Drip by Drip

Things are not good right now. Life isn’t horrible by any stretch, but it is difficult and wearing on me. I feel like I have no room to complain because I know so many others who are facing tremendous pain and struggles: a 6-month-old going through cancer treatments. Job loss. Abuse. Adultery. Life-changing diagnoses. Lyme disease. Back surgery. Divorce. Infertility. Death.

My burdens pale in comparison to those struggles. Honestly, I feel like I should shut my mouth, lower my head and keep plugging away at life. Except I’ve already been doing that and I don’t feel any better. In all honesty, “plugging away” makes my heart feel more alone. Darker and smaller than normal. Maybe airing it out will help. Here goes.

2013 was a darn sucky year. Yes, I’ve had worse. 1996 and the four following years are benchmarks of misery for me. In most people’s lives there are years that suck because of a single major crisis, but this year wasn’t like that. 2013 bled me dry, drip by drip. Crap just kept happening, and a lot of it wasn’t made public because I didn’t want to look like a whiner or like I was ungrateful for the good things that did occur. But when I think back over the last year, the overarching theme can be summed up in one word: isolation.

I haven’t written a lot of deep posts on my blog this past year. Writing is soothing therapy for me, but I haven’t felt the freedom to be honest with my struggles because of privacy issues with the people involved in these struggles, plus not knowing who exactly is reading this blog. Just when I think I’m pretty much the only person who knows it exists, someone will mention it and then I’ll remember I can’t give full disclosure here. But here are the main highlights low points:

Jackson’s diagnosis. Dietary changes. Intense changes at my job. A family member’s abusive relationship. “Breaking up” with a close friend. Starting to lose my eyesight. Medication changes. Increased hours at work. Pre-cancer procedure. A family member’s lupus diagnosis. Tax surprises. An emotionally painful mistake.

I’ll summarize it: I’ve been wrestling a lot with God. Not with the concept of Him (my faith in His existence has never wavered), but with His direction for my life. I’ve asked “why” a lot, although lately I’ve stopped asking “why” and just took whatever new crap has been thrown at me… like it’s a punishment I somehow deserve. He could be ripping open the glossy veneer to show me the rot in my subflooring. Or maybe He’s been trying to buff out the selfishness in my heart. I’ve been wondering if this year was a lesson in humility. My pride is an idol that blocks the door to His workshop in my heart, so maybe He allowed some of this pain to happen as a way to unblock the door.

• Maybe Jackson’s diagnosis was meant to remove the pride I take when my kids are well-behaved and under control. (Yeah, like THAT happens often!)
• Maybe the dietary changes were meant to show me the ways food is an idol in my life.
• Maybe the job changes stripped away comfort in order to show me God is the only safety net I need.
• Maybe the abusive relationship was a way for God to tie my heart closer to my loved ones.
• Maybe the break up with my friend was God’s way of showing me that earthly friendship shouldn’t take the place of His friendship. What if he wanted me isolated so I would depend more on Him?
• Maybe losing my eyesight was a gift and got me off medication that was doing long-term damage to my body.
• Maybe the painful mistake I blindly made was the reminder I needed to stop putting my trust in the wrong places, and a reminder that I really don’t have it all figured out and I’m not in control.
• And maybe all the other crap was just an extra bonus Satan threw in to keep me down and turned away from my Refuge.

Heck, I don’t know! I keep hoping God will make sense of things soon but I know that even if my “soon” isn’t the same as His, every single struggle from this past year will eventually be used for His glory. I have to believe this pain isn’t for nothing and that it will be used in some way, some day. I see glimmers of that truth every now and then, like the woman at church I’ve been walking with as she took her son for testing and got a diagnosis that breaks her heart the same way Jackson’s continues to break mine.

Please, dear God, make this ache go away. And if you can’t make it go away, sit in the muck with me and help me endure. Please bring respite soon!

Where there is loneliness, help me feel Your presence.

In the places in my life where I feel like a victim, please empower me to take action. I want to respond to the ways You initiate movement in my life.

When I feel under attack, please go to battle for me.

When I can’t even find the words to ask for Your rescue, hear my groans and turn them into prayers.

Please, God, give me hope! I am desperate to know if I’m where You want me to be at this stage in my life. Do You want me to stay put for just a little longer, or is it time to move forward in some way? Speak boldly and plainly so I can differentiate Your guidance from my desires and fears. Give me vision to see Your ways, and trust to follow You.

