truly enjoyed watching them become new people together. Today, he has grown into someone I admire deeply. Imagine that! A man I thought would do nothing more than scar her heart has become someone whose advice I seek and who makes me laugh more than anyone I’ve ever known.

Twenty years ago today, my sister became a wife. I also gained a brother who has guided me and taught me so many things.

Happy anniversary, Mary and Wally! I am so proud to celebrate with you!

Jackson’s 5th Birthday

Jackson,

I’ll start this letter with the obligatory, “Oh, I just can’t believe you’ve grown so big. Where has the time gone?” phrase. I’ll even repeat the same thing I see daily on my friends’ Facebook status updates: “Five years ago, a sweet boy came into our lives and forever changed it. I can’t imagine our family without his spirit and joy for life. We love you, Jackson!”

And I do mean those things; I really do! You have changed our lives: mine, your dad’s and your sister’s. And I really can’t believe you’ve grown so big. And yet…

Here’s the honest-to-God truth: my son, you have taken my world and smashed it to smithereens. You have filled it with more love and pure frustration than I ever thought possible before March 28, 2007. Since that day, you’ve been teaching me innumerable lessons about things like inborn differences of boys and girls, the importance of impulse control on the human condition, and true potty humor. I have given you so many hairy eyeball looks in the last five years, it’s amazing I still have muscular function in my eyebrows. (No wonder those new wrinkles have become so furrowed in my forehead!)

You have pushed me to the extreme edge of myself and my sanity. From the moment you arrived home from the hospital, I have had a lack of sleep as well as a lack of understanding how a little boy’s mind works. Just when I think I have you figured out, you try some new tactic. In the recent past, your modus operandi was slapping your own face when you got frustrated. (Where in the heck did you learn that?!) But this month’s newest tactic is plugging your ears when I say something you don’t want to hear (time for bed, be nice to your friend, sit in time out, stop.repeating.that.question!).

Then, just when I’m at the end of my rope, you become this vulnerable, I-need-your-love-desperately little boy. You come to me with tenderness and regret, knowing you’ve pushed harder than you should have for your independence. It’s like you change your mind for a moment and want to come curl up into Mommy to make sure I’m still dependable and willing to accept you back. And that’s the honest-to-God second truth: I will always take you back. A morning with you might feel like Chinese water torture some days (drip, drip, drip), but I will never tire of being the one you run to for reassurance and kisses.

I won’t go as far as to say I’ll trade all the tantrums for the apologetic make-up hugs you give me at the end of them. However, I will admit how much I love your still small body as it clings to me in those few moments of your sweet hugs. I also love the way you sit beside me at the dinner table, with one leg cocked perpendicular to your body so you can always have bodily contact with me. Your little foot hooks under my knee, because you are so much my boy that you can’t stand being separated from me for even a short meal.

Now could you just sit still for longer than ten seconds at a time? I read once that a boy is “noise with dirt on it.” I’d take it one step further and say a boy is a noisy blur with dirt on it. You are up-down-up-down-run-jump-couch dive-spin-up-down-smack-run-bike-up-down-yell-collapse. That’s your day, condensed into 18 words.

I worry so much about you already: what will your Kindergarten teacher think of us when you start school in the fall? Will you ever learn how to settle down and LISTEN, so you can become a productive, civilized member of society? Will you become a leader or just a rebel? And will you ever be able to stifle that streak of independence, and depend on the One who always takes you back? Will you learn to surrender when He calls you to?

Oh, Jackson. You fill me with pride and fear, worry and joy. I love you, and then I’m so aware of how broken that love is. You have magnified my imperfections in a way I never expected, yet you and your sister have been the ones to model God’s love for His children in beautifully painful ways.

Thank you for that, and for changing me even when I don’t want to change anyMORE! I am crazy for you, because you literally drive me crazy. But at the end of the day, I wouldn’t have it any other way. These are the days I’ll look back on and laugh, knowing how my noisy blur of a boy helped me become more me as I helped him become a man.

I love you, darn stinker!

Parents Weekend at Church

Dan and I were invited to attend Katie’s class at church at the beginning of February. We have been in her classroom before, but it was for a weekend called Salvation Weekend, when the kids have one-on-one conversations about Jesus’ personal sacrifice for them. This time, Parents Weekend was just a chance to sit in on a normal weekend and watch what the kids learn and how the teachers do it.

