He is Mine

In January of 2012, I wrote this post about lies that swirl around me and threaten to overwhelm me. I shared the art I created to help me replace those lies with God’s truths about me. Here’s the “funny” thing: that blog post was written more than two years ago. You’d think I would have grown and matured in that time, right? Oh, sure, I changed in the last two years, but the lies simply shape-shifted into new nooses. The lies continue to repress me and flatten me. They take the wind out of my sails. They hinder my soaring. They shackle my courage.

I have never questioned or second-guessed myself more than I have these past two years, and it is a scary thing to feel like the one “thing” that is dependable (my own self!) is not. I know my own heart, right? Because of this, I assume my own heart is the one place where I am always safe and always innocent. Oh, but how I’ve found that to be the opposite sometimes! My heart is fickle and selfish. It will always choose self-preservation over future pain (picking a fight with my husband instead of asking for help because I don’t know everything [Yeah, shocker!]). It would rather strike out at others than admit vulnerability (yelling at my kids instead of admitting I’m overwhelmed). Some days, my heart is faulty and undependable and untrustworthy.

Of course, my heart is all those things when it is powered on its own strength. When I try to rely solely on my own judgment and righteousness, my heart – and my self – fail. Through all of this, I’ve discovered one magnificent truth of life: I am not enough. When I depend on me, I always run out of fuel. When I turn to myself, my self lets me down. When I try to tackle obstacles on my own, I end up flattened on my back with the air knocked out of my lungs. I desperately gasp for breath.

Two years ago, lies rattled around in my head and I believed I wasn’t enough. Today, that “lie” has become truth for me, and I realize I really AM not enough! But instead of letting that truth consume and choke me, it has caused me to turn to the One who is enough. There is one Person who is everything I want to be: Selfless. Righteous. Whole. Unbroken. Humble. Courageous. Truthful. Dependable. Trustworthy. Beautiful. Giving. Worthy.

His name is Jesus.

And He is bigger than all those lies, bigger than my failures, and bigger than my mistakes. And what’s more? He died to make me all those things that He is and I am not. Do you get that? Can you understand that?

As a companion piece to the art I posted in 2012, I made another piece of art in 2013. I’ve never posted it here, but I think now is a good time to do so. My 2012 art described me, but this art describes Him. The first art is called “I Am His” and this one is called “He is Mine.” We exist together; a statement that not only could be an entirely separate blog post, but a life calling.

This art goes so well with something else God brought into my life this past April. A friend of mine shared the new MercyMe CD with me. It’s called Welcome to the New and it has become a guardrail in my life. The entire CD is God’s truth set to music, and it is SO. VERY. GOOD. Along with the CD, my friend sent me a clip from the album release concert MercyMe had on JoyFM on April 10. I transcribed the entire 14 minute clip, and have listened to it repeatedly as well. Lead singer Bart Millard talks about the way grace has transformed his life, and how Jesus’ sacrifice for us makes us flawless. (If you want to listen to something very similar, click on this link to listen to the K-Love concert and forward to the 16 minute mark.) This is one of my favorite parts of the JoyFM clip:

In the past, I would get up and say stuff that I hoped would connect but I’m so confident in this message that I know for a fact it’s gonna connect with a lot of you when I say things like, “I struggle every day with the enemy telling me every day that I’m disqualified and that I’m not enough and that if ‘they’ knew what you’ve done in your past they would not listen to a word that you’re saying.” So much so that there would be mornings I wouldn’t even get out of bed because I felt like I was already defeated. And sometimes the enemy sounded a little bit like the Holy Spirit. I would take things like, “You should just be glad that God knows you. That should be enough.” I thought that was a good thing! But that’s not the gospel. Your identity is not what you do or what you’ve done. Your identity is not the guilt and shame that you choose to carry with you throughout your life. Because if you know Christ, the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead now dwells inside of you 24 hours a day. He ain’t leavin’! And because of that alone, everything changes. You are not someone who cannot be trusted. You are not one that has a wretched heart. We’ll write worship songs and get up under the banner of nobility and say, “God, we just stink as individuals. We are unworthy. We are unrighteous. We are horrible. If I choose, I will choose something other than You every time so I just need You, God. I’m nothing without You.” That last part is true. But as far as the rest of it goes, is it possible that Christ is standing there saying, “You know what? You used to be unworthy. You used to be unrighteous. You used to actually stink pretty good. But because of that whole big deal I made on the cross, you’re a brand new creation.” You are not a bad person trying to be good. You are holy as He is holy. You are righteous. You are redeemed. You are a child of the Living God. If you’re just bad, trying to be good, you’re gonna have your little mountaintop moments but you’re gonna go back to believing you’re this sorry person and if you believe it long enough, you’re gonna live like that when Christ is saying, “No, there is nothing sorry about you.” You have the heart and mind of Christ. How can you be worthless when you are an heir to the throne? When you are a child of the Living King? (emphasis added)

It’s one thing to know God and know His attributes. And it’s another thing to know how completely contrary my heart is to God’s goodness. But when I take His holiness and allow it to cover my wretchedness? When I stop turning away from Him in shame and run full-fledged to Him in gratitude and freedom? Oh! It’s liberating and life-changing and tremendously earth-shaking.