I’m afraid to even ask this, but is it too much to request You do something big in my life? (And by big, I don’t mean more painful. Please not that!) Open my eyes to see You, God.

Help me be a leader for You, knowing You are my ultimate boss and my righteousness. I want to be courageous enough to stand alone even when no one else supports me. Help me speak truth when it’s necessary, but shut me up the rest of the time.

Help me obey Your will, even (especially!) when it seems contrary to what I want. Please show me the way out!

Thank You for hearing my prayers and for not thinking I’m a whiny baby. And when I am whiny, thank you for rocking me like the baby I am. Amen.

Gluten-, Corn- and Dairy-Free Eating

Lately, I’ve had friends and family ask me all kinds of questions about the dietary parameters my family is eating within these days. I’m pretty sure the further I get into this (and the more the general public starts becoming aware of their nutritional deficits), the  more I will get these types of questions. To make it easier, I’m writing this post as a general starting point.

Background: my family started the gluten-free (GF) journey on October 29, 2012. That’s the day Jackson had allergy testing that showed a wheat (gluten) sensitivity. (Click HERE to read more about that.) Three months later, at the end of January 2013, he was diagnosed with ADHD. At the beginning of March 2013, our family went to a seminar about treating ADHD naturally and without medication. The doctor discussed how our diet affects our body, especially diseases like ADHD and – aha! – lupus. And since I have two autoimmune diseases (lupus and Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis), I decided to make an appointment with this doctor to see if he could help me too. Dan and I agreed I would be more likely to stick with the doctor’s orders than Jackson would be, and I’d also be better at noticing slight changes. If the doctor helped me, then we could implement these changes in our entire family.

I saw Dr. Jason, who is an Applied Kinesiologist Chiropractor. We had a long discussion about my health and lifestyle, and he did some muscle testing to show me what gluten does to my body. Since Jackson was already GF at this point, I realized it wouldn’t be very difficult for me to eat GF as well. And an added benefit was that Jackson wouldn’t feel singled out in our family. The very next day (I had a party to attend that night, y’all! I needed to have one last hurrah!), I went GF.

That first week of GF was incredibly hard. I had intense cravings and SO BADLY wanted a biscuit. Oh, please? Just one! When I saw Dr. Jason a week later, we discussed how to curb those cravings by keeping my sugar from spiking, and eating meals with protein and a healthy fat. The second week was much better. The third week, he asked me to go corn- and dairy-free (CF and DF). I told him I would try one, but not BOTH – and he would have to pick which one. He replied that he wouldn’t pick because they were both so hard on my system, and told me to select which one I wanted to start with. I left his office and decided to give up both. I did some research and watched a “How It’s Made” documentary on corn, and a few other documentaries. You’d think with all that knowledge, it would have been simple to give up these foods. Uh, no! Definitely not, because my body easily overrides my brain when it comes to food.

But it got easier the longer I stuck with it. I’ve found options, and been incredibly blessed with some friends who have invested time and love into me and my family. These friends have walked me through grocery stores, bought food for me, delivered “safe” treats to my house, sent me recipes, and bought me books to educate and encourage me. Do you have any idea how loved I feel when a friend (who eats “regular” food, by the way) goes out of her way to offer me options that will accommodate my restrictions? It’s a lavish kind of love, because it’s undeserved and unnecessary, which makes it that much sweeter.

Katie and Dan weren’t on board with the family’s dietary changes. I didn’t force Katie for a while, because I wanted to give her as much normalcy as I could for as long as possible. We had summer camps to go to and trips to take and, frankly, I wasn’t up for dealing with the resistance I knew she’d give me. I didn’t have enough energy stored up for that battle! Near the end of the summer, I broke the news to her: when school starts on August 8th, you’re going GF. She was mad and sulked. But when I talked about how it might get her off daily “medicine” (Miralax to help with impacted bowels), she was a little more receptive. It’s been almost three weeks now, and she doesn’t scowl at me nearly as much as she used to. There’s still some pouting when she is confronted with an “unsafe” food (like treats at church or at a neighbor’s), but I expect that so I’m not really bothered by it. Dan, on the other hand, hasn’t quite made the switch. I respect that, and I’m not forcing him to eat what the rest of the family eats. He is an adult and can feed himself whatever he wants for breakfast and lunch, although we all eat the same thing for dinner.

The hardest part about making a radical dietary change is the first few weeks. The first questions are “What CAN’T I eat?” and then “What CAN I eat?” Here’s how I looked at it.