First, the kids started with something called Hang Time. They hang out together and do things like crafts (mostly the girls do this), play air hockey or foosball, or play a board game or a video game. When hang time finishes (after about 10 minutes), the kids go into a room together and have large group worship time. A worship leader sings songs while a team of kids (called Live Out Loud kids) act as her backup singers. When worship finished, the large group leader welcomed the parents and then invited us to play Human Whack-a-Mole. Oh, boy!

First, the kids got under a board with holes in it. The parents were given inflatable hammers, and got to whack the kids as they popped their heads through the holes. And THEN the fun started: the parents got under the board and the kids got to whack them! It was really fun and funny.

After the game, we had a large group lesson. The weekend lesson was about friendships, and the leader talked about how surrounding ourselves with good friends can change our lives. The kids broke into groups of three and played a game where one person was blindfolded and the other two were supposed to navigate her through an obstacle course. One kid gave bad directions, and the other gave good directions. When the game was over, we talked about how quickly the blindfolded kid could tell what was good advice and what was bad advice, then about how we trust friends in our lives.

The kids got in their regular small groups (the same ones they meet with each week), and talked to their small group leaders about the lesson, what the Bible tells us about friendships, and ideas for how the kids can find trustworthy, Godly friends.

With the last 10 minutes of class, the kids were able to visit stations set up around the room. There was a journaling station, where kids could write about problems going on in their lives. There was a singing station, where the worship leader discussed the day’s worship song lyrics with the kids and then sang them again. There was an art station, where kids could use paint to express their feelings about God. There was also a prayer wall, where kids wrote their prayer requests on notecards and posted them on a wall. At the end of class, the classroom prayer team (which is a group of kids too!) takes the anonymous notecards home and prays over them throughout the week.

It was really interesting to be a part of Katie’s class and to see how our church breaks down some pretty big theological concepts for the kids to understand – and they laugh their heads off and have a blast at the same time.

Holy Yoga

My friend Jill is one of only two certified Holy Yoga instructors in the St. Louis area. At Christmas, she suggested the gift of Holy Yoga for friends as a way to celebrate Christmas in an Advent-Conspiracy-sort-of-way. I loved the idea, but knew I couldn’t get my act together and host a Holy Yoga retreat in the midst of the December rush (plus job interviews, recovering from surgery, etc.). So for my birthday this year, I decided to give a gift instead of receiving one. (But it’s actually one in the same, isn’t it?)

I invited some friends to celebrate with me by opening their hearts in a new way: worshiping our King with prayer, meditation and Holy Yoga. My friends showed up, wrapped me with dozens of hugs, then we settled ourselves onto our yoga mats and spent some time talking. I asked each woman to introduce herself and explain how we know each other, and it unexpectedly turned into an outpouring of love. The words my sweet friends said over me were such a blessing. When the introductions first started, my initial reaction was to play demure and all, “Oh, hush… you are so sweet!” And then I felt the Spirit stirring in my soul, telling me to just quiet the heck down and listen to the gift of words my friends were giving me. So I did, and I soaked it in, and I was blessed.

Jill started by explaining Holy Yoga: it is an experiential worship created to deepen people's connection to Christ. It isn’t your traditional yoga. Poses are used to worship Christ in our lives, and the names of the poses (postures) are named as a reflection of His glory. The Holy Yoga website says, “We do this by integrating His Word, prayer, worship and the physical practice of yoga to contemporary and Christian music.”

Then we started our class, which lasted about an hour. It was dark and quiet and peaceful, with lots of focused breathing and prayer. It was such a great break from the world, and we ended the session with some desserts and girl talk. As my friends left, I gave each one a rock that I hand-decorated with a word and a scripture reference.

It was really a wonderful birthday gift to myself and some dear friends, and I am so glad Jill offered herself in praise of our God!

Kindergarten Registration

Can you smell it? Change is in the air. My personal theme for 2012 seems to be CHANGE. Sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes it’s necessary. Sometimes it’s been a long time coming. And, sometimes, it’s bittersweet.

These are my two, hanging out in the elementary school lobby (playing their vintage Gameboys) while I registered Jackson to start Kindergarten this fall. Yep… already. And on other days, I say “Not soon enough!” Because life is just learning to balance contrariness.

My New Job

These are the images I don’t want to forget from my first day on the job.

Father, I pray I never forget what an honor it is to work for you and with you. Amen!

My Last Sunday Off

Y’all know I started a new job at the end of January. I work at my church now, which means I work on Sundays. Before I started working, Dan and I decided to take the kids out on my last Sunday off, and have some fun in St. Louis.