So, back to the start of this post. All those lies that still rattle around and shake my foundations? They’re still here. The last two years of struggles and questions? They haven’t ended yet. Life is still LIFE, y’all. It’s hard and bumpy and painful and fluid and changing and harsh. But God is bigger and He gets the last word. He keeps deflecting those lies by dropping things into my life like the MercyMe CD, my new Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study book (Limitless Life by Derwin Gray), and my friend Stephanie’s book (Cultivating Peace). Each one of those things helps God uproot a few more of the weeds that choke my fickle heart. He uses these things to keep me on His path and following His light.

I’m grateful for His passionate pursuit, and undone by the fact that He never gives up on me!

Healing in a Target Parking Lot

Almost six years ago (5 years and about 11 months, to be exact), I wrote a blog post about forgiveness. It was a huge step for me to forgive this person, J, who had deeply hurt me, and the blog post I wrote was a catharsis for me. The physical act of writing the post was the culmination of the emotional act of forgiving J, and posting it enabled me to truly forgive and let go of the pain.

I didn’t forget the pain, but it hurt less after I forgave. When J would come to mind, over time I felt less and less vinegary toward him. I remember the day I got a Facebook friend request from him. It took me a full 24 hours of prayer and pondering before I was able to accept the request, but I did it. Then I started running into his wife at stores around town. It wasn’t awful, and I was even able to be friendly to her. But in the back of my mind, I always wondered what would happen if I actually ran into HIM.

Late last year, I got the news on Facebook that J was fired from the same ministry where we worked together. I reached out to him, told him I could relate (and not in a mean way, I promise!), and reminded him of his value in God’s eyes – and not because of his employment, but because of God’s gracious adoration of us. J shocked me with his response, asking me to forgive him for how he was involved when I lost my  job, and even admitted that he wanted to reach out to me back when it happened but felt his job would be in jeopardy if he did. I replied that I had forgiven him a long time ago, but his asking for my forgiveness meant more to me than I could explain. It was beautiful and courageous on both our parts to move past our shared history.

Still, I wondered every now and then how I might react when/if I ever saw him in person. And… I found out tonight!

The funny part is I was shopping at Aldi and saw a woman who looked a lot like J’s wife. I realized it wasn’t her, and then thought to myself (as I have many times before), God, when are you going to make THAT happen in my life? And I chuckled inwardly, not realized God was chuckling right alongside me.

Because about 20 minutes later, I was pulling into the Target parking lot and saw his wife walking toward their car. She was following a man I realized was J, and there was a child too. I made the split second decision to honk and wave at her, knowing that would invite interaction which would lead to me seeing J, face-to-face. As I parked and stepped out of my car, I said out loud to myself, “Okay, God…” and then I did something the 2008 Elizabeth would not have done:

I embraced the person who wronged me. And, man! It felt good!

I asked them both about their lives, and they asked about mine. We listened to each other and I felt like we genuinely cared about each other’s answers. I asked how his job search has been going, since I have been off Facebook and wouldn’t know. He told me he’s been working a part time retail job, and also started a home improvement business on the side with another pastor (he’s a pastor too). That was NO coincidence, since my neighbor had been asking me just yesterday if I know of any contractors who could fix a leak in her roof. And guess who does that? Yep, my old boss J! I got his contact info (which I have already passed along), and then talk turned to our former employer. He said he was glad to get out alive, and I told him I could relate. But I said as painful as the departure was, I am grateful that God brought me through it. The pain was used to bring me to a point where I could surrender to Jesus, even though some of the pain still haunts me today. (Literally, today at my current job I had a fear bubble up that I know comes from that specific position and firing I went through.)

I needed to say these words to J’s face. As much as I feel like he needed to hear them to understand my forgiveness, I needed to say them as a way to place that pain in its final resting place. It’s buried. It’s gone. And there is no longer weeping at the graveside! Instead, my weeping has turned into dancing because it’s another instance in my life where God has turned “into good what you meant for evil.” (Genesis 50:20) It’s another signpost in my life of God keeping His promises and granting me the beautiful perspective of seeing how He can truly redeem the unforgiveable.

As I drove home, I smiled and thanked God for giving me that gift tonight. I gave Him the glory and said, “You did this, God!” And, immediately, I heard His response in my head: “But you LET me.”

That’s when I realized truth: God did it, but it couldn’t be completed until I surrendered and let His way become my way. He is gracious and gentle because He modeled forgiveness to me, but that only goes so far until I take the conscious step to choose His way over my own.

I think it’s nothing short of extraordinary that God has painstakingly worked on this lesson in my heart for THIRTEEN years. I pray I can remember the waiting is as much a part of the change as the actual end result.

God, I am humbled tonight that You allow me such sacred glimpses into Your heart. Thank You for seeing me as valuable and worth rescuing. Thank You for not leaving me in the pit of bitterness and anger I used to live in [and, let’s not kid ourselves, some days I go visit it still]. You lived in it with me, and then climbed out and threw a rope down to help me climb out, too. Over many years You put people in my life who could demonstrate surrender and release to me, which dismantled my resentment without me even realizing it. I didn’t realize You were changing me, but You never stopped Your relentless remodeling of my heart. Oh, thank You, God! I am so glad I am Yours. Amen.