1. What CAN’T I eat: I used a list our allergist provided of gluten ingredients. Food labels don’t always obviously state GLUTEN or WHEAT. There are countless names for gluten. (Did you know these can all be gluten? Caramel color, modified food starch, spelt, vegetable gum…) I saved this list in my phone, and referred to it each time I ate something with a label or went grocery shopping. When I went CF and DF, I did the same thing.
2. What CAN I eat: Once I eliminated the foods with allergens, I started working within the parameters of what was left. Smart allergy-veteran friends suggested starting with foods my family already liked and making modifications to fit the new parameters. I have to admit our menu prior to allergy testing was pretty limited to begin with (chicken nuggets WAY too often!), but at least it was a starting point.

I think our first gluten-free meals were things like tacos, spaghetti, frozen chicken nuggets (yes, we found a brand that works), and breakfast-for-dinner. We’ve branched out a little since then, and modified things a little more to suit the corn/dairy elimination as well.

Here’s what a typical day looks like for us.

• Breakfast: The kids have always loved cereal, so that’s a staple for them. Chex makes a line of GF cereals: Chocolate Chex, Apple Cinnamon, Vanilla, Cinnamon, Honey Nut, and plain Chex. Fruity Pebbles, Kix, and GF Rice Krispies have also been in the rotation. The kids eat their cereal with regular milk, and I use coconut milk on my cereal (vanilla flavored coconut milk is da bomb!). If it isn’t cereal, the other option is GF toasted bread (The kids like Udi’s brand best, but it has corn in it and I can’t eat it. I found a local bakery that has an option for me, though.) with Nutella (if it’s a weekend day – I had to start limiting the treats I originally allowed to make up for all their dietary restrictions) or Skippy Natural peanut butter. Jackson’s new favorite breakfast is peanut butter toast topped with sliced bananas and blueberries. In addition to the grain (i.e. cereal/toast) option, the kids also have scrambled eggs for breakfast. Katie makes these in our microwave. I like to sprinkle shredded goat cheese in mine too. Some mornings, I make smoothies for me and Jackson. (Katie refuses to drink them after I ruined her on them a few years ago by trying to hide too much flax in one.) The smoothies have random things in them: fruit, kale, coconut milk, protein powder, etc.
• Kids’ Lunch: The school year has brought a blessed routine back into our lives. On Sundays, the kids help pack ten lunches for the week. We use those cool Ziploc divided containers and usually pack fruit, cheese, crackers, deli meat (Hormel Natural), almonds, and carrots. Sometimes we throw in a GF bar, or change the “entrée” from deli meat to a sandwich. This week, Katie made peanut butter and honey sandwiches for some of their lunches. (The blog 100 Days of Real Food also has some great ideas.)
• My Lunch: I am less picky than the kids and I usually have access to a microwave, so my lunches might be leftovers from dinner the night before or my favorite standby: GF crackers (Van’s are my favorite) and tuna salad made with Veganaise and Puckered Pickle’s dill relish (it’s too hard to find sweet relish that isn’t made with high fructose corn syrup). I often have other sides like fruit, almonds, or salad.
• Dinner: I have found 5-7 meals that satisfy everyone, so we rotate through them. Once in a while we throw in something new and then might add it into rotation. For example, last week I made White Chicken Chili (from the book Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist, which is a REALLY fantastic book, by the way) and the kids actually ate it. It didn’t hurt that I bribed them with an Enjoy Life! mini chocolate chip for every bite they took, but it was a step in the right direction. Hopefully I won’t need bribery next time! Our meals have been: BLTs, tacos, penne pasta, pizza, hamburgers, steak fajitas, nachos, bacon & eggs, white chicken chili, pork chops, and fried chicken. Like I wrote earlier, start with what you already like and find substitutions to fit your restrictions. For example, hamburgers are easy. The kids eat theirs on Udi’s GF buns, and I eat mine without a bun (and with ketchup that is made with sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup). Nachos means our ground beef is seasoned with a homemade Mexican spice mix (the Old El Paso packets we used to use aren’t an option anymore), and the kids eat regular shredded cheese and toppings on regular tortilla chips. My tortilla chips are Beanitos with ground beef and sprinkled with toppings like shredded goat cheese, tomatoes, baby spinach leaves, and avocado. Pizza night for us means the kids eat Udi’s pizza crusts (which have corn, so mine is a GF crust by Rustic Crust), topped with regular pizza sauce and shredded cheese (goat for me) and maybe some browned ground beef I saved from our prior taco night before it was seasoned. Fried chicken is – hands down – my family’s favorite meal. That requires a whole separate post, which I will try to work on soon. So… see what I mean? Start with what you already like, then adapt!
• Treats: My favorite two treats are way more simple than they ever were before. They are So Delicious coconut milk ice cream and Chocolove’s dark chocolate bar with almonds and sea salt. The kids have lots more options for treats available to them: there are gluten free chocolate cream sandwich cookies (Oreo substitutes), candy bars that are gluten free (Hershey’s, Reeses Cups, etc.), and certain ice creams too.
• Indulgences: I’m not sure what else to call it, and “indulgences” sounds best. This is the less-than-regular category of things like alcohol. I’ll be honest with you: GF beer isn’t quite the same as regular, wheaty, scrumptious beer (can you tell I miss it?). But there are alternatives, if you are open to them. Omission is my current favorite beer, and Red Bridge isn’t too bad either. There are also lots of GF options in ciders, wine, and liquors. I’m not sure about grain alcohol because, you know, there’s grain in it, but I have read some articles saying distilled alcohol is safe. Hmmm… Like any other food, do your research to make sure the ingredients are okay for you. I’ve found that alcohols don’t often have ingredients listed on them, so you’ll need to do online research and not rely on the label.