We chose the Science Center, because we haven’t been in a while – AND it’s free! We knew the moment the kids stepped in the doors, they would have a blast. There’s this contraption all through the lobby that has chutes and levers and conveyor belts to transport balls throughout the structure. It’s fun to stand in the middle of the lobby and watch the balls roll throughout the three-story ramps.

Then we walked into the Science Center and Jackson saw this:

Yep! It’s life-size Tyrannosaurus Rex! Here’s a better photo to express the dinosaur’s size. The look on Jackson’s face when he first saw it was one of incredulous awe.

We moved through the rest of the museum, checking out displays about earthquakes and tornadoes, fossils and planets. The kids learned about the catenary curve (i.e., the St. Louis Arch) and used a robotic back hoe. They pointed radar guns at cars on the highway outside, and we also weighed Katie to figure out how much it would cost to ship her into space (based on weight).

We also saw a movie in the Imax theater called Space Junk. It was all about satellites and junk falling apart in space, and creating hazards for any sort of new satellites we might launch, not to mention danger to our planet. Katie is a little bit of a science nerd, so she liked the movie a lot. When the museum closed, we decided to drive to another St. Louis landmark and have dinner and dessert. Here’s a clue to where we went:

Anyone want to guess? It’s been featured on Man vs. Food, and is a must-visit for tourists (and locals, too!). Here’s another hint:

If you guessed Crown Candy Kitchen, you are correct! We had hot dogs and split a BLT, making sure to save room for dessert: HUGE ice cream sundaes! It was the kids’ first time to visit Crown Candy, so we had to splurge of course.

What a fun day together, and a great way to celebrate a new beginning in our family’s life.

(Yes, I know it’s the blurriest, worst iPhone family photo ever! The owner of Crown Candy is known for his treats, not his photography.)

Let Me Clarify

Before we go any further, apparently some clarification is necessary after my last post. Feel free to go read it so you don't feel like you're missing something. Yes, I'll wait. Go on...

Okay, now that you know what I'm talking about... or what I am NOT talking about! So let's clarify it a bit and fill in the holes.

First up, NO, there was not any sort of cheating or lying or badness in my marriage. That is not what that post was referring to. (Somehow, some friends thought I was alluding to that.) And, yes, I am still a Christ follower. And I am still employed at my new job. And, yes, unfortunately, I am still an idiot. Now let me explain.

If you know anything about me in real life (or even by just reading my blog), you know I am, well... let's be honest here: I am a computer addict. My personal laptop was a Christmas gift in 2009. I was so happy to own it that I even gave it a name. I started relying on my computer - literally - as half of my brain. I do everything on the computer. I have my grocery list on the computer. (It is organized in sections that correlate to my local grocery store, so I can get shop! efficiently!) I have all my genealogy research on the computer. I have emails dating back years, including the last ones my dead brother, mother and father sent me. I have Christmas gift lists (given and received) dated from the year I got married to the present. Over 3,000 songs in my music library, recipes, a list of every book I've read, financial records, an Excel spreadsheet full of amazing quotes I've come across, and the start of a book I'm writing. Microsoft Outlook does the thinking for me when it comes to birthdays and anniversaries and planning my calendar out for the entire next year. Outlook also stores every single address for long-lost relatives and fellow White Castle Hall of Famers, as well as notes and the emails I mentioned above.

I wrote that entire preceding paragraph as if it were still present-tense. However, that is not the case. Five days before I wrote my last post, I lost E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G on my computer. For someone who treats her computer as an extension of her very own body, here's where the idiot mistake comes in: I did NOT back it up.

Let me stop here and expound for a moment: I am sure some of you reading this blog are now thinking, "Dude, whatever! You are a pansy, Elizabeth!" You think losing computer data is really no big deal. It's just information and ones and zeroes, right? Technically, yes. But for me, it's much more than that. And here's why I wrote this in my last post: "The mistake colored my faith, my marriage, my confidence, my everything this week."


Losing my computer colored my faith because it hit me right between the eyes how very much worth I put in a stupid piece of electronics. Since I am being brutally honest, I must admit that my computer has become an idol for me. Not an Idol with a big "I" (because I truly don't feel like I put it before Christ), but it's definitely an idol with a little "i." That's a hard thing to admit, and I'm ashamed to say my computer has been a higher priority sometimes than my husband, my children, my health, and my personal joy. Some days I spend more time with it than I do with those I love. Typing that sentence humiliates me and fills me with regret. When did I stop using the computer as a tool and start letting it become my brain?