This makes me wonder: what other remodeling projects is He working on even right this minute that I haven’t noticed quite yet?!

Fabulous Magnificence

I thought I was following God’s leading. I thought He laid an opportunity in my lap – literally brought it directly to me when I wasn’t even searching for anything such as this – and so I thought this new opportunity was truly His will for my life.

I fretted about it. I sweated it. I asked God a lot of Are-You-Sure questions. I sought wise counsel. I weighed the pros and cons of this risky step – risky because I was exposing myself and had no backup plan. I sat on it and tried to squelch it until I deeply felt God’s leading that the time was right and I needed to open my tightly-closed fists and take a step into the unknown.

So I did.

My heart pounded. I thought I might throw up, but I didn’t. I took the step and I survived it, and that step led to a period of waiting. The waiting wasn’t bad at all. Truly, even for an impatient control freak like myself! I felt more peace over the whole thing once I took that “tiny” step, and felt the Holy Spirit giving me a high five for the trust and obedience I demonstrated.

The waiting didn’t bother me because I felt like I was exactly where God wanted me: I was surrendered. With open hands. And a peaceful calm. And a trusting heart. And excited about my future because I felt like I had clarity.

Until today, when an answer of “not now” came. All that peace, trust, calm? It’s muddied with confusion now. And self-doubt, because I’m second guessing and wondering where I misheard His leading. I thought it was so spot-on and circumstances had converged to make His path overly apparent to me.

And now there’s a “Dead End” sign. With a “Do Not Enter” sign AND a “U-turn” sign as the cherry on top of the bowl of confusion. What do you mean, God? You want me to turn back? How? Where do I go now? You want me to just stay here?! All of that for all of this?

I am bruised because I patted myself on the back for following His will, because I thought His will had an end result in mind. Today, I’m guessing that His will isn’t so much about an end result as it is about the experience along the way: the surrendering and the opening hands and the calming peace I found when I submitted to His leading.

And yet, all those words are balm I use to soothe the ache I feel over a lost dream that I tried on for size – and felt so lovely when I looked at myself wearing it. I’m sad. It’s painful when hope dies, no matter what sort of hope you cling to (relationships, children, retirement, careers, even the town you live in.) And I question and wonder, all along knowing He’s okay with me questioning and wondering. No matter what, I still trust because His track record with me is one of unflagging faithfulness. He always has my best in mind.

The truth is this: my plans for the future seem pretty fabulous when I map them out. [And, for the record, I don’t feel like this was solely MY plan. From the get go, I felt it was HIS plan too!] And then I look at His grand design and realize settling for fabulous is pretty darn stupid when He has marvelous magnificence in mind. Fabulous is pretty good, but He takes that fabulous and enhances it – intensifies it - magnifies it – into untoppable magnificence.

I want what He wants for me. And I trust that His “no” on this topic translates to “I have something better in mind.”

Finish What He Started by MercyMe
I don't have to know you
To know that you will go through
Hard times - it's just part of life.
Don't let that moment blind you
And don't let it define you.
Take heart, that's not who you are.
Our God is able,
More than capable
To be faithful
To the end.
He'll finish what He started.
No matter what you've done,
Grace comes like a flood.
There's hope to carry on.
He'll finish what he started.
No matter what you face,
His mercy will not change.
He's with you all the way.
He'll finish what he started.
Remember you're forgiven
So there's no need to give in
To the lie
That you're disqualified.
Our God is able,
More than capable
To be faithful
To the end.
He'll finish what He started.
No matter what you've done,
Grace comes like a flood.
There's hope to carry on.
He'll finish what he started.
No matter what you face,
His mercy will not change.
He's with you all the way.
He'll finish what he started.
This work He's started in you now,
He's faithful to complete it.
A promise sealed when He cried out,
"It is finished."
He'll finish what He started.
No matter what you've done,
Grace comes like a flood.
There's hope to carry on.
He'll finish what he started.
No matter what you face,
His mercy will not change.
He's with you all the way.
He'll finish what he started.

30 Day Drawing Challenge

For the month of March, Katie and I promised each other to follow a drawing challenge we found on Pinterest.

I bought a notebook that we used for our blank space, and we each drew something on one page each day. At the beginning, Jackson joined in too. But he lost interest after a few days.

Day 1: Yourself

Day 2: Your favorite animal

Day 3: Your favorite food

Day 4: Your favorite places

Day 5: Your best friends

Day 6: Your favorite book

It was truly a challenge for me to think creatively and illustrate my thoughts on a page. I won’t show every page from our book, but it’s something I will cherish and keep even when Katie is a grown woman.

Happy 7th Birthday

Dear Jackson,

Oh, my boy! What a difference a year makes. The person who is writing this letter today is in a wholly different mindset than the mother who wrote this letter last year. And, of course, so is the recipient!

In the last few months, your demeanor has undergone a transformation. Somehow, in some way, the things Daddy and I have been drilling in to your head for six years seem to be penetrating somewhat. It’s like a light was switched on, and you are grasping cause and effect in a much deeper sense. You have learned that giving an attitude to your parents results in getting an attitude back. You’ve experimented with that, and it seems you have found (finally!) that everyone is much more agreeable when we start with pleasant instead of grumps. Hallelujah! It finally makes sense for you!