Of course, now that you see the examples I listed above, you’ll note we aren’t completely “clean” eaters. We still eat processed foods and aren’t organic. There is much room for improvement, but I’m not willing to go any further right now. I am at a manageable level of better eating, and I’m happy with where our family is at the moment. I have friends who are MUCH more committed to clean eating (one example: my childhood friend Landria writes the Stir It Up! blog), but I’m just not there.

Another question that arises from that food list above: Where do we buy groceries? The good news is special dietary limits like ours are becoming more mainstream. There are options like Whole Foods (which some of  my friends lovingly call “Whole Paychecks” because it is so expensive), and Trader Joe’s has a good selection too. We’ve found GF waffle mix at Costco (also my favorite place for coconut oil – which could be another post as well!). Our local grocery stores have lots of options too – the best is Dierbergs, but Schnucks is getting the hang of it, and even our Walmart has a decent selection. It really is possible to shop in a “regular” store and find some options, as long as you slash your expectations and know foods like Little Debbie snack cakes are NOT on the list anymore. Change your mindset and take that off the table – literally and figuratively – right from the start. It will make things much more manageable if you lower your expectations.

After the WHAT do I eat questions, the next question people usually ask me is: how do you feel? Has this new diet made a difference? The answer I give is yes, but the answer comes with some caveats. Let’s go through those first, then I’ll end with the benefits.

DOWNSIDE

• Cost: Our grocery bill has increased. Cheap food is usually not very good for you, so it is expensive to eat better. There is no getting around it. Do you wonder why high fructose corn syrup is an ingredient in so many foods? Because it is cheaper than real sugar. Cheap is what drives the food industry (of course), and the public demands greater taste for less money.
• Less convenience: There is no more fast food for our family, except for Chick-fil-A (thank you, God!). Their grilled chicken is GF, so that’s an option for us. But there really isn’t anything fast or convenient about eating better, unless you are…
• …Planning ahead: We can’t simply leave the house and expect to find something allergen-free wherever we go. We plan ahead, even more than we did before. Being a mom of little ones means I do that naturally (that’s what the diaper bag was for, right?), but now it’s imperative. At breakfast, I already know what we’re having for dinner. At school, I also know when another kid in the class is going to bring in a birthday treat. I’ve prepared by sending in an alternative PLUS having an emergency stash in the classroom if the birthday celebration was a surprise for the teacher.
• Packing: There is a lot more food portability going on these days. Whether it’s stashed snacks in the trunk of the car (crackers, and applesauce) or lunches for work or school, the planning ahead [see above] means our lunch boxes aren’t just for decoration anymore.
• Dining out: When we DO eat out as a family, there are limited choices where we can go. If it’s just me and Dan, that isn’t so hard because I’m okay with a plain grilled chicken breast or a salad. The kids aren’t, so we have to work around what they will eat. And I’ve been known to carry in a packed meal for the kids to eat [see “Packing” above], or to stop and buy a few items to go along with whatever they might be able to eat at the restaurant. When we explain to the waiters why we brought food with us, they have been okay with it.
• Social burden: I know our friends love us and wouldn’t hold our food issues against us, but it does get frustrating because when we eat out with friends – or are invited to their houses – we can’t simply eat like everyone else. We have to bring food with us [see “Packing”] or find a restaurant where everyone can find an option they like. It isn’t much different than working around food preferences on a regular basis (like one couple might not like Chinese and the other doesn’t like Mexican, so you go for Italian), but it seems more burdensome when it involves a food allergy. Sometimes it seems a food preference is more acceptable than an allergy, which is frustrating because – trust me! – I’d much rather be eating a juicy plate of chicken wings with buttery hot sauce and celery dipped in blue cheese. But that just ain’t gonna happen anymore. We try to be flexible or pack as best as we can.

