Finally

About two years ago,  I started getting this little longing in my heart. I squashed it for a bit, sure that it was totally unattainable and never going to happen. But it didn’t go away. I decided to let it settle in and burrow into my heart. Eventually, I let it become a dream.

I prayed over that little dream, and those prayers became the water and sunlight my dream needed to take root. The longing-turned-dream quickly became a plan I worked out in my heart. I became a little more courageous, and shared the dream with Dan and a close friend. When they didn’t scoff at my dream, I got a little more confidence and realized the dream might one day become a reality.

So I started telling God exactly how I wanted that dream to take shape. In short, I stopped praying and started demanding. All of a sudden my dream was a great idea, and I had the timing all worked out so God could make my dream come true. Then I felt Him pulling the reins a bit, tugging me back and settling me down. “Woah, horsey!” I realized He wasn’t killing my dream; He was simply tempering my passion until it aligned with His purpose.

And finally, today, that purpose and passion are being united. I am starting a new job, working at my church. It’s a longing that has become reality. I feel so humbled – and overwhelmed at the same time – to see how God has taken that little longing and used it to change my life.

I could write a never-ending paragraph full of one-word sentences describing the mix of emotions I feel: excited. Scared. Amazed. Self conscious. Unsure. Awed. But none of those solitary words come close to crystallizing what I am feeling. The only one that slightly does it justice is this:

LOVED.

The fact that God loves me enough to listen to my longings (which I know He placed in my heart to begin with!), soothe my fears, redeem my unworthiness, and make me someone who can be useful in His kingdom… WOW. How do I respond to something like that?

You, my Father, are a prize worthy of every struggle and loss I’ve ever endured. Your love is soothing and tender and covers my insecurities. I think back on all those years I spent not knowing about this kind of love, and wish I hadn’t been such a fool to waste Your precious light. Yet, I know those years were not without purpose. You used them to bring me back home to You. Thank You for pursuing me, for never giving up on me, and for wanting to dance with me. Stay beside me, walk close to me, lead me! …as I start this new chapter of my life. Show me how to worship You in new ways. It’s all for You, Jesus. You  make me worthy and lovable and usable. Thank You for making FINALLY happen.

“It’s amazing in the blink of an eye, you finally see the light.” (Aerosmith, “Amazing”)