I was president of my mom’s group a few years ago. Every month, our newsletter included a President’s Greeting. It was usually a cheery preview of the month’s upcoming activities. Since I’m not very good at cheery previews, I used the space to write my own personal thoughts on motherhood. I am including these on my blog for my children to read one day.
December 2006: I have a confession to make. I am terrified to have a second child. Well, the terror is tempered with excitement, but I am kinda scared. Just when things are going so well with Katie, what am I doing upsetting the apple cart?!
I know those of you with more than one kid probably think this is funny. And if you have more than two kids, it’s probably hysterical. But I guess I kind of pride myself on getting things squared away in our household, getting Katie to a manageable level of independence, and kind of getting a feeling of control back in my life. And yet I’m going to go flush it all down the drain! And this time I don’t even have the excuse of blissful ignorance – I know what I’m getting myself in to, which is the one thing I didn’t know when I was pregnant with Katie. That sounds to me like the definition of insanity – you keep repeating the same crazy action, expecting a different outcome. And when I think about reliving the first 4 months of Katie’s life… oh, God! How am I going to do that with an almost-four-year-old?! What was I thinking?
But I also know this time it will be different. Maybe I’ll have a peaceful, quiet baby who sleeps through the night at two weeks. And last time, I didn’t have a group of mommies to really lean on – I was involved in our group, but still too new to feel comfortable asking for help. I didn’t know that breastfeeding doesn’t last forever, that the baby will eventually sleep through the night, and that time does, in fact, move on – even when it feels like it’s moving slower than molasses.
So, if I seem a little scatter-brained these days, it’s because I’m fluctuating between terror and excitement, fear and hope. I know one day I’ll look back at this and laugh, because I won’t even remember what it’s like to have a three-person family. I’ll think back to how naïve I used to be, and feel nostalgic for these oh-so-easy days when parenting was all about zone defense (not man-to-man), there were no sibling fights, no soccer games and ballet classes, and no fighting over who gets to use the phone next. Maybe you’ll join me in raising a toast to our younger selves, and help me appreciate all the wisdom I’ve gained in this terrifically terrifying new world into which I’m about to be born. Wish me luck!