BENEFITS

• Food controls me less: I have always loved food, which I have always known about myself. But when I started on this journey, I realized that food was controlling me. I was planning meals based on the joy I would get from them, which is different than the “Planning Ahead” sort of planning I mentioned in the bulleted list above. In the midst of all these changes, I realized food had a big hold over me. It had become an idol, and a source of misplaced pleasure. Now, don’t get me wrong: I think about food probably just as much – if not more – than I did prior to the dietary changes. But I’m no longer thinking about food solely for pleasure. Now I’m thinking about food and planning ahead so I don’t get caught without sustenance. Food has become that: sustenance that can be joyful, not merely a direct line to joy. I’ve learned that every meal doesn’t have to be an amusement park of frivolity. Some meals are simply nutrition and food, and that’s okay!
• Regularity: Yes, I know sometimes I can be a little too honest. I won’t go into detail here, but suffice it to say things are more regular – and less forced – than they were before.
• Cycles: My gynecologist tells me I am – gasp! – premenopausal, so I’m all over the place anyway. Again, I won’t go into detail, but I will say there has been a little more regularity in this area. Not a ton, but a little.
• Senses: My senses have changed, especially my sense of smell and taste. Scents don’t need to be quite so overpowering for me to notice and smell them, and my tastes have changed and become less dull.
• Weight loss: This is the most visually obvious benefit, and the one that gets people started asking me about the changes I’ve made. So far, I’ve lost about 20 pounds and I haven’t counted a single calorie or fat gram. I eat until I’m full, which is a technique I never understood when I was filling up on gluten, corn and dairy. Fullness comes quicker when food has less fillers. Doesn’t make sense, does it? But it does, at least for  me.
• Less victimized, more control: I have more confidence now because I am the one choosing my foods and not being a victim to what I previously perceived as no choice. Now I know that I am not forced to put something in my mouth, and I won’t die from starvation if I choose not to eat something that isn’t a great option for me. I can pass on a piece of “normal” birthday cake because I know the taste isn’t worth all the work I’ve put into cleaning out my system.
• Skin: My middle-age acne has cleared up tremendously.
• Heartburn: And so has my heartburn!
• Less medication: I was taking eight pills a day for my thyroid, heartburn, acne, lupus, and Raynaud’s Syndrome. I’m down to only two now, and I’m hoping to get off one of them when I see my rheumatologist and tell her the nifedipine just doesn’t help me with my Raynaud’s. And less medication also means less money spent on drugs. Even though I mentioned a higher grocery bill in the “Downside” list above, less medication cost helps with some of that cost.
• Conscious and aware: My kids and I are more conscious of the foods we eat. They read labels now, which I think is good. It’s not in an obsessive way, but in a food-conscious way. They are aware of the food that goes into their bodies, and are equipped to make better choices.

Whew! That’s a lot to process, and I think maybe I’m forgetting something in those lists. But at least it’s a start to the food discussion. I encourage you – no, implore you! – to do your own research on this. There are countless blogs and websites available to help navigate the food elimination world. And I feel like I have to put a disclaimer here: the “results aren’t typical” sort of thing to remind you we are each unique machines with bodies designed by a magnificent Creator. Yours works a little different than mine (aren’t you lucky?!) and your results won’t necessarily be the same as mine. But you won’t know if you don’t try it, and I hope this information gives you a little encouragement on the journey. If you’re brand new at it or an old pro, there’s one last piece of advice I have: remember it will get easier. You are much more resilient than you realize. Amen!

February 2013 Review

February was the month of snow for us this season. Nothing beats the beauty of snow falling in the night while you watch from your window as the streetlights reflect off the snow.