Grasping this one life basic has paid big dividends for our entire family. Since the calendar turned to 2014, I’ve noticed an increased willingness on your part to help without being asked, to go out of your way when you see someone else struggling or having a bad moment, and to take responsibility for yourself. For example, Toy Jail finally makes sense to you. (Clean it up before bed, or you have to do a job the next day to get whatever item was “arrested” out of jail.)

As a mother, I’ve prayed countless times that I would see changes like this in you. And although I know we haven’t “arrived” yet (When does a parent ever “arrive,” anyway?), I can see glimmers of the man you will one day become. Small changes have brought big hope!

While some change has been encouraging and refreshing, other things have stayed the same – and I’m grateful for that, too. You are an incredibly smart kid. (Of course, in my humble opinion!) I mean, look at your classwork I saw at school today!

And you are still the same sweet-hearted, emotionally open little boy you’ve always been. As a parent, I’ve learned to figure out the currency that matters most to each of my kids and to use that currency as a motivator. While physical currency (money) is a decent motivator for you, the biggest motivator is people. You LOVE people, and being alone is one of the worst punishments you can imagine.

Just last week, we had friends over for dinner – adult friends! To you, it didn’t matter that they weren’t coming to “play” with you. You were thrilled to have people over at all, and you woke up that morning chattering happily about our friends who were coming to dinner. As their arrival time got closer that evening, you set about getting the house ready for them. You asked me if you could put out trays for them to rest their snacks on. You took all the pillows off the couch and made a soft spot on the floor for our friends to sit. (Never mind that they are past the age of floor-sitting, and never mind that I had spent the previous 30 minutes cleaning up the living room and placing those same pillows in certain spots on the couch!) And then you took up a sentinel post by the front window, watching for their arrival. Every two minutes, you came to find me and tell me they had not arrived yet. But the instant they pulled into our driveway, you became a one-man welcome wagon and rushed out to usher our friends into the house. Having people in your life makes you feel like king of the castle, and your soul lights up with glowing joy.

You care about people, sweet boy. You love well. You write letters and draw pictures for people you love. Those pictures are usually dragons or crazy winged bats, but you love to give these pictures away. You’ve also started caring for people by praying for them. Last week, I made you a set of rocks we are calling Prayer Pebbles. I picked seven pebbles for you on our walk, and wrote six names on them for you. Five of the six names are people you love, and the sixth is the name of someone you struggle to love almost every day. It’s a boy on your bus, who is a borderline bully to everyone around him. You and I talked about him and you asked me to write his name on a rock for you. Yesterday you pulled his rock out of the Prayer Pebble container and bowed your head and prayed for the boy you wish would be your friend. My heart melted! [For the record, the seventh rock was left blank so you can pray for whatever person you choose on the day you pull that rock from the container.]

I got a text from our neighbor this morning, wishing you a happy birthday. She told me about a conversation she had with you the other night. Here’s a screen shot of it:

This epitomizes you at this very moment in time, Jackson. You are so excited to start baseball (your first team!) next week. You get to hang with your buddy this weekend. And you look forward to your future with zealous anticipation, unafraid and jumping in with abandon. I feel the same about your future, too: the best is yet to be, Jackson! I am so glad I get to be your mommy and sit beside you for this crazy ride.

I love you, deeply and dearly!

Mommy

Facebook: Love and Hate

It’s been getting worse lately: this sense that the balance of my life is off. One of the biggest signs of that is my addiction (strong word, yes, but fitting!) to social media. I have turned to the quick “fix” of Facebook for many reasons. It’s a quick hit of “drugs” to this junkie who thrives on my extroverted nature to make me feel purpose and meaning in this ever-increasing, isolated culture.

There are so many reasons I really love Facebook.

• Facebook Stories like these http://www.facebookstories.com/2013/en-en
• Social media connects people in an irreplaceable way. For example, earlier this year when Atlanta was hit with a bad snow storm, I watched my news feed be filled with my friends’ status updates and requests for help. I was amazed that people even ASKED for help and weren’t so independent that they had to do life alone, and also amazed at how other friends answered those requests and went out of their way for strangers.
• I hate to admit I get a large part of my world news from Facebook, but it’s true. It’s where I first hear of celebrity deaths, natural disasters, and political upheaval.
• Facebook is also the place I get personal news from my friends: new jobs, engagements, pregnancies, diagnoses, sudden deaths. Two weeks ago, I saw that my childhood best friend’s dad died suddenly. I immediately reached out to her through a private message, and we were speaking on the phone – and crying together – within hours. Without Facebook, I might not have known for months – or at least until I received a Christmas card – or ever! (It’s not something people usually put in a Christmas card, you know.)
• Facebook put me in contact again with long-lost friends. Dan always jokes with me about how I keep in contact with the most random people, even prior to Facebook. There’s the waiter from our Caribbean cruise and the American woman living in Israel that we met in St. Mark’s Square in Venice, Italy. Those are people I kept in contact with through email and Real! Mail! before Facebook was invented. And then Facebook came along, and we can communicate in real time. It’s fantasticly wonderful for Little Miss Extrovert!
• Since most of my family is now gone, staying in touch with old family friends has been much easier with Facebook. I am included in my brother’s high school and college friends’ lives and events, and my parents’ friends are my friends now too. Something really cool happened earlier this year. A guy who knew my brother in high school (but was between Jackson’s age and my age, so I didn’t know him well) posted a football video and tagged mutual friends in it. I shared the video with my sister, thinking I might have noticed my brother in that video. The guy who posted it contacted me privately and offered to send me a different video of my brother’s high school championship football game. I watched it and got to see Jackson again, and it made me incredibly happy to relive that night.
• Facebook also keeps me in the pop culture loop. It’s where I go to see video links of stupid human and pet tricks, you-won’t-believe-this! videos, and new music videos. It’s where I post a video of my kiddos doing something amazing or funny or silly (even though this is borderline bragging).