Losing my computer also colored my marriage. I was so horrified by everything I lost on my computer that I was out of my mind and lashed out at Dan. He was having his own struggles and lashed back. It made for a dark fight, the kind we haven't had in years. It's hard to find your footing after that, but we extended grace and forgiveness to each other and are moving forward.

Losing my computer shook my confidence. In the midst of a hard month when I am trying to find my balance with my old job (being a mom) and my new job (administrative assistant) and learning to solidify boundaries and redefine my routines and my life, I lost one of the major tools that keeps me grounded. Remember how I talked about my Outlook calendar being responsible for dates and reminders? I rely on it to tell me when bills are due, and then I log in to a company website to pay said bills. But when I have no idea what bills are due when, much less WHAT password to use to log in (because the passwords were lost too!), it makes the world a little wobbly. You how some days you have a feeling that you're forgetting something, and how you feel "off" all day? Imagine me feeling that way since February 8, the day I handed my computer over to be fixed. And throw in a new job and Jackson's new school and new routines, and now you have a small idea of why losing my computer was a big deal.

So, enough with the justification and explanation. Here are the silver linings of the situation:

1) I didn't lose my photos. Since I take so darn many, I started storing them on an external drive a year or two ago. Thank God I didn't lose those!

2) Last October, I made another bonehead mistake that has actually turned out to be a blessing. I was trying to backup files on an external drive but accidentally deleted them instead. I bought software and was able to recover the files onto that external drive, then copy them onto my laptop again. All I have left now is whatever was on that external drive that was last updated six months ago. It doesn't include Outlook contacts, notes, emails or my calendar, but at least it's something. The bad news is that I lost six months of work, but the good news is that I still have a place to start. Silver lining: when you make a mistake, sometimes it turns out to be a GREAT thing.

3) No one stole my computer, which is a blessing. I kept financial information on there which, if stolen, could have ruined my credit and identity. I'm glad it was "just" a crash and not a theft.


4) I have gained perspective on life. In the grand scheme of things, losing a computer pales in comparison to the other life losses I've endured. To be honest, that's one of the reasons I cried the most when I realized I lost all of my data: it hit me that I lost my parents' and brother's emails and information too. When someone you love dies, you hang on to every last fiber and scrap that used to be them because you know there will never be anything new made by them again. It hurts to lose something that was a part of them, even if it was just an email. But I do know this: even if I have their emails, it doesn't make them any less dead. Clutching at their scraps won't bring them back, but no data loss will erase them from my brain either.

5) I am thanking God for this blog. It's a record of my life (and my kids' and husband's life) that exists outside of my laptop, and it is still alive even when the computer is not. I am especially glad that I still have this post that I wrote a year ago. It contains my father's last writings to me.

Looking forward, I will protect my laptop. I will invest in cloud storage and backup my data regularly. (I highly recommend you do the same.) Another thing I'm pondering is the use of some sort of cloud organizer instead of Microsoft Outlook. I've considered it in the past, but didn't want to go through the work of uploading all my contacts and calendar to another destination. Now that I am starting all over from scratch, I think maybe it's a good time to try it!

And to sum it all up, I go back to that image I used in my last post: "View your life with kindsight. Stop beating yourself up about things from your past. Instead of slapping your forehead and asking: 'What was I thinking?' Breathe and ask the kinder question: 'What was I learning?'"

Oh NO

This past week was a really really hard one. I am tired, embarrassed, and humbled. But as I write this tonight, I can see the big picture and acknowledge truths about the place I'm in at this exact moment.

That doesn't mean I haven't spent many moments of this past week (mostly starting at noon on Wednesday) hitting myself upside the head countless times. I made a truly IDIOTIC mistake, which I will go into here eventually. Not that there is ever a good time to make an idiotic mistake, but this week was especially bad. The mistake colored my faith, my marriage, my confidence, my everything this week.

And then I came across this tonight:

It's a reminder that I (yes, even I!) am human and I screw up. And although it's painful (and this particular mistake will haunt me for quite some time), I am going to give myself some grace and LEARN from this.

Boy, howdy! Yes, there is some major learning going on here. Ouch.

Adjusting and Stretching

I am still here, still breathing, still living! I haven't blogged because of a few reasons. First, my computer still isn't being cooperative. It needs a checkup, so my friend is working on it. I might not have it back for a week, so you'll just have to give me a moment and be patient until I get it back and can go into more detail about life.