Fun times for the kids in the snow.

Jackson has beautiful eyelashes. (I promise I didn’t put a flake on his lashes for this photo. It was just there!)

Ants finally arrived for the ant farm Jackson got for Christmas. I have been fascinated watching them work and dig tunnels. I’m amazed at God’s creation every single day.

I also captured lots of God’s creation from my living room window. This was the homemade card I made for Dan’s Valentine this year. I included a line from the song “All I Ask of You” that was sung at our wedding.

My friends asked me to do a photo shoot for their sweet boy, Levi. He  makes me melt!

And I can’t pick just one photo, so here’s another favorite.

One Sunday as I was leaving work, I stopped to talk to my boss for a moment. Jackson went over to a white board and starting writing math problems AND working them out on his own. I was so proud of his new abilities!

And my prodigy of a daughter has gotten SO good at playing the recorder that she has turned it into a nose flute of sorts. I’ll repeat my above sentiments: I was so proud of her abilities! (Tee hee. She makes me laugh.)

One of my goals for this year is to read more books. Because of Jackson’s diagnosis, February was spent reading non-fiction – including this book that was an eye-opener for me.

Speaking of reading, Jackson is becoming more and more proficient in his ability to read. I am amazed at how he picks up on words, and how I can literally see his brain processing as he sounds out new words.

More snow came, and the kids missed two days of school in a row. It was the week of President’s Day, so there were only 2 days of school that week. Cabin fever led us to a fun project: turning the hall closet into a permanent fort. We call it the Kindness Closet because I told the kids they need to be kind to each other inside it. We hung Christmas lights inside so they can read with the door closed. I confess I’ve done a bit of reading in there myself.

One evening, Dan got an impulse to dig out his box of Boy Scout memorabilia and show it to the kids. The three of them took immense joy in going through all the tools, patches, badges, and awards Dan earned. Jackson was most excited to find a whistle in the box. I gave him permission to blow it ONE TIME.

And another day of snow means another chance to get some snowflake photos. I could do this for hours at a time, if it weren’t so darn cold! You can see the reflection of my camera in this photo, which is straight out of the camera with no edits. I kind of like it this way.

We have a weekly tradition of going out to dinner with friends after church on Saturday nights, and Jackson is especially thrilled when our 16-year-old friend brings her boyfriend. Jackson adores this guy. Can you tell? We all kind of adore him, but I refuse to say it out loud in front of the poor kid, because he’s already been adored-upon by his girlfriend’s mother. I’m trying not to add extra sugar to the syrup.

Lastly, February was the start of a class at church that turned my memories upside down. This class is called Storyline, and it gave me perspective on my life and how God has orchestrated so many details to work for His purpose. I was undone and felt such deep love from my Father. Most of my homework sessions were spent with this binder, lots of notebook paper for writing notes, and a box of tissues. I did a lot of writing throughout class, and I’m hoping to share some here at another time. I am eternally grateful to the leaders of my church for writing this class curriculum so I could hear God speaking to me through it.

A Page from My Journal

I wrote this on my plane ride home from North Carolina, trying to process a few days’ worth of a wide range of emotions. Forgive some of the terse grammar (Yes, I realize I’m missing a few pronouns), but this is how I worked out my emotions in my journal. This is how I felt that day, and still do to some extent. Every day is better, but also presents its own new challenges. That’s what life is all about, right? Each day is an adventure! Some more so than others, thankfully.

Jackson diagnosed with ADHD plus depression and anxiety. On my birthday! I expected the ADHD, but not the anxiety and depression. It makes me sad to think he is carrying so much at age five. Too soon. Too early. Too much. That night, I got my birthday gift from Dan: tickets to see my sister in North Carolina. Oh joy! And such sadness, all in the same day. I went to bed overwhelmed with conflicting emotions. The next morning, got kids on school bus and sat in my kitchen and wrote this prayer:

I don’t want anyone to say “It’s gonna be okay” and “It’s not that bad” or “It could be worse.” I want them to say, “It sucks. I’m sorry.” And to sit with me in it for just a little bit, and then we’ll brush ourselves off and continue to live in the Not Yet.