And, yet… there are so many reasons Facebook isn’t all love and joy for me. Those good things above have a flip side too:

• For every great video link I’ve watched, there are at least ten unfunny/stupid video links. And those stupid captioned cartoons that are so popular right now? For reals, people. Stop posting them!
• I have friends who post pictures of Every. Single. Meal. They. Eat. The annoyance I feel is truly unhealthy.
• Same goes for people’s jerky opinions or dirty laundry they air. I am still shocked and astounded a people who post about a fight with their spouse or post a link to a really offensive political view – or something that’s borderline porn. Ugh! I have to admit I’m also a bit horrified by my friends who have pageant kids (or dance team kids) who post photos of their girls so dolled up that they look like, well… I won’t say, but I know you get the picture. (And, for the record, these are 8- and 10-year old girls.)
• Really bad photos also get me. I know this one doesn’t bother most people, but the photographer in me shudders sometimes at the techniques out there.
• People who can’t be real drive me a little nuts on Facebook. There are those who post an inflated version of their reality and can’t be honest. This bothers me so much that I made a pact with one of my best friends to text each other whenever we feel the need to post something “real” but are afraid to. She and I call them True Status Updates and we text the really crappy, bad parts of our lives to each other. It’s partly misery-loves-company, and partly an accountability to each other to be authentic in a SAFE place.
• One of the biggest traps for me on Facebook is the enhanced feeling of loneliness from reading people’s posts about said inflated reality (see above), which makes me feel inferior. I already feel inferior enough on my own; I don’t need a news feed full of visual reminders of unattainable parenting tips, fashion pinnacles I’ll never reach, or Valentines/date nights/dinners (!!!) I’ll never eat. (Ooooo… now you get the real crux of the matter: Facebook makes me a green little monster!)
• And while we’re in this jealousy/envy vein, let’s just rip the entire mask off my face: Facebook makes me feel like a loser when I see all the shopping trips/dinners/parties/social events people have attended and I wasn’t included. It feels like 4th grade all over again. And, apparently, I’m barely above the 4th-grade level of maturity! Ick!

There you have it. My partial list of why Facebook is so marvelous and so malevolent to me. (Marvelovent?!) I love and hate it at the same time.

Now the question is: what am I gonna do about it? Like I mentioned in the first paragraph, it’s been getting worse lately. It has sucked away my time with God, my family, my marriage, my housekeeping, and my blogging. It has become an idol for me. I realized this a while ago, but thought I could control it. I went through my news feed and deleted a lot of people (not as friends, just in my feed), but that didn’t help. I promised myself at the start of the year I would only log into Facebook once a day and for a limited amount of time. Um… nope. Didn’t work. I toyed with the idea of deactivating my account, but felt like I couldn’t for a few of those “love” reasons listed above, plus there are people who contact me there for work things sometimes. I floundered. I pondered. I prayed.

And then last Wednesday, it happened. It was Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent. Although I’m Protestant and don’t do a full-fledged Lent commitment, I still like to spend the time preparing for Easter and the work God is doing in my heart. During my quiet time, I felt such a conviction to get rid of Facebook that I immediately got out of my seat, walked over to the computer, and spent 30 minutes shutting it down. (It took a little while because I am the admin of a few different groups and had to pass ownership along to other people.) I didn’t talk myself out of it, and didn’t try to analyze the repercussions (which happened pretty quickly right after; I lost information for some social events happening the next day and weekend).

I simply let it go.

And, honestly? I’m really happy about it. Yesterday was a little difficult because I had three people text me within hours of each other to ask why I disappeared on Facebook. They needed to contact me with some information, or tag me in something encouraging. I explained to them my need to step out for a while, and suggested other ways to contact me.

I feel more free, like I am in control of the media, instead of the other way around. That feels really good to know I’m not a passive victim of the Facebook drain. I choose when and how it will affect me, and how I will imbibe of it. (I told you it sounds like I’m an addict!)

I’m pretty sure my absence from social media won’t last forever because I do have two kids who will, one day, request access for their own social media accounts. Plus, I’m still on Instagram (which doesn’t affect me quite as negatively – yet! – as Facebook does) and blogging (it will be so nice to write more!). Elizabeth is not a complete social[media] pariah!