The other reason is, of course, my new job. I'm still adjusting to the new routine and trying to keep boundaries between work and home, but it's a good adjustment. The first week had its share of worries as I realized how big of a change I was actually facing, then questioned my ability to handle the change. But since then I've been digging in and learning SO much.

I had a conversation with one of the musicians at work/church today. He asked how the job is going, and I told him I feel God has brought me full circle. I remember the first time I ever talked to someone at church - it happened to be him, after he played a meaningful song on one of my first visits there - and how he sang that same song the first weekend after I became a staff member (just two weekends ago). It's so beautiful to be in the midst of a moment when I know God is changing me, and to be able to see the change as it's happening. Mostly, it's beautiful to fully open my hands to Him and defer to His direction for me.

In the last few weeks as I adjust to these changes, I have felt God's calming presence standing beside me. I know without a doubt that He is using this transition period in my life to grow me and stretch me. I trust Him completely, even in the moments when my confidence is shaky. He is becoming my confidence instead!

Who God Says I Am

The end of 2011 brought lots of self doubt to my mind. November was the month I applied for a job – the first time I have done that since 2003. It was also the month of my foot surgery, which threw me for a loop physically. I became much more dependent on people than I normally am, and it forced me to slow down through the month of December. I also had interviews for the job I applied for, and Satan used my self-doubt to speak some really loud and ugly lies into my head. It’s almost February and I am still trying to get him to JUST. SHUT. UP.

January is my birth month, so I decided to go back to the basics and counterattack Satan’s insidious ways. I wanted to spend my birth month with the focus on who God says I am, not the lies Satan whispers in my head. I scoured my Bible for all the truths God has spoken to His beloved for millennia. I spent each day of January with one truth in mind. I updated my Facebook status with that truth. I also texted it to a group of people I’m blessed to encourage.

Finally, I used those Scriptures to create word art so I never forget who God says I am.

As I fell asleep last night, on my 38th birthday, I was hanging on the edge of anxiety again. Desperately, I started calling out truths in my head, and the anxiety subsided. It doesn’t happen easily; I had to *literally* force myself to turn away from the lies and focus on these words. Satan’s lies are powerful, but God’s truth is even stronger.

My prayer is this: on the days when you feel unlovable and ugly and you doubt why anyone would want you… those days when you feel like a failure as a mom or a wife… the days when you can’t get your finances in order and your checkbook just won’t balance… the days when your past slinks up beside you and reminds you of people who have hated you or laughed at you… the days when your friends have stopped calling or are too busy to notice you… the days when someone does something horrible to you and takes advantage of you… or the nights when you can’t sleep because you don’t know what tomorrow brings and you’re afraid of really screwing up…

On those days? Come back to these truths. Read them out loud if you have to, no matter how silly you feel doing so. Remind yourself that your worth does NOT lie in your friends or your finances or your marriage or your past. You are worthy of being loved just because of His love for you. Above all else, you are His. Never forget.

Finally

About two years ago,  I started getting this little longing in my heart. I squashed it for a bit, sure that it was totally unattainable and never going to happen. But it didn’t go away. I decided to let it settle in and burrow into my heart. Eventually, I let it become a dream.

I prayed over that little dream, and those prayers became the water and sunlight my dream needed to take root. The longing-turned-dream quickly became a plan I worked out in my heart. I became a little more courageous, and shared the dream with Dan and a close friend. When they didn’t scoff at my dream, I got a little more confidence and realized the dream might one day become a reality.

So I started telling God exactly how I wanted that dream to take shape. In short, I stopped praying and started demanding. All of a sudden my dream was a great idea, and I had the timing all worked out so God could make my dream come true. Then I felt Him pulling the reins a bit, tugging me back and settling me down. “Woah, horsey!” I realized He wasn’t killing my dream; He was simply tempering my passion until it aligned with His purpose.

And finally, today, that purpose and passion are being united. I am starting a new job, working at my church. It’s a longing that has become reality. I feel so humbled – and overwhelmed at the same time – to see how God has taken that little longing and used it to change my life.

I could write a never-ending paragraph full of one-word sentences describing the mix of emotions I feel: excited. Scared. Amazed. Self conscious. Unsure. Awed. But none of those solitary words come close to crystallizing what I am feeling. The only one that slightly does it justice is this:

LOVED.

The fact that God loves me enough to listen to my longings (which I know He placed in my heart to begin with!), soothe my fears, redeem my unworthiness, and make me someone who can be useful in His kingdom… WOW. How do I respond to something like that?