Drove to work. Sat at my desk and finally took my first moments to read Jackson’s evaluation from the counselor. Started crying at my desk. My kind coworkers asked if I was okay, and I said no, but I wasn’t ready to talk yet. Finally, they were all in the office for a weekly meeting and I hijacked the meeting to tell eight of them the news. I said I know in the grand scheme of life, it isn’t a big deal (and may even be a blessing). Yes, I know it could be worse. And then I started crying because it’s my baby this is happening to. They held their tongues. They held my hand. They held my shoulders, and they let me cry. And when I could breathe again, two people in the room said they have had the exact same diagnoses. And I felt my burden shared – not lifted and not easier – but colored with more hope than worry. These eight people drew in close, laid their hands on me, and prayed out loud for me, my son, my husband and daughter, our doctors, our faith, our future, and the regrets we don’t even have yet but we know are unavoidable. They prayed for guidance and that God would help them help me. Oh, Jesus – I felt such love!

Each proceeding minute that day was incrementally filled with a little more hope and a little more joy. I shared my story two more times with two more coworkers before leaving work, and got more encouragement.

I have a church and a job that encourages me. I have one of my best friends whose career is helping kids like my son, and who has been beside me each step of this so far – sending me recommendations for doctors, diets, and research. I have a sister who is a teacher (and my parental surrogate) and knows how to advocate for my son and teaches me how to do so. I have a husband who cries with me and carries the burdens along with me, and knows me better than I know myself. I have a daughter who is amazingly kind and generous and a defender of her little brother. And him? He’s a joy, and a challenge at the same time. He has changed my life and will continue to do so.

I don’t know in what ways our lives will change in the coming year, and I’m sure it will be full of highs and lows, adjustments and lessons. I’ll be bombarded with well-meaning advice, and overwhelmed by the sheer volume of all the information I’ll be learning. But today, I have hope: we have a diagnosis. I am thankful for that, because it means we have resources and options.

January 2013 Review

January started with a big surprise party for my neighbor. Since I don’t know a lot of her friends and family, I became an observer and photographer of the party. It made me so happy to sit back and watch her enjoy the people who came to surprise her and shower her with love. This photo captured the moment she realized her son had flown in town from North Carolina to surprise her. As she was going in for a hug, her eye caught the presence of her daughter, who had flown in from Florida. Such exuberant joy! (And this photo is just another reason why I love photography!)

Dan’s cousin, Craig, got married in mid-January in Belize. Before the big beach wedding, the couple had a pre-wedding reception. It was in a beautiful and funky art gallery I have never even heard of. (But wish I had! It’s called the Randall Gallery.) There was great food and lots of dancing, including Gangnam Style. Sheesh!

This winter’s weather has been all over the place: really cold and really warm. On one of those warm days, Jackson and I went to the zoo for the first time since the new sea lion exhibit was built. It was a nice, unplanned Mommy-Son day. Katie and Dan were serving on our church Outreach team that day and had their own Daddy-Daughter day.

Another big deal for January: Jackson’s reading skills have dramatically improved. This was the first (long) book he’s ever read completely on his own. I don’t have a photo of it, only a video. Womp, womp.

One Saturday morning, I was at the kitchen table eating breakfast and saw a hawk land on our tree house. He sat on the rail for almost an hour, devouring a bird he caught. I took photos of him the entire time. Gross, yes… but amazing too. (Can’t you just hear The Lion King song playing? “In the circle of life…”)

My birthday comes at the end of January. On the Sunday closest to my birthday, my boss had all of our ministry volunteers celebrate by bringing me sweet cards and showering me with hugs. There was a homemade cake and silly princess tiaras for us to wear. But the most memorable part of the day for me was when the power went out between our 9am and 11am services. We ended up canceling the 11am worship service, which was a bummer. But on the bright side? I got a half day off work. Here’s a (bad iPhone) photo of people waiting in the lobby with the power out.

I’ve been learning and reading a lot about sensory defensiveness and ADHD lately (because of Jackson’s diagnosis), and came across an inexpensive running trampoline. I decided to buy it and give the kids a spot to work out energy inside the house. They love bouncing on it. On a side note, we also started the kids in gymnastics because our karate dojo closed. Katie has been in gymnastics since first grade but we took a break for fall of last year, and she picked it back up very quickly. Jackson is loving his new gymnastics class, and it gives him so much happiness to know he has his own class to go to and his own buddies in class.

Remember that crazy weather I talked about? January 29th was so warm that four kids at our bus stop wore shorts/capris to school. (Two pair of shorts/capris are blocked in this photo.)

And then? January ended with my birthday. I’ll have to write an entire separate post for that, because it was epically fantastic. Stay tuned!