Like other stuff in my life right now, I’m just going to take things as they come. Today is not a Facebook day, and I will make no decisions or judgments today about whether tomorrow will – or won’t – be, either. Wish me luck!

February 2014 Review

February was painful. There was a lot of snow. A LOT. So this post will probably be pretty boring. I apologize in advance.

The good thing about snow is it taught me to appreciate the arrival of the yellow school bus every day. Whooopee!

A few friends got together to celebrate a new baby boy on the way for our friends Mike and Amy.

This photo doesn’t look like much, but it makes my heart sing because it is capturing the morning ritual between Katie and her dad. When she hears the garage door closing, she flings open the window shade and performs this sign language goodbye gesture that Dan mimics back to her. I love it!

I took the kids to a family Holy Yoga session. Getting out to stretch our bodies helped combat the winter blahs.

Just a moment to reflect on life with a six year old boy: his room is a mess but it’s a beautiful snapshot of life at this very moment, messes and all!

Jackson’s first Cub Scout Blue and Gold banquet ended with a real knight!

Many-feet-long icicles hung from our house, because all of that snow was finally starting to melt.

Valentine’s Day parties in the kids’ classrooms.

Grandma took us to the movie and posed with the kids in the Muppets Most Wanted movie promo prop. I love this photo because you can hardly tell that she isn’t part of the cast!

Morning after a Girl Scouts slumber party, plus Jackson’s playdate with a friend and I got to do a little writing!

A decent day for climbing trees! It felt like a summer heat wave. Ha!

We enjoyed the weather and went geocaching together.

Dinner at our friends’ house to celebrate this sweet boy’s arrival.

I got to tour Busch Stadium with Katie’s class. It was cold (of course, that’s the theme of February this year!) but so cool to see the inside of the stadium.

Katie’s class did an exercise where each kid wrote a compliment for every other kid in the class, then they were combined on one piece of paper. This is the feedback for Katie. *sigh*

Jackson, reading wherever his body lands. This time it happened to be at the top of the stairs!

Epic Surprises

I turned 40 last week, which I wrote about here. I am happy to report that, so far, 40 is fantastic!

My birthday was one for the record books. I have talked about it in person to a few people, but haven’t really broadcast the extent of epic awesomeness that was my birthday weekend because I felt it would be in poor form. Because the truth is: it was so amazing that to talk about it might sound like I’m bragging.

However, this is MY blog and I want to write about MY birthday. Consider this fair warning: if you have unresolved issues with envy, you should close your web browser and skip this blog post. Come back next week/month/year when I write about struggling as a mother or how much I hate snow days or how I don’t understand why life has to be full of hurt and pain.

This post is NOT about hurt and pain!

My 40th birthday really began at 7:30am. I was getting the kids ready for school when Dan showed up at our house. He had been at his men’s group and was supposed to be heading to work, but he came home instead. I was puzzled until he gave me a gift bag with my birthday gift inside. As he handed me the gift, his chin trembled and he started to tear up. I was alarmed and didn’t understand why he was crying. I said, “What’s wrong?!” He told me he was so excited to give me this present and hoped it means as much to me as it did to him as he put it together. I didn’t understand until I pulled this out.

It is a three-ring binder full of letters he gathered from friends and family. Inside this binder are photos of beauty. Pieces of original artwork. Quotes from long gone ancestors. Poems and pieces of people who love me. Adjectives that have no business being attached to my name, but somehow, a few people think I matter in some small way.

I was completely undone by this binder. I cried at the breakfast table, and lost all focus on getting my kids to school. Dan saw them off while I read and cried some more. He sat beside me and cried with me. (That may be the most profound sentence I’ve ever written about my marriage. Ahem.) I cried off my makeup and laughed a lot too. It was – by far – the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received. All those letters are priceless to me, but the most valuable of all is the very first one in the binder – the one written by my husband. Out of all the letters Dan has written me in our lifetimes, this one letter is the most beautiful because He talks about God’s love and provision. For a man who, just a few years ago, would hardly consider Jesus’ gift of grace – this letter is tangible proof of how much God has changed my best friend’s life.

Eventually, I had to leave and go to work. I carried that binder with me the rest of the day and gawked at it. I showed it to my coworkers and thanked them for writing a letter to me. The rest of the day was full of work, birthday wishes, and a general sense of joy.

That evening, Jackson had a Scout event and Katie had rehearsal at church. Dan and I split off after a quick family dinner, and I didn’t return home with Katie until 9:00. I pulled into our driveway and saw his mom’s car. My brain went into alert mode, and I started wondering if there was a surprise party inside. I quickly dismissed that thought, since it was 9:00 on a Thursday. I hoped maybe my sister had arrived from out of town to surprise me.

I walked into our house and found the kitchen lights off and a cake lit with candles. Dan, Jackson, Katie, and Dan’s mom were all smiling at me. I looked at them suspiciously, waiting for something to happen. Dan told me to blow out my candles so we could have cake. I did and said, “Why is your mother here?” I smiled at his mom, of course, but she knew I was puzzled and confused and didn’t mean anything rude by this. Dan explained his mom was there to take care of the kids because he and I would be leaving early in the morning. He told me to pack my bags and he would put the kids to bed. I asked where we were going, and he said I would find out in the morning. All he would tell me is our destination was somewhere “warmer than here.”