You, my Father, are a prize worthy of every struggle and loss I’ve ever endured. Your love is soothing and tender and covers my insecurities. I think back on all those years I spent not knowing about this kind of love, and wish I hadn’t been such a fool to waste Your precious light. Yet, I know those years were not without purpose. You used them to bring me back home to You. Thank You for pursuing me, for never giving up on me, and for wanting to dance with me. Stay beside me, walk close to me, lead me! …as I start this new chapter of my life. Show me how to worship You in new ways. It’s all for You, Jesus. You  make me worthy and lovable and usable. Thank You for making FINALLY happen.

“It’s amazing in the blink of an eye, you finally see the light.” (Aerosmith, “Amazing”)

On My Mind

I sat down at least three times in the last few days, intending to write and simply catch my blog up on life in our house. For some reason, I don’t know where to start so I just don’t start at all. That’s silly, because it means I might miss the life that takes place every day. So, I’m just gonna start writing and see where it takes me. Here are the things on my mind.

First, my computer is making blogging hard for me lately. I think my memory is getting full, and the computer is slow to respond. I think it’s time for a routine checkup. Ugh.

I decided not to have a new year resolution this year. Instead, I have a goal of taking twelve photos (one a month) that will push me to try new techniques. One of the first tasks on my Photography Bucket List is to take a photo of a snowflake. I was inspired by this post on Candelions that I read last year. When it snowed here a week ago, I had my first attempt at a snowflake photo. I learned a few things and want to try again for a better photo, but so far this isn’t too bad:

These are snowflakes that fell on my car’s bumper. Next time, I have a better plan in mind.

In December each year, my cousin sends a potted amaryllis to me and my sister. It’s something our mom used to do for us, and our cousin has assumed the responsibility of doing it now. My amaryllis has bloomed twice already. I got out my new macro lens filter (isn’t it pretty?)…

…and tried some close up photos of the amaryllis. The white flower looked lovely in the afternoon light.

I also got close to a droplet I spied after watering the plant. It looked like a glass marble to me.

When I bought my first digital SLR camera, I had no idea how much photography would speak to my soul. It still makes me laugh that I can take 37 photos of the same exact water droplet, and get such joy in it.

This next photo gives me lots of joy too. I found this scrap of paper in Katie’s backpack, and it makes me laugh to read it again. It says:

The Secret Snow Day Ceremony:
1. Put your pj's on backward.
2. Put white socks on your hands.
3. Wave your socky hands up high and chant: "Snow, snow do not stop. Pretty please with whip cream on top."
4. Throw your pillow and try to catch it with your head 3 times.
5. Go to sleep upside down.

I love watching Katie’s imagination and pure innocence take shape. When I asked her about the scrap of paper, she said she read about the ceremony in a book. I haven’t caught her doing a “socky hand chant” yet, but you better believe I’m going to try and videotape it if I do!

There are a few other things rolling around in my head, but they’re going to have to wait until I can dedicate an entire blog post to them. Big changes are on the way… and they deserve a devoted post! Let’s hope I can find time to do it right. But for now, it’s late and I have a DANuary commitment to uphold. Good night!

Doubting Myself

Fantastic news (that I can’t yet share publicly) has brought incredible joy AND FEAR to the last 24 hours. I am so very afraid, and full of doubts about myself and my abilities to perform and be valuable. I could hardly fall asleep last night, trying to work through the logistics in my head. Today, I have spent literally every other minute questioning and wondering and doubting some more.

I am in a constant fight to STOP listening to the voice in my head. Notice I said “stop listening,” not silence. There’s a reason why: I know that voice isn’t going to shut up anytime soon. Call it insecurity or Satan (aren’t they one in the same anyway?), but it’s on continual replay. My job – and my prayer – is to stop listening to it and turn my attention on the One who makes me who I am.

Jesus. I am calling on Him today, saying his name out loud and asking for His protection. And I know for a fact He hears me.

At the breakfast table, I picked up the Our Daily Bread devotional booklet and the day’s reading is about what kind of skill set we bring to the jobs in our lives. This quote was written specifically for me, specifically for TODAY: “If God has something He wants to accomplish and that you feel He is calling you to do, He will provide what you need to complete the task.” (Cindy Hess Kasper)

Trust that, Elizabeth. Know that He is providing for you even when you think you’re at a dead end. You are more than enough, child, because you don’t accomplish anything on your own. When you fall short, He makes the payment for you. Always, ALWAYS. Rejoice in that, rejoice in new beginnings, and trust His will for your life.