Immediately, my brain went into overdrive. In between random questions (Are we flying? Do I need a passport? Is it international? Do I need flip flops? Wait! I work weekends! Did you talk to my boss?), I fretted all the small details about Jackson’s dietary restrictions while we would be gone (and packed food for him too), I fretted my own dietary restrictions, and my brain ticked through all the appointments and duties I needed to cancel before we left. Then Dan told me he had already cancelled my appointments. He submitted my vacation request with my boss. And he had already packed the clothes and food the kids would need at Grandma’s. He thought of things I hadn’t thought of yet, even going as far as packing the kids’ lunches for the following Monday. [By this point, he had told me we wouldn’t be returning home until Monday.]

Now, here’s the point where I pause and explain something about myself. It is no surprise to the few of you who read this blog that I am a control freak. I often live under the prideful and false assumption that the world spins because of God and what I do to help Him. (I jest – sort of.) And while I have actually fantasized about my husband taking over the reins and planning a surprise trip for us, I never considered the ramifications of those fantasies becoming reality. Because the truth is taking control away from a control freak is like taking cocaine away from a drug addict. (At least I imagine it is; I’ve never been addicted to drugs.) Worry and fear reared their heads and the unknown shouted louder than the giddy spontaneity. In my anxiety over the loss of control, I panicked when I couldn’t find my swimsuit. I walked up and down the stairs in the house four times, trying to find it. Finally, in desperation, I sat down on a stool in our closet and prayed: “God, I know I shouldn’t be stressing about such a fantastic gift as this. I know in just 12 hours, I’ll be having the time of my life. But right now, I can’t find my swimsuit. And if I can’t find my swimsuit, I will have a very bad time. I know You know where my swimsuit is, so I’m going to let this go for now. I’m going to let You show me where it is when I need to know. Thanks, God.” I breathed and then I let it go. I stood up in my closet and focused on what shirts to pack. About 72 seconds later, I looked straight up at a shelf and saw my swimsuit right. there. “Thank You, God. You always help me!”

After another hour of packing and fretting, Dan and I finally went to bed. We were out the door at 4:00am, with only about four hours of sleep. Ugh. I still had no idea where we were going, but fully trusted my husband to lead me to something awesome. These are the roads at 4am – empty!

We got to the airport and the only people there were those dressed in flip flops, capris, and tank tops. (It’s January in St. Louis, people!) As we got closer to the airline check-in desk, I finally saw the sign that told me where we were going: CANCUN! I smiled, hugged Dan, and told him how excited I was.

When we boarded the plane, the woman beside me asked what resort we were staying at. When I answered, “I don’t know,” her face was shocked. (Later, one of my friends pointed out what a big leap it was for me [control freak] to say to someone “I don’t know” and not have an anxiety attack!) I slept a while on the plane, and woke when all the landing preps started.

We got off the plane, through customs, and onto the shuttle for our resort. We finally pulled up in front of this beautiful, open-air resort lobby and walked inside to check in. I could see the ocean from the lobby, and literally felt my heart exhale. It was like relief was flooding my soul. One of the hotel staff walked up and presented us with a fruity cocktail, and Dan turned and told me to go sit down. I obliged.

We couldn’t check into our room yet, so we left our bag with the bellman after I changed into capris (I was still wearing jeans and a  long-sleeved shirt). We went to find something to eat, since we hadn’t had breakfast yet. Over breakfast/lunch, I smiled like a goon at my husband because he went to allthiswork for me. He took some time to explain how he arranged all the plans and when he started this whole charade, and also told me the details about gathering the letters for my binder.

I was so happy with the thought of spending a long weekend with my love, with nothing to do besides eat, sleep, and sit at the beach. So after we ate, Dan parked me at the beach (with our carry-on luggage), and went back up to find the bellman and get some shorts to change in to. I sat on the beach and let the wind blow over me.

I turned on some music from my iPod, then pulled out my mirror and tweezers. (Yes, I packed them! Remember, I’m a planner and I didn’t have time to tweeze before I left home?!) I enjoyed my fruity drink, and simply relaxed.

I sat there for a while, singing and praying and tweezing (ha!), and then noticed some movement behind me in my mirror. I turned and OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! MY SISTER IS HERE! MY SISTER IS HERE! I was so completely shocked that an expletive fell out of my mouth, and I ran to her and hugged her with my full body. (I shrieked so much that I saw another person down the beach staring at me the whole time.) And then I hugged her husband, Wally, who was standing beside her. And I think I hugged him like 4 times, because I haven’t seen him since last summer – before he was deployed on a dangerous mission. I hugged my sister some more and hugged Wally some more, then hugged my spectacular husband.

A few days later, a friend of mine asked how the trip was. As I told her about the arrival of my sister on the beach, I explained it by saying it was the best reunion and it’s how I imagine heaven will be: I arrive in paradise with the Love of my life (I know Dan isn’t Jesus, y’all – it’s a broken analogy – but just go with it here), and He feeds me and sustains me and shows me around. And then I get to be reunited with those I love most, and I fly into their arms and finally feel at home again. I do all this with the Person beside me who planned this great trip FOR me, knowing that He hand-selected the details for me. What more joy could you imagine than standing beside the Giver and enjoying all the gifts He created for you?