Laura’s Wedding

My friend from church, Laura, got married on New Year’s Eve. She asked me to photograph the wedding and I agreed. Sometimes I question my own judgment, especially when I take on something as momentous as a wedding. I stressed a lot leading up to it, bought a new piece of gear to try and assure success, then prayed before it started and left it in God’s hands.

God was good to me and I was blessed to have Dan as my second shooter. Yippee! Here are some of my favorite photos from the night. Yes, I know there are a lot of diamond ring photos, but I couldn’t get over how gorgeous her ring is!

The bride and groom met on a church mission trip to Russian. This nesting doll with the ring on her head is a nod to that.

I loved Laura’s deep red roses.

They were a beautiful contrast to her white dress and the bridesmaids’ black dresses.

Laura and her husband also have a passion for motorcycles. Like the mini wheel I used under the rings?

This mustache is a sort of inside joke from the team we work on together at our church. I HAD to bring it for Laura to use at her wedding!

The church has beautiful windows and architecture. Laura’s silhouette was perfectly framed.

The sanctuary was stunning with the stained glass windows and Christmas decorations.

My wonderful second shooter captured this from the balcony.

The bride and groom were glowing.

I love a bride and groom who will put on their motorcycle gear for a photo!

Yummy cookies after the wedding! A sweet ending…

DANuary

The month of Danuary has returned to our house! And, no, that isn’t a typo. It’s really Danuary with a “D” because it’s a month I like to devote to my husband Dan.

As best as I can recollect, this was an idea I started for our anniversary in December 2008. I have always tried to be creative with the anniversary gifts I select for Dan, but it’s hard for two reasons: 1) He’s a guy and guys don’t get typical gifts like diamond anniversary bands, and 2) Our anniversary is two days before Christmas, for Pete’s sake!

In the past, Dan has given me a one-size-fits-all anniversary gift idea. He said I should just buy some lingerie and, well… you know. (This IS a family blog, y’all!) So in 2008, my brilliant idea was to give him thirty days of, well… you know. (I’ve never discussed this on the blog, and probably never will again. But it DOES serve a purpose right now, besides embarrassing my sweet husband.)

We quickly dubbed the thirty days “Danuary,” since it would encompass the month following our anniversary. It stuck, and has become a repeat present four years in a row.

HALT! Before you go getting all “ewww” and all “THIRTY days for FOUR years in a row?!!!”, let me explain. The original Danuary was wonderful and all (that’s the only detail I will ever publish), but we learned a lesson from it the following year: sometimes spontaneous is better. Our goal for 2009 was two weeks, but it didn’t go as well as the first year.

In 2010, I changed it up a bit. I had gotten a laptop and was becoming more attached to it than I was to Dan in the evenings. I would (and often still do) stay up after he went to bed, surfing the Internets and wasting time while the man I loved went to bed alone. For a girl who once looked forward to marriage simply so I could have someone to sleep beside, this routine needed to change. So for our anniversary in December 2010, I promised to spend Danuary 2011 unplugged. That was defined as: 1) Not using the computer when Dan was home (evenings and weekends), and 2) Go to bed when Dan did. It was a hard – but wonderful! – month; hard to get my computer work done when he wasn’t home, but a wonderful way to spend Danuary and to honor our marriage with a sweet anniversary gift.

With all that explanation out of the way, I know you’re wondering what the anniversary gift was this past December. And now I’ll tell you!

Dan and I went to dinner at our new favorite restaurant (The Tavern Kitchen and Bar – if you live in St. Louis, you should GO!), and I gave him three gifts.

The first was a three ring binder, with all the ticket stubs we’ve collected over the years organized into chronological order. I love having a visual reminder of so many fun times we’ve shared. It’s also cool to see the ticket stubs where we started doing things with our kids.

The first ticket in the binder is from the second concert I ever attended: Aerosmith in 1988. Yes, I know this ticket wasn’t from an event I attended WITH Dan. But it’s still part of the fabric of our lives, so every ticket stub I found was included in the binder. (And, yes, those are the ticket stubs from when I saw Rain Man, The Land Before Time, and Dream Team. Ha!)

The second gift I gave him was a book. It’s called Night Light, and it’s a devotional for couples to read together (written by a couple too). I started reading it out loud to Dan at bedtime this week, and it’s been nice to make time for each other. Of course, this means I have to go to bed when he does, so that’s the second part of Danuary.

The last gift I gave him was one I wanted to write about in this post about voice recordings, but couldn’t spoil the surprise for Dan. Now that he’s received it, I can spill the beans! I recorded the entire month of January from Jesus Calling for him on a cassette. I recited each day’s devotion into my cheapo cassette recorder, and personalized it by adding Dan’s name to whatever Jesus is saying to him that day. This gift is a way for Dan to commune with Jesus, as well as hear my voice to encourage him each morning while he commutes to work.

You know our family is 100% invested in the Advent Conspiracy movement, but it’s so much more than a Christmas thing for me. Changing how we do Christmas (especially the gift-giving) has changed how I look at gifts the rest of the year. I want to give gifts of presenCE, even for my anniversary. I hope this inspires you to do something similar. And I hope each of you have a wonderful and blessed DANuary too!

P.S. Feel free to change it up a bit. A friend of mine, whose husband is named Larry, gave the gift of FebruLARRY one year. I’ve also heard of MARKch from another friend. Let me know if you come up with your own!

Looking Back

It’s impossible for me to start a new year without taking a moment to pause and look back at the path that got me here. In planning for the coming year at Six Golden Coins, I have taken a look back at the changes that I’ve chronicled through this blog. I want to show you a visual representation of those changes.

First, we started the blog with this header in 2008:

This was the header I used through part of 2009 and 2010:

You will recognize this header because it’s the one I used up until today:

And, ta-da! Here’s the new header for 2012: 

Since 2005, I’ve started the new year by selecting a verse from scripture. I use that verse to mediate on and guide me throughout the year. Here are the verses from the past years. I underlined the parts that I worked to inscribe on my heart that year.

• 2005: “God does all these things to a man—twice, even three times— to turn back his soul from the pit, that the light of life may shine on him. Pay attention, Job, and listen to me; be silent, and I will speak. If you have anything to say, answer me; speak up, for I want you to be cleared. But if not, then listen to me; be silent, and I will teach you wisdom.” (Job 33:29-33)
• 2006: “Look at the fig tree and all the trees. When they sprout leaves, you can see for yourselves and know that summer is near. Even so, when you see these things happening, you know that the kingdom of God is near. I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.”
• 2007: “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!” (Job 19:25-27)
• 2008: “The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need. He lets me rest in fields of green grass and leads me to quiet pools of fresh water. He gives me new strength. He guides me in the right paths, as he has promised. Even if I go through the deepest darkness, I will not be afraid, Lord, for you are with me. Your shepherd’s rod and staff protect me. You prepare a banquet for me, where all my enemies can see me; you welcome me as an honored guest and fill my cup to the brim. I know that your goodness and love will be with me all my life; and your house will be my home as long as I live.” (Psalm 23:1, GNT)
• 2009: “The Lord’s unfailing love and mercy still continue. Fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise.” (Lamentations 3:22-23)
• 2010: “On your feet now - applaud God! Bring a gift of laughter, sing yourselves into his presence. Know this: God is God, and God, God. He made us; we didn't make him. We're his people, his well-tended sheep. Enter with the password: ‘Thank you!’ Make yourselves at home, talking praise. Thank him. Worship him. For God is sheer beauty, all-generous in love, loyal always and ever.” (Psalm 100:1-5, MSG)
• 2011: “He existed before everything and holds everything together.” (Colossians 1:17)

In selecting my verse for 2012, I wasn’t sure where to start. In years past, it’s been a crap shoot on how I select a verse. In 2005, I challenged God to speak directly to me and flipped through the Bible with my eyes closed. Whatever verse my finger landed on was the verse I knew He wanted me to hold dear that year. I had just completed 2004, the year my mother died, and knew that 2005 might bring my father’s death as well. When my finger fell on Job 33, I knew God was telling me that it wouldn’t be long until Dad died. But I also knew God was telling me He would stay beside me, and His light would shine even when the darkness of grief descended on me. He was faithful, and 2005 was a dark year – full of Light.

This year, I didn’t do the crap shoot of sticking my finger randomly in the Bible. Instead, I went through a list of verses I’ve been texting daily to a group of people, and found 2 Corinthians 5:7. It says, “For we live by faith, not by sight.” After seeing the miracles of baptism that happened in my family’s lives this past year, I felt like this verse was a good guide for 2012. I included it on my blog header, and I am praying God will whisper it to me throughout the year.

When the highs and lows and dark days happen in 2012, I pray He will remind me to live by what my heart believes and not by what my eyes see.

I would *love* for you to take a moment and leave a comment for me. Please tell me what Scripture speaks directly to you and why. Is it a verse that might guide you this year, or one that has guided you in years past? Thanks for sharing it with me.