From that point on, our surprise vacation flew by. We went to lunch together, talked over all the details from the last months of planning (and how they kept me from finding out), and I’m pretty sure I had this stupid grin on my face for the next five hours (at least).

We lounged at the beach and the pool, had some tropical drinks, checked into our rooms, and had dinner at the resort’s Japanese steak house.

After dinner, we had drinks on the lobby balcony, and Dan headed back to the room early (he had not slept on the plane like I did). I got to talk and laugh with Mary and Wally, and then we all headed to bed too.

Saturday morning, I woke to a beautiful view from our room.

Dan and I went to breakfast, and I’m telling you: simply sitting at breakfast with this man, eating good food (that I didn’t cook myself!), and drinking a lovely mimosa brought such bliss to my heart. Mary and Wally found us near the end of breakfast, and we stayed to eat with them and visit before heading to the beach.

Toes in the sand.

Sitting in the shade with the wind blowing off the ocean.

Enjoying the cocktail of the day (called Ocean Water).

After a few hours of being spoiled, Dan, Mary and I hauled ourselves up to the spa for a soak and a massage. This was the spa’s indoor pool.

Dan and I had a couple’s massage, and I fell asleep twice during it. It was that kind of relaxation that was so deep, I only woke myself up because I actually snored twice! Afterwards, we lounged by the pool on those breezy bed-sized couches that are popular at resorts these days.

We had a nice evening drink.

We walked around a little to explore the property.

And then it was time to shower and get ready for dinner. Dan headed down to dinner first, to get a spot for us (the reservation system at this resort wasn’t so great). When I came down to join him, the sunset was over but there was still enough light to see these awesome clouds over the pool and ocean.

We had dinner at what we called the “romantic” restaurant, and it was such great food. We laughed a lot and enjoyed ourselves. After dinner, the boys bought cigars from a vendor and we sat by the pool so they could enjoy their cigars. A band came to play, and we sang along. Oh, happy!

The next morning (Sunday), it was the same thing: sleep in, breakfast, chill on the beach. Dan and I decided to walk down to the nearest town, Puerto Morelos. Someone had told us it was a 30 minute walk, and someone else said it was about 45 minutes. WRONG. It took an hour to get there. I had only a swimsuit and cover up, because I didn’t think it would require shorts and walking shoes!

When we arrived at the town, I was a little bummed to find out it was very small and not very intriguing. There were a few sidewalk stores, but most of the store owners were pretty pushy (which I expected) and I was already dreading the hour walk back to the resort.

Dan and I found a sidewalk restaurant and had a Coke (it’s made with real sugar and not high fructose corn syrup in Mexico!), then decided to hire a taxi to drive us back to the hotel. We lucked out on finding another couple going to our same resort, so we shared the taxi and cut our costs.

We got back to the resort and immediately went to the beach to find Mary and Wally. We grabbed some lunch and ended up at the pool, where I promptly took an hour-long nap with this as my view.

I woke up to the palm leaves rustling over my head. Aaaahhh…

It was Super Bowl Sunday, so we all showered and met back up to enjoy a huge outdoor tailgating party.

We watched the game on a big screen, and gorged on some really great food.

After the game, we had drinks in the lobby and got to enjoy karaoke. Wally started the party off with “Sweet Caroline,” and I laughed continually for about 3 hours straight. (And I would LOVE to post a video of Wally singing, but will protect his privacy and opt out.)

The next morning was our departure day. I was sad, but this morning sunrise helped ease my sadness.

We had breakfast with Mary and Wally, then said our goodbyes before catching a shuttle to the airport.

I watched Mexico pass beneath the airplane, dreading the cold weather awaiting us back home.

And even though freezing cold WAS waiting for us, those three days in Mexico kept me from being bothered by it.

Mexico thawed my heart. It reminded this little control freak that the world DOES spin without me. My kids got fed, educated, and loved well when I stepped out and someone else stepped in. I survived just fine without the “perfect” sundress I forgot to pack and actually learned to surrender when the packing went astray. Mexico reminded me to let go of all the details in life that I allow to excessively weigh me down. Mexico helped me reunite with the sister I love dearly, the brother-in-law who makes me laugh more than anyone I know, and the husband who loves me in ways I don’t understand. And Mexico reminded me there is a Giver who loves to lavish me with grace and beauty, if I will slow down long enough to open my eyes. The Giver gave me the best gift of all: Rescue.

At one point over the weekend, I turned to Dan and said, “I love that you surprised me and all, but I miss the planning part of taking vacations. It would have been nice in November and December [two VERY hard months for me personally] to know I had this trip coming. On the hard days, I would have consoled myself by saying, ‘Rescue is coming’ because I would have known this trip was on the way.” Dan replied, “But that’s the thing: you just have to trust that Rescue is always coming. Even when we don’t know it, we have to trust that God has surprises in store and Rescue is on the way. Just because you don’t know exactly what it is doesn’t make the Rescue any less real.”

To hear those words come out of my husband’s heart? God, you are too good to me. You are so so